Nice way to start the day

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Nice way to start the day
17
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:58am

This morning when I checked my email, I had one from J.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:14am

Shy,

We must be on some cosmic course charted in parallel. I have been in contact with the B*st*rd - the one who broke my heart. But the nature of our emails has been different. More friendly chatting about politics (something we both shared a strong interest in). It's still weird. We went from not talking for 2 years to 3-4 emails per day and now he has midterms (went back to grad school) and the emails have stopped again.

It is perfectly natural for you to respond the way that you did. I would want to cry too. Personally, I think that he is a self-centerd you-know-what to even send you that email. What was the point? It is completely uncalled for. Especially to go so far as to mention waking up the woman in his life. Blech. It's just gross.

Chin up, dear. The man that I would pick for you would have better sense than to even consider sending an email of that type to a woman he had once dated. He would recognize the impropriety of it and shudder at the thought of it.

Jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:25am

I don't necessarily agree with everyone else that not replying is the best course of action. And I know what you mean about seeing the good in him - but you have to know that anyone who cares about you even a little is going to come to your defense.

I contacted my ex a couple of months ago when I found out that he was leaving the state - he never checks his email (it was like that when we dated years ago, too), so it took him a month to get back to me. I was not sure why I emailed him when I did it. But it turned out to be a great thing because I have enough distance now that my interaction with him has a completely different tone. Jokes that I would have found funny before just seem stupid and inappropriate now. For the first time since he walked into my life 6 years ago, I have actually been put off by him.

See, when I had no contact with him, he was sort of an enigma. He had bee frozen in time and the image that I had of him could not change, even though I have changed and grown. It allowed him a power over me that he had not earned and did not deserve. I finally feel like the spell is broken.

But it took me a long time to get to the place where I had gotten enough distance to be able to see him clearly. Only you know if you are ready for that or not. If you are - then maybe telling him that what he did was inconsiderate might be OK. You have to let yourself be angry at him, Shy. Even if he is a great guy (and I don't doubt that - my ex is fundamentally a really great guy too, just not for me), what he did was at the very least inconsiderate and at the very worst downright cold. If you pointed that fact out to him, you would be allowing yourself to see and acknowledge his imperfection and you would be doing him a favor by helping him to grow.

Or maybe you aren't ready for this or it's not a way of handling it that would work for you. I just thought that I would put a different way of looking at it out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:00am

"I can't help but see the good in people instead of assuming they have the worst in mind."

That is definitely something we differ on... I'm not proud of it - I WANT to see the good but most times I can't! :(

Maybe I can learn from you! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:04am

wow Jules that was some interesting thoughts that I can TOTALLY relate to a situation in my own life!

They are kind of frozen in that perfect state in our minds and were we communicating with them (in a setting with boundaries) we'd maybe see they aren't so wonderful TODAY! We'd be seeing things differently and maybe more clearly!

Anyway... I'm glad you wrote that and I agree Shy - you SHOULD own your feelings with him. Otherwise, you can't blame anyone but yourself for letting him hurt you! Stand up for yourself!

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 1:41pm

Ugh!!!

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:41pm

I understand what you're saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:09am

Unfortunately, there is one man that I date who might actually be Satan's spawn. But the rest are really pretty good guys and a lot of the things that went wrong are a result of emotional stupidity.

If you are not in a place to communicate with him, then by all means ignore it. But there may be a time when you have more distance (hell, it took me 3 years from the breakup and 2 years of no contact) where you feel the need to touch base with him because you are seeking some closure. Trust your instincts.

I am sorry that he has intruded into your thoughts again. I find that anger helps me with that, thus the nasty nickname for my ex (which was given to him by my cousin, not me, but it felt good anyway). Sometimes, when I am at the gym and feeling lazy, I think of him pursuing me and haul ass on the elliptical machine. Little does he know that he is helping me to be my slimmest and attract more men. Hehehe

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