The Non-Date

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
The Non-Date
72
Sun, 07-13-2003 - 9:39pm
Schnappsers' date update triggered a pet peeve of mine. I hear so much about the "just drinks" meet up. I can honestly say that I have never done this, and if a guy suggested meeting up for "just coffee/drinks" I'd assume he wasn't interested enough in me to really want to get to know me over dinner and bowling or something. What happened to the REAL dating? Why are we so reluctant to give an evening of our time these days?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 1:12am
Ok I would prefer to meet someone over coffee. If I do not like the person it gives me an out. I would be wary of alcohol because people change while drinking.

I truly think people may be too shy to do the full-blown dare. Times have changes & yes, I wish a guy would court me but that ain't going to happen.

I think coffe is a nice, safe first step.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 8:02am
I prefer to meet for just coffee or a drink when it comes to a blind date. In NYC I don't mind meeting for just a drink with someone I've just met once - I don't have too many free evenings and it's better if I do a drink during the week in case I need to return to work after or do work at home. A second date - I agree that that should be more substantial in terms of time.

My bf brought up our first "non-date" - I had invited him - we were still just friends - to join me at temple for the megillah reading at Purim - he said he didn't want to but suggested sushi the next night. We met, I kissed him hello on the cheek, we had dinner, he insisted on paying and we had the best conversation and a quick good night kiss on the cheek - and I suggested we hang out again - because we were just friends (ironic given my typical rules). So this past saturday he mentioned it and called it a non-date and said that he didn't know what it was - in a joking way - I reminded him that he had paid which surprised him - anyway tangential but another example of the nebulous definitions of a date . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 9:34am
Well, there's coffee, and coffee.

My "meet market" came (and probably will again, now that I'm newly single) from personal ads, and a few of them suggested meeting at Starbucks, which I don't think is too shabby. I'd prefer if we met at a restaurant or even a bar for drinks and a snack. But the guy could be strapped, and I understand that all too well.

However, I will NOT pay my end of a date. It creates the wrong atmosphere between the two of you if you do in fact "click" and move forward. I'd rather meet for coffee and let him pay than go to a restaurant and pay my way. I think it's OK to pay once you're an established couple, but not before then. I've talked to several men friends about this topic, and they agree. Of course we're in our 40s and 50s, so perhaps it's a generational thing.

Still, I've found that men--at least the men I've gone out w/, in that age range--don't mind doing this. But a woman has first gotta LET them do it and not be so hasty about "sharing the load"--plenty of time for THAT later on, when the loads are heavier and more significant, IF you arrive at that point. And if a man doesn't wanna "ante up" now, then perhaps a woman had best take a more critical look at her companion. If he's chinchy right now, at romance's first blush, your future w/him augurs poorly indeed...

I agree, however, that any kind of male/female meeting, regardless of where it happens, qualifies as a date. "Where" is unimportant; it's what happens AFTER that counts.

Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 11:28am
I may be mis-remembering, but I thought her date was a blind date (fix-up). I rarely agree to anything beyond coffee in that situation, because you just don't know if you're going to hit it off in person. When I first started online dating, I made the mistake of agreeing to dinner with a couple of guys...and had some of the *longest* evenings of my life!!! I don't do that anymore.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 11:42am
I knew you all would say something about not knowing the guy, it could be awful, etc. Are we *that* afraid of taking a risk on someone? Are we that afraid to committ two hours of our time if it possibly couldn't be worthwhile?

I understand that a date (blind or not) can be awful, and everyone wants to get out of a bad date, but it seems like we create all these rules and situations that just make things more complicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 11:53am
I too have been on my share of blind dates, and I always thought that, even if it was duller than last nite's razor, it was only 1-2 hours out of my life. And if we "clicked," well, so much the better...

I always try to make the best of the evening, no matter how it turns out. Look at it this way: even if it doesn't pan out, it's 1 more "war story" to share w/your fellow dating warriors later on, and to reminisce about later when you NEED something to laugh about...

Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 1:16pm
It's not complicated at all!!! You meet for coffee, and if you hit it off, he asks you out again.

It's not the "risk" I'm worried about...it's wasting two hours of my life that I'll never get back! Life's too short to be doing that, especially if you're meeting several people a week.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 1:55pm
To me, it makes things more complicated. If we go to dinner, I know it's a date, I know who's paying, I know his intentions were to get to know me better because he's interested romantically. If a guy were to ask me to have a drink or coffee (I don't drink coffee, so for me that's another complication), I really wouldn't have a clue what he wants. Does he just want to be friendly? Is it a date? I'd just rather know than wonder.

As for two hours being wasted, I guess when you have a plethora of men asking you for "coffee" each week, then two hours might seem like a long time. I'd rather think of it as two hours I spent finding out something about someone I didn't know before. If it's awful, then so be it, but I usually find something positive about it.

I just think that dating in general has become way more complicated these days. There's so much more to be concerned about or wonder about and it just discourages me a whole lot more.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 2:00pm
Hmmm...that's never been a problem for me (not knowing whether it's a date or not). Again, perhaps it's the way I'm meeting these guys but we both know we're looking for a dating relationship (it's why we have profiles posted, and I only correspond with men who say they're looking for a serious relationship), so having coffee is just the first step in determining whether there's enough in person chemistry to go out again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 2:26pm
While dating may seem to have become more convoluted, it may be b/c LIFE has become so.

Myself, a date is a date is a date: if we meet through an ad, online, supermarket, drunken brawl, etc, if he's interested, he'll ask me to go to coffee, dinner, wherever. But as the saying goes, you can't judge a book, etc.

Anyone who's read my posts might remember my own tribulations. I married XH after meeting through a personal ad. He looked great "on paper:" widowed, grown kids, grandkids, schoolteacher, minister of his church, etc. We dated for 16 mos, which was, I think, time enough to know someone.

After the wedding, the awful truth emerged. Although I knew he had a problematic 28 yo son--former JD, ADHD, son out of wedlock, drug abuse--H swore he disapproved of son's lifestyle, wouldn't tolerate it, it wouldn't affect our life together, etc. Two mos after the wedding, son got cancer, moved in w/us since he had to stop working due to chemo treatments--and he calmly announced that he was moving coke as his p/t "business." Not only did H condone activity, he was the hub of the business. I spent 15 mos of my first marriage (at age 47) terrified that someone would get busted and I'd be in the slammer right next to them.

Worse still, I sold my own home (at a loss of $27K in equity) to purchase our own "love nest." When son and I came to battle about his activity, H tried to throw ME out of OUR house--that I paid for w/MY own home! I realized some of the $$ as part of the divorce decree--XH bought out my interest in our home (such as it was; we'd lived there barely 1 year)--but I feel fortunate that I got out of there w/no more damage than I did. I could've been in jail right now...

The moral of that story is, take a long, hard, critical look at someone who you think you want to wake up w/for the rest of your life--and then take ANOTHER look. The next fool I get into it w/, I'm having him "checked out" (peoplesearch.com and checkemout.com offer background investigations on romantic partners). That last venture cost me way too much $$, and I can't begin to compute the cost in heartache and trust. I'm not about to repeat that chapter of my life--and that saga is the single biggest argument for pre-nups.

Ash

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