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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 5:20pm |
I went to my nephew's 4th birthday party this weekend. It was 20 adults (all married couples), 14 kids, and me -- the lone single gal.
I mentioned to a coworker that I was looking around at this party and feeling twinges of envy that the women in the room had all found mates and had moved onto to having kids. I don't know any of these people (other than my sister and her family) - so I am sure they are not all in HAPPY marriages, and I definitely want a happy marriage with the right person.
What bothers me is how my coworker responded -- she said, "that's when you should feel good that you have cute shoes or something" and "married people aren't happy - they're just married." Hmm, happy marriage vs. cute shoes?? Yeah - those are on the same plane.
I know her point was that I should be happy with where I am -- something we discuss on this board a lot. I agree with that. What is getting to me lately is that I get the vibe from people that I am not allowed to say out loud what I want. I wasn't crying in my coffee over it, it was just a "wouldn't that be nice" feeling. Why is it so wrong for me to say to someone that I'd like to be married and have a family?
In a similar vein, I also feel like I'm not able to talk to anyone about my love life. I can't share with people that I had a great date, or a bad date, or I met a new man. I suppose it's just because it's because my friends are in different places than me.
I guess that's why I found you all. :) SIGH. Just feeling a little alone in my singleness today.

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Is it possible she was just trying to make you feel better...not imply that you aren't "allowed" or are wrong to say what you said? Some people just don't have the knack for saying the right thing...but I *try* (don't always succeed, LOL!) to give people the benefit of the doubt--that they were *trying* to be nice ;-).
Why don't you feel you can share stuff with your friends? Are you possibly projecting your feelings onto your friends (or have they actually said, "we don't want to hear it")? If it's the latter--yikes, that's not very nice!
In any event, you can say stuff like that to us any time ;-).
Sheri
I could be projecting. I guess I'm getting a silent vibe that feels like they're thinking, "same old story, different guy" and inwardly rolling their eyes. Nobody's actually said they don't want to hear it.
This coworker is also single and not really dating, so it could be that she doesn't want to talk about her own love life.
I suppose I'm feeling a lack of connection with any friends at this point. The single girls avoid the love life subject like the plague and the married ones don't 100% remember what it was like to be where I am and offer platitudes like "just stop looking and it will happen when you least expect it."
It was nice when I was younger to be able to talk to people about these things, and I just don't have it anymore.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Some people would call being happy with where you are complacency, and that's not always a good thing.
>> We're lucky to have each other!<<
You said it. Since I starting posting in November, this has been a great forum for me to bounce ideas off people, vent, and to feel like there are others living in the same place of life as me. I'm glad I found y'all.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I agree with Sherry that people who mean well can say the wrong thing. While I know that there is some truth in what your coworker said, likely it meant nothing to you because, as you said, she is not interested in having a relationship. In my opinion, it is better off for her to keep quiet and to just "be there" while you were feeling miserable....
Actually, Shywon, I want to thank you too because you have always been supportive!
tallgirl,
I agree with akt226 and have to say you have been great to me and gave support so dont feel bad for what you feel. Who cares if others may disagree with you. You feel what you feel and want what you want and as long as what you want doesnt hurt anyone else dont second guess it. I come here just like you to look for someone to listen to me.
As far as people who try to make you feel better and say the wrong thing...well I never say the right thing so I have to stick up for your friend lol. Many people dont know what to say to someone when they have a problem so just know that your friend was trying help and they cared which not everyone has (someone to care). But all I can really say is that everyone gets frustrated with the fact that they arent getting everything they want out of their at any particular time, and many people dont like to admit that fact so most people feel the way you do but things will eventually turn your way. You are a caring, sympathetic person and the only problem you have is that a guy who deserves you hasnt come along yet so just be patient. Good things come to those who wait.
I know what you mean - equating shoes with a lifeling partner is ridiculous. Unless they happen to be a pair of kid leather Varda boots. Then....maybe. LOL!
I think that many people get really uncomfortable around someone single once they have paired up. Maybe their worried that our singleness and what they assume must be abject loneliness will rub off on them. Like single is a disease. Not everyone acts this way, of course. One of my best friends is married and I can relate to her (and she to me) like a sister. But some people do seem to react that way.
Anyone remember the Sex and the City episode about the war between singles and marrieds? One notion there was that married women are worried that single women will steal their men. There might be a grain of truth in that though I have never been made to feel that way.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I do sometimes feel like it's a war between the singles and the marrieds -- there are just a lot more marrieds around me than singles. :) It's too bad there's some tension, because I enjoy having friends in all stages of life - younger, older, married, kids, no kids. It makes life more interesting to associate with all kinds of people.
I will give props to my best friend. She's been married for five years and still does ask about my dating life. She's currently on bed rest (pregnant with twins), though, so understandably her mind is on other things and she doesn't feel well. I worry when she has her kids that she'll be too busy to talk much -- so I that's part of the feeling I've been having.
I did get the vibe from some of the gals at my nephew's party that I'd better not even think of talking to their men. LOL. I didn't really care about that -- I was there for my nephew. I just took note of what sweet families some of them were.
If single is a disease, I seem to have a terminal case of it. LOL. Kidding, of course, but some days it feels that way.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
(((((hugs))))
And I feel you on everything you said.
Whenever I'm moaning about how I wish I were in a happy relationship, there is always someone trying to tell me I should be enjoying my singledom and truth is no matter how much I have single, it doesn't compare to my happiest moments in love. There is no comparison to me. Nearl everything I am able to do now, I still did when I was in a relationship, except there was always someone there who supported me, loved me, missed me and desired me. Things I crave and do not get being single with no strong prospects.
I say vent here as much as you want to. I know I do. That's what we're here for.
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