No "Game"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
No "Game"
8
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 7:31pm

Hello everyone, I had a question that I hope I can get some answers for from here. Reading thru some of the previous posts, I do notice an underlying theme. A lot of men don't know how to ask women out, and that women do not like a man that can't approach them, indicates a lack of confidence. While this is not news to me, I am hoping to go a little deeper. I'm a 33yr man that has never approached a woman first. And yes it is a confidence thing, but not what you'd think. I just have no idea what I'd say! You know back in high school, that geeky boy that was always friendly to the girls but never had a girlfriend... That was me, and sadly still is. Highly introverted, I am used to watching people. Which has made me very good at reading and empathising with people, but also added an increased sense of self-awareness.. Having seen so many of my female friends approached with the numerous bad pick up lines, and lousy approaches, and seen how they react in the moment and after the unlucky guy is sent packing, I never want to be that guy.So I have often let opportunity pass by because I just have no idea what to say to a woman to get things rolling. I've been lucky to have had women that approached me, at which point I picked it up and kept it going.one of those resulting in a very happy 8yr marriage, but after that passed, i find myself back in that uncomfortable state of being single and having no idea what to do. I don't think I'll get lucky twice, and have an amazing woman just fall in my lap, so I figure I have to get out of my comfort zone, and learn how to pickup women. And before some says it.. I know how to talk to women, most of my closet friends have always been female. But talking to a lady as a good friend, or co-worker, and approaching a lady out of romantic interest seem to be to very different things.

So I guess the point of my post is give guys some slack. Some of us are really great but just have no idea how to approach the beautiful lady that captures our attention.

and my question is what are some good ways you have been approached?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:23pm

I think that there's a difference between approaching a woman in a bar, where you might neet some kind of intersting opening to get started, to approaching someone that you already know and have started to develop a friendship with.  The 2nd one is going to be much easier for you since you are already talking to those women--it's not that hard to go from having a chat to asking "would you want to get together some time for dinner?" I think what women hate is obvious lines that sound phony unless they are done very tongue in cheek.  I think going up to someone & saying hi, how are you is really all you need to start a conversation.

Also in your case on line dating might work because you don't have to worry about the pressure to find something to say immediately--you can think about it.  If you do that, please don't just write "hi" to the woman and then say nothing--women really hate that the guy is not making any effort.  Write a couple of sentences that show you have actually read her profile & aren't sending the same message to 100 women.  Just say something like "Hi, I noticed that we both like..." or pick on something she wrote.  You said that you went to Italy--I have always wanted to go there.  What cities did you visit?  Then you can take it from there.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:15pm
If you want to talk to a woman, hi is a good starter. Then maybe comment on whatever it was that brought you to her. Smile at her. Ask her her name. Ask her if she's having fun. If she doesn't reciprocate and ask you something back, just tell her to have a nice day and walk away. Repeat until something clicks!
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:40pm

Well John it is the name of the game to have skills.  One learns skill by learning salesmanship.  Yes, you will get rejected but be nice and ask!  Asking is half of it all.  In some areas the women will be much more aggressive in other they will wait forever to be asked.  Think of all the qualities you want in a woman and hone your approach to your preferences.  Learn to smile and appear confident.  "Game" is application of skills.  Nothing more!

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 6:54am

I personally hate games and appreciate the direct approach.  Since you are already good at body language I would do like shy said and start with a smile and hi and see what type of response you get.  Women aren't dumb.  If they are available and see an opportunity happening they will check it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:04am

Thanks for all the replies. I guess it is true, you can't win if you don't play... and don't mind the constant game references, i am just a big basketball fan, not a player (even in though my dreams, i have the smoothness of Barney Stinson). Anyway, i intend to try it out this weekend. Got me sometime to myself and planning to go out and get rejected! I don't drink thus not a bar person, but going to find one anyway and just try talking to women. being totally out of my element, i know the first few attempts are going to be lame and the rejections probably swift, but hopefully by the end of the weekend, i'll have at least made a friend. and the big prize is finally getting past the rejection phobia, as well as figuring what comes after " Hi, my name is..." It's a little sad for a grown man to be trying to figure out stuff that most boys had figured out as teenagers but one is never too old to learn. Wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 11:24am

Good luck, but I also have a suggestion.  Bars are difficult places to meet someone, esp. when the music is loud & you can't talk much.  If there is dancing  a lot of girls will be happy if you dance with them, but they might just want a dance partner & not really want to meet someone.  Have you looked into meetup groups in your area?  I think it's a much easier way to get to meet someone w/o the falseness that comes from the bar scene.  I am lucky cause I live in an urban area where there are just tons of meetup groups--they have some for sports, eating out, etc.  I joined this dining out one which was for any age group & not just limited to singles and we always wondered why there weren't more men there--don't men like to eat?  In a group like that, you're in a casual environment & you can get to talk to some people and it's not specifically for dating, so you can make friends too.  then I've heard of some kind of singles groups that do activities, like sports or going places together--if you join a group like that & continue to go to events, then you will start seeing the same people & it will be like a whole new group of friends so you will feel more comfortable.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 11:26am

By the way Master Chief you do not need to drink to go to bars and clubs.  I myself drink tonic water at clubs and bars.  I like being sober.   Ask questions and learn to listen and remember.  A man who actively listens and remembers what was said is attractive.  Learning to dance will pay benefits as a good percentage of men don't dance.  Plus it is fun.  Being a person who has fun is another attractive item.

dragowoman

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:34pm

The last guy I was approached by was at a Latin dance club. He simply walked up and asked if the seat next to me (at the bar) was taken. I had ordered a water and after he sat down he asked what I was drinking. I told him he couldn't handle it because it was too strong. He laughed and said, let's see about that . . . would you let me have a sip? I handed him the glass and of course after he tasted it and realized it was water, I got a nice chuckle out of him.

Conversation just flowed from there and was actually quite effortless. We spoke intermittently throughout the hour or so that we sat at the bar. He did ask me to dance but I couldn't because I had busted up my feet earlier in the day and there was no way I was getting on a dance floor. At one point he ordered a beer and asked if I'd like to have one so I obliged. Not long after that, he asked if he could call me so I gave him my number.

I would just encourage you to be direct. Everyone is different, but that's what I respond to, personally. I don't always take hints.

Don't worry about getting shot down. It happens to us, too. It happens to most everyone. It's going to happen. Try not to take it personally and move on. Eventually, you're going to bump into someone who clicks with you or at least, that is the hope! Good luck!

-- Sorry, just read through the rest of the thread and wanted to add, what do you do when you are interested in something?  You read about it or you may Google it.  Just ask [her] questions about herself.  Most people enjoy talking about themselves.  I would try to make it light hearted things such as what kind of restaurants or foods she enjoys or does she like too cook, maybe even ask about her hobbies/interests.  Treat her as you would a topic (Shoeless Joe Jackson for example)  that you want to explore.