No +1 on wedding invite

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
No +1 on wedding invite
21
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 12:07am

Am I the only one that thinks it is completely tacky to not give a single person the option of bringing a guest to a wedding?

It seems like all the weddings I've been invited to lately have all been just inviting me. I understand weddings are expensive and couples are trying to keep the costs down, but really....don't you want your guests to have a good time? I can see if it is a wedding of a family member or close friend that it might be acceptable because you would know other people there, but the last few weddings I have went to, I have had to go alone and I have known only a couple other people (or no one) there. Then you either get seated at the singles table (and you are the weird late 20yr old with a bunch of teenager/college kids) or with a bunch of couples...kill me...don't know what is worse. 

My married friends all tell me that they don't see what the big deal is....but then they wouldn't be caught dead going to a party/wedding/social gathering without their husbands. They wouldn't even dream of eating in a restaurant alone. People also say that I'm being "over sensitive" about it-- but honestly, I think people who think it is okay have never actually been to a wedding (or any event) alone.....with no friends/family/date/etc to socialize with. Yes....I know...I could go and make new friends or look at it as an opportunity to find "the one", but really the thought of it makes me want to hit the bar.

I know it is all about the bride and groom on this day and not all about me, but my goal of my reception would be for my guests to have a good time at my wedding. Isn't that why people have the food, music, dancing, etc??

Ok...end of rant. Maybe I'm completely off base.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 2:06am

In all honesty, people are often invited to weddings with the expectation that they will give a gift.  If you don't know anyone at the wedding, there is probably the expectation that neither you, nor your date, would give a gift that at least covers your plates.   So then NO, there is no incentive to make YOUR day happy when you are not returning the favor.  Also, the quality of your previous "dates" may have given the happy couples the impression that you might bring someone given to loud, drunken, and aggressive behavior, thereby ruining a day that IS all about them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 9:18am
Wow...that was a cynical reply! I like to think that the people inviting me. To their wedding want me to share their special day. Weddings are expensive, and I think it is more about being able to both have the wedding you want and share it with people you care about. I personally think the best way to plan a wedding is to make the list of the people you want there and scale the plans to fit that....but some couples choose venue, food, dress...and then have to cut back on guests. And rather than. Invite one freind and an unknown to them guest, they invite two freinds. I don'tthink this is necessarily kind to their guests, but I don't think it is personal - there is a level of self centered ness about many weddings that seems to override hospitality and etiquette. The 'its my day' concept takes over. For me, some of the most memorable wedding moments were the unselfish ones...a corsage left for a favorite aunt, the effort to dance with an older colleague and mentor at aspecialtime,a birthday cake,,,,I prefer to go to events by myself rather than bring someone who knows no one but me so I don't have to worry that they are having agood time. But I think it is polite to provide the option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 11:49am

Actually I think you are off base here.  If you look at any etiquette books, it is not proper to invite a person who is married to go to a wedding alone even if you do not know the spouse (maybe a work colleague) but there is nothing improper about not inviting a single person to come alone.  I think that if I was being the host, if I knew that someone was in a relationship I would certainly invite the person's BF or GF but for people who are not dating anyone, I wouldn't want to just invite everyone to scrounge up a "plus one."  First of all, as people have said, weddings are very expensive--if you were paying for it, would you want to pay $50-$100 to have someone you don't know who doesn't care at all about the bride & groom attending?  And how about that person who doesn't know anyone except their date?  Hopefully that person would be a good guest but I think you run the risk of having someone who is just concerned about treating the event just like another party (esp. if there is an open bar).  And this is the thing--a wedding is not just a party.  It is to celebrate the wedding of your friends and relatives.  I know that there are a lot of bridezillas out there today but wanting your guests to have a good time means supplying them with a good meal and hopefully some nice music.  Which actually one doesn't have to do.  My cousin moved from New England to Nebraska and she said out there, it isn't even traditional to have a dinner at a wedding reception, they might just have cake.  And not everyone even has dancing.  One very enjoyable wedding that I went to was for one of my law school classmates right about the time we graduated.  They had no money so they had an informal reception at their house with no dancing.  I am surprised that you are going to weddings where you don't know anyone.  I think if you aren't that close to the bride and feel like you won't have fun, you can decline to go w/o even giving a reason and then send a gift if you want.  But I think it's a very good social skill to learn how to go to things by yourself and learn to make conversation with people  you don't know--sure maybe it won't be the most exciting thing to do.  I'd say as a single person w/o a BF, if I got invited to a wedding now with a +1 on the invitation, I'd still go alone rather than try to find some guy to drag along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 12:15pm
If I was invited to a wedding and my husband was not included I would not go, but I would send a gift. I believe that married couples should be invited together, and probably that should include those who are an established couple. As far as singles are concerned, that's iffy. When I was single I went alone to many weddings. The invitation included a guest, but if I was not dating anyone I didn't just take someone so I wouldn't be alone. Usually, there were other singles invited who were in my group of friends so there were people for me to socialize with. You are usually part of a group of friends or co-workers. It's a tough decision when planning your wedding guest list, but you have to plan around what you can afford, while also taking into consideration the feelings of your guests. I don't think it's considerate to invite a single guest if there will not be anyone else at the wedding they will know. I don't think your gift needs to equal or exceed the cost of your meal. It's not a restaurant. You are invited as a guest of the couple and it's up to them to provide what's within their budget. And you bring a gift that is within your budget. It would be very rude to invite people based on how much you expect them to spend on a gift. When my daughter got married, many family members were not included because she wanted to have her friends around her. The venue they chose did not have room for both. I got a lot of flack from my mother-in-law over this, but I just told her it was my daughter's day and I gave her what she wanted. She was young. She would have received much better gifts from the older family members than from her young friends.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 3:26pm

Music was right when she said a wedding is not just a party.  Nor, these days, is it just a celebration of the couple's love.  It is a way to help the couple get a good start in life.  When you say weddings are expensive, I don't think you actually grasp HOW EXPENSIVE.  In 2012, newlyweds (and their families) spent an average of $28,427 on weddings and related events.  However, as in real estate, it really is all about location, location, location.  Couples in Manhattan dropped the most cash, with an average wedding budget of $76,687. Other pricey wedding destinations included Chicago ($49,810), northern and central New Jersey ($48,496), Santa Barbara and Ventura, Calif. ($42,319) and Boston ($39,239).  I'm sorry, my last name is not Gates.  That amount of money is NOT going to be spent for JUST A PARTY.

One of my dd's got married 8 years ago.  My dd was WELL AWARE that the rather modest budget of approx $20K we spent, was still a strain on our finances, especially because we did not BORROW a dime of it.  We told her we would give her money to put down on a house, or we would pay the same amount toward a wedding.  She chose the wedding, but even then, she was smart enough to say, "Hopefully, we'll still get a decent downpayment with the gifts."  And they did.  But that would NOT have happened if we had indulged a childish demand to simply throw a lavish party for their friends, especially at the cost of excluding family.

My other dd is getting married this fall.  We are now 2 years away from retirement, and cannot afford a gift the size we gave her sister.  But then again, this kid went to a more expensive college than her sister, and was there 5.5 years.    We felt that gave her the same start in life, since she and her SO are in their 30's, have excellent jobs, and already own a home, 2 cars, etc.   They are paying for the event themselves.  I can ABSOLUTLY GUARANTEE that at the prices they will be spending for JUST THE FOOD AND VENUE, they will not be inviting "kids", and the guest list will be inspected closely.

http://www.mortonarb.org/files/Wedding%20Brochure.pdf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 4:01pm

So just to clear up a few things because I feel like I was unfairly judged:

1. The bride is a co-worker. She has invited one other coworker to attend with her husband, but she has to work. So basically, the only other person I would know is the co-worker that isn't going and the bride. 

2. The bride knows I am not the kind of person that would bring a drunk obscene date. I think it is a little unfair to make a judgment about that based on my post. As for the gift-- I plan to give a nice gift even if I do not plan on attending. And really, whoever is inviting people based on how "much" they are going to get from them is the tackiest and most self absorbed human being.

3. I am a grown woman. I navigate through the world and many a social gathering alone just fine. I am perfectly capable of being  friendly and personable. I like to meet people, make small talk, etc. But I think most people would agree that the idea of going to a social event alone does not sound super appealing, especially events where everyone is coupled off. I have done it before. I can do it again. 

So I guess the general opinion is that I am off based. I don't think I am "entitled" to have a +1. I guess I was posting this to rant my frustration to other single people.....since it is a single/dating board. 

I understand weddings are spendy and you don't necessarily want to pay for a complete stranger to come to your wedding but I feel like it is a bit of a double standard-- you can invite someones SO you've never met but people who are unmarried don't get the same privledge. Maybe I am dating someone. Maybe I am not. She really wouldn't know. It's not like I was going to scrounge up a loser date to take. It would just be nice to have the option. And it is something I will remember one day if I do get married.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 6:35pm

You said, "It seems like all the weddings I've been invited to lately have all been just inviting me."  Then you asked for reasons why you are being invited to these multiple weddings, sans guest.  You were given reasons.  The fact that you do not like these reasons, or feel they apply to you, does not make them any less valid, NOR does it make them  "unfairly judge" you.  They are simply reasons, and I'm sure there are many more. 

If it offends you to be invited to weddings, or any other event, alone, then simply do not go.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 11:22pm

 I have been to one wedding. I came alone.  I went to the reception only as travel time did not agree.  But I knew people at the wedding  To me, it is celebrating my friend no more.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 10:32am

Well we definitely will not be spending close to $40,000 if our DD gets married--that's ridiculous.  I think when the time comes I will decide what I can afford to give her and then being divorced, she can ask her dad for money too and then they can decide whether they want to be within that budget or if not, they can spend their own money for something more.  Right now, my DD makes about what I do and she told me her BF makes twice that so when they are doing better than the parents, I think they need to contribute.  Oh and I had my 2nd wedding, which was in 2003, so prices have gone up, but not that much, for less than $5,000 and we had about 70 people.  We basically had the wedding at a private room of a waterfront restaurant (really nice setting) so we were paying the regular price for dinners, which was about $25/person instead of paying for a particular "wedding" package.  We had the whole thing--DJ, wedding cake, photographer, limo.  Another thing was that being my 2nd wedding, I wasn't about to spend $2000 on a wedding gown.  I got what was really a bridesmaids gown for about $200 and had it done in ivory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 10:35am

If this coworker is close enough to you to invite you to her wedding (and only 2 of you from work) I'm surprised that she wouldn't know whether you have a BF or not.  When I got married the 2nd time, I worked in a very small office (still there) so I invited everyone from the office, including the spouses of the married people.  Another coworker got married about a month before I did and he didn't invite anyone from the office--maybe they had too many guests already and as I said, being a small office, it would be hard to invite some people & not others.

I do think sometimes it's hard to go to an event where you really don't know anyone, so in that case, I might not go if I thought I would have a terrible time or maybe only go to the church.

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