The Non-Date cont'd: "Packaging"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
The Non-Date cont'd: "Packaging"
7
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 10:03am
I ended "The Non-Date" post w/something I believe is worth thinking about. I've read in various places about how all of us have a "package"--IOW, who we are and what we offer to anyone as a person, a mate, a lover, etc.

For example, my own package would be: single, no kids, degreed, professional, stable employment (federal), good salary; hard-working, accomplished, recognized in my field; buying my own home, drive a paid-for, late-model car; relatively good health, exercise fairly often and moderately (but for recent surgery and/or injury); attractive, forthright, honest, sometimes brutally so, but never mean-spiritedly. Having listed these attributes, these are things that I seek in a mate. Since I'm a hard worker, I've no interest in a dilettante, etc. Any man I'm interested in has got to know what's in it for HIM as well, as well as what's in it for me.

Does anybody agree w/this concept of packaging? I bring it up b/c it seems to me that if we were all more aware of what we have to offer, we might be more apt to recognize the same in others (ie, men) and not "over-shoot" (or "under-shoot", for that matter) our "limit." This way, we become a little more realistic about who we're looking for and what we're likely to get. I can lust after Tom Cruise for the rest of my life, but even I know he'll never give me the time of day--he doesn't have to; the rest of the world is beating down his door.

Granted, I've got all the above, and love besides, if I meet a man I could love. But if that man is so "over my head" that I know he's out of my romantic strata, then I'll back off and look elsewhere. Yes, a good and sweet girl, w/all the love in the world, is attractive, but some men, by virtue just of who they ARE, can find good, sweet, loving girls--who are model-gorgeous, who come from $$, who are famous in their own right, etc. Those men can afford girls like that, and pass up someone like me, b/c their own "packages" allow it.

Bottom line is, do we know what kind of "package" we offer--and what kind of "draw" does that package have for what kind of man? Knowing this might fend off a lot of disillusionment and broken hearts, and possibly ruined lives.

Ash

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 11:58am
I think you're talking about old fashioned "leagues".

I remember in high school a teacher telling us that people will end up with like-looking people. He meant that the super attractive women will end up with super attractive men, the ugly women will end up with ugly men, etc. I really don't agree with that. Beauty is subjective, and I often find that what others find attractive, I will not. I used to watch the beauty pageants on tv, but I would always end up commenting on how I didn't think most of the finalists were attractive at all. Take away the makeup and fancy clothes, and you've just got a normal woman.

As for other attributes, I think we have to have similar values. For example, I really don't want to date someone who can't control his money. I do have money issues once in awhile, and that doesn't bother me, but constant spending on useless things on credit really irks me. I think "Would I want to join my credit rating with his??"

I also don't want to date someone who has been married or has kids. That's because I haven't been, and I really don't want to be a "second choice". I don't want his kids because I know how awful custody issues can be, and I just don't want to deal with that. I also don't want to take on someone else's discipline problems. I have my own ideas about how to raise children, and I don't think I'd be able to stand back and just be a step mom.

Besides that, there are things that I think everyone wants. Honesty, integrity, hard worker, employed, etc. It's not so much about me having those things, but it's about those things making a good man.

As far as what kind of man my "package" draws, I'm not sure. It doesn't seem to be attracting any right now, but I also don't meet a lot of men. The last two guys I dated weren't real confident, and they drove me nuts with it. They seemed to like me well enough, though. One had his life together, and one didn't. One was needy, one wasn't. One was financially secure, the other wasn't. About the only thing they had in common was that they couldn't handle my independence and strong personality.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 12:04pm
Hmm...most of your "package" revolves around your financial stability. I honestly don't CARE what kind of car a guy owes...much less whether its PAID for or not?!? But maybe thats b/c I don't own a car ;-) Sorry but out of your top ten "specs", 8 of them were specifically related to your career/money making abilities. I would be worried about attracting materialistic ppl with that packaging!

But I do agree with your theory - if we know what we are offering, we can be realistic about what we are asking for. Certainly, I look for men who are more attractive than I am...something I struggle with...(why should looks be so damn important? can't go there on this board...heehee). Maybe thats why I don't get treated the way I should - he's thinking I'm not up to his standards?

I won't list my "package" cause thats just a personals ad :)

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 1:39pm
I only look at a man as a list of qualities when I am not really into him - when I am really into him, I like and am attracted to his essence and do not think of him as a list of qualities. Of course I have basics - must be Jewish, at least college educated, bright, witty (comparable to my sense of humor) classy (in the sense of warm, compassionate, able to make anyone comfortable - whether a doorman, CEO, taxi driver or a combo of all three), and wants marriage and family in the near future. My package - I know I have a lot to offer and I do not need to list it - huge waste of time - why? Because I am realistic in who I go for - including with respect to level of attractiveness, intelligence, values, goals, etc. - my little checklist is only to screen out those who I wouldn't even consider going on a date with - but if I click with someone I click with the whole package and do not think of it as sum of its parts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 1:58pm
That's interesting, Go: I'd never thought about how $$-oriented my "package" was. Then again, I just divorced a man who was great at spending MY $$ for himself and his kids.

It's not that I want someone w/a lot of $$; it's just that I'd like a potential mate to be on at least the same "level" as I am--that, and have the same values. Again, XH looked good "on paper:" degreed, HS teacher, minister of his church. After the wedding, I learned that not only was son moving coke, but his dad (DH) was the hub of the enterprise! Worse yet, NONE of that ever surfaced during courtship, and XH swore that he disapproved of son's lifestyle, that it'd never affect our life together, etc. Three mos into the marriage proved his loyalties were w/anyone except me.

As for kids, alas, at my age I don't know how I'll get away from that issue. I will, however, make damn sure I know more about them than is presented to me.

The next time I get serious, I've already decided to (1) invest in a private eye to check out someone's movements if I think they're shady; (2) invest $99 in a background report; and (3) get a pre-nup, if we get that far. And IF we get that far, he's moving into MY house! (I lost a LOT of $$ when I virtually gave away equity in the quick sale of my home, which $$ was used to purchase our home; I got that $$ back in the settlement, but it was a pittance compared to what I lost.)

Anyway, it's not so much that I'm $$ seeking more of it; it's just that I wanna make sure I don't get stuck w/a parasite (again). Only someone who's really hungry is on the look-out to take someone else's food.

Ash

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 2:23pm
"The next time I get serious, I've already decided to (1) invest in a private eye to check out someone's movements if I think they're shady"

Why would you get serious with someone you think is shady?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 2:32pm
To illustrate: while XH and I were dating, his son led a very erratic life, and then DH-to-be swore it would never affect our life together. After the wedding, it turned out that the two were very much "of like mind" and activity. We lived a fair distance apart, and so, knowing what I know now, I'd have had him followed for a few days; the cost of an PI would've been negligible compared to what it cost me ultimately.

Hopefully I'll never encounter a similar situation--or pay a LOT closer attention if it hoves into view so I don't need that PI.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 1:37pm
"Bottom line is, do we know what kind of "package" we offer--and what kind of "draw" does that package have for what kind of man? "

what you have to offer varies from man to man. while one man may find your strengths to be impressive, another may find them a turnoff...

i think... it's more important to understand a man's reactions to you than to assess his 'package requirements'.