No one to talk to!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
No one to talk to!?!
10
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:00pm

Why is it that even though I have a handful of girlfriends and my boyfriend is my best friend, do I sometimes feel like I have NO ONE to talk to?

It kinda might have to do with the fact that I don't want to put my "junk" off on people - well except for BF, he has to hear it all! :p But what if I want to talk about HIM! ROTFL

I do talk to one of my girlfriends pretty candidly about my relationship, although I still find I censor alot because well... a relationship is suppose to be private to a large degree (atleast that's how *I* feel about it) and she is married so her situation is different and I don't want to offend her. I've never liked when a girl is just spilling her guts about her relationship - good or bad! It's just not me!

Now I do however talk theoretically alot - about relationships, about life and otherwise - and sometimes it's based on what I'm living - but not always!

But... sometimes (like right now) I have some pretty obscure thoughts about my life (kinda random stuff - theories about why I'm here and what I'm doing, etc.) - but something in me won't let myself just flow with a girlfriend and my BF has heard it all - and so I feel all cooped up! I guess it's my own fault, eh?

Anyone else ever feel like you have things you want to talk about but not to any of the main actors in your life? Is that why you post here?

Kristen - with a new username! :p

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:27pm

I know what you mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:39pm
Okay, now I get it...but Kristen, who were you before?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:54pm

Yes, and I'm going to give an example...

My best girlfriend and I were out to dinner recently (she is 26 married for 7 yrs with 3 small boys) - we got on the subject of children and how I'm not sure I care to ever have any. I expressed how I'd love to get pregnant, be pregnant, experience labor (yes, I'm weird) and then maybe have a baby for a month or so... after that... I'm not too crazy about. Obviously, you can imagine how hard a conversation like this is with my friend who has 3 children - but it is my life and if we can't talk about it... we shouldn't be best friends, eh?

So... we were discussing WHY I don't want kids - as far as my issues with the world and how I don't want to mess my kids up like I feel my parents messed me up (and they weren't even that drastic in their dysfunction) and then I was expressing to her how it's occurred to me that to raise a child I would want to instill so many things in them... things I question if I even possess - like non judgmental, self confidence, independence and yet being able to risk and connect with others... etc. etc.

And you know what she said to me? "You can't think about that kind of stuff... you just have to do the best you can and those things will pan out" and she gave me an example of recently deciding to let her 3 year old now go to the fridge and push the lever to get his own water instead of waiting for mommy to do it... letting him have his independence so to speak. So she must think about it to a degree but NOT to the degree that I think about it. And I know she is one in a million mothers.

I literally would feel like offspring would be a test of how well I could do... if it turned out to be a terror - that's MY fault. If it turned out a druggie - MY fault! If she grows up to be insecure and sleeps around - MY fault! Or even simple things like a child who doesn't know proper etiquette. I just think exactly the way I feel about pet owners - if you aren't up for the HUGE task - don't go there! And I don't think most people think about how big of a task it is - or SHOULD be!

So, obviously - not a topic I can really spend a whole lot of time with - with my girlfriend! Albeit, I don't care, she can raise her kids however she wants... it will be interesting to see how they turn out. And honestly, if I'd had kids when I was 20... 21... 22... like I always thought I would - I had NOT thought about all the things I've thought about through my 20s and would probably just be "winging it and not worrying about" too... but I'm 31 and bringing a child into the world seems like SO MUCH MORE now!

So... yeah... this is a perfect example of "no one to talk to" - although I've talked BFs ear off about this!

Not that we have to change the thread topic - I just thought I'd give an example! Topics like this might be "taboo" in real life settings - ya know!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:56pm
HAHA! Well I've changed usernames with the shifting of the wind! I guess I tend to pick one that fits me at the time! I don't want to use my REAL name for my username - even though it fits me all the time! :) But I think this current one will stick - it's an all-the-time-fitter! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 8:54am

Case and point!

This post has gone unresponded to. That's kinda why I threw an example out there to see how, even on a message board, people (in what I would consider a "like" situation) would respond.

Do people just "not" talk about things these days? You say you don't Shy because people are judgmental and you are introspective - I get that!

I just wish there was someone to talk to about these things I have floating around in my head!

Moving on now! :)

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 11:39am

I have a woman friend that I talk about most things with. I'm not sure what I wouldn't talk about.

I use to belong in a men's group and one thing I avoided was talking about sex. I still felt that dealing with my insecurities in front of men made me too vulnerable. Now it's not an issue but I think mainly because I'm not seeing anyone LOL.

I blog on Myspace and I process things that are important in my life and post it there.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 3:41pm

I LOVE blogs - I love reading other's opinions about things and just about their life - how they view things and deal with them! I have a few blogs that I frequent - I just have never thought of doing my own blog!

I have to say Mark - from reading your posts around here it does surprise me that you are single... you seem insightful and intelligent (that might be why you've stayed single! haha)

And Shy I don't want to discount your reply by saying "this post has gone unresponded to" - I always appreciate your insight! I'm sure you knew what I meant!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 4:40pm

I'm probably stating the obvious, but your friend probably isn't worried about screwing up her children's adult lives because she's so busy! Three small boys are a hand full. I think probably a lot of people set out having these grandiose ideas about how they are going to teach their children everything they possibly can, then life gets in the way and they find they don't have the time or the energy. I think a lot of those ideals fall between the cracks so to speak.

I feel the same way you described in your initial post. That's why I enjoy coming here. It can sometimes be cathartic to get things out which you normally wouldn't in the real world.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:01pm

Thanks for the compliment luvmansbestfriend (BTW I tell people that my dog and my children are my best selling points). As you know from everyone here who are also fabulous, it's the randomness of life and how well the match is as well as how great each person is.

I do keep meeting some wonderful women. It's just they are not a match.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:24pm

I can see what you're saying. I sometimes feel that way, but I tell what I feel comfortable with and sometimes venting can help, but you might wanna pick one of your friends who won't tell everyone they know, and one who doesn't know everything, but who won't judge you either.


It seems like you have an open relationship with your boyfriend. Have you thought about talking to your mom or a family member about all this?