Not that into me or is he shy?
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 1:53pm |
I've never read the book, but I've become really familiar with the "He's just not that into you" phenomenon. And I finally made the decision that I am no longer going to waste my time on anyone who doesn't make an obvious effort to let me know he's interested. But it's not all black and white...
My current interest seems not that into me, according to the "rules." So I was just going to blow him off, however, the situation is making me wonder if I'd be writing him off too soon. I worked in the same building with R for about 8 months. I knew he was interested, just because he'd get really flustered whenever we ended up in the elevator together (which often seemed too perfectly orchestrated, KWIM?) We worked for different divisions, but we'd often end up in the same place in the building and he always seemed so nervous. One time I think he asked me out and I laughed at him. He said it very quietly and I misunderstood. I thought he said "you should go out for a few drinks" when I was talking about a difficult week. But he really said "WE should go out..." I laughed and said "Yeah, right, good idea!" Then I walked away. Ugh. The look on his face was terrible - he was crushed, but the elevator closed and by the time I realized what had happened it was too late. I didn't see him much after that and he later quit the company. I had other stuff going on, but I still thought of him often.
About a week ago we ended up at the same happy hour gathering. Neither of us were drinking, so we were chatting the whole night. He stilled seemed so nervous - then he asked me to meet him and some friends at another bar the following night. I had other plans, but I agreed to meet up with him for a drink before meeting my friends. Well, my other plans fell through and we spent the entire evening together. We both got really really drunk and I stayed at his apartment. We ended up having sex and he told me that has liked me for a really long time, but he never knew how to approach me. Even though we were drinking, when I look back on that night he was actually loving. We cuddled the entire night and in the morning I caught him watching me sleep. Overall he was very sweet and loving. But I was wierded out by the whole thing. He wasn't a random guy, but I still felt so cheap for doing what I did. So I basically got dressed and left without a word. I told a friend how I behaved, versus how he behaved and we both agreed that it came off that **I** was only interested in a one night stand. When he tried to show me something about his work, I just responded with "oh" and I blew it off. Ugh - so rude! I feel horrible! But I was just nervous and uncomfortable and hungover and I just wanted out of the situation to regroup.
Two days later I texted him and he texted back. I texted a response, but he didn't respond to me, although he called me that night. We talked for about half an hour but it was really really awkward. It was wierd to try to get to know someone who I've already slept with. Again, I'm afraid that in my efforts to play it cool I came off as being aloof and not interested. I ended the conversation kind of abruptly. He called me back 2 days later, but I had gone to bed early so I didn't get his call. I texted him the next to apoligize for missing his call. He never responded and I haven't heard from him.
I think I've done all I can to let him know I want to get to know him, but I also know that I've been aloof. Basically, I've been acting like a guy. But I do really like him. He's a NICE guy and I'm so used to dealing with players I don't know how to proceed. I'm trying to play it cool, but maybe so is he?? I was talking with someone who knows him much better than I do and she said that he was always intimidated by me, and he thought I was out of his league.
Do the hjntiy provisions apply to a guy who is shy to begin with, whose friend said he was intimidated by me, and who may just be unsure whether I just used him for sex? How can I let him know I'm interested without appearing desparate (in the event that he really is not that into me?)
I really feel like the guy in this situation. If I WERE the guy I'd send flowers or something. But I'm a girl and I like being the girl. I've never pursued a guy, and honestly, I refuse to. If he's not really into me, fine. I'm too busy for a boyfriend anyway. But from the moment I met this guy he has intrigued me. I'd spend the rest of my life (or at least a few months LOL) kicking myself if I just let this go away with him thinking I used him. How do I fix it?

So if you want to set things straight and start over again then why not just meet him for coffee or a walk in the park and just clear the air and tell him what you said here?
Texting and phone calls just don't cut it when there are misunderstandings and trying to establish communication.
Actually I can understand if an attractive woman that I was crushing on but was too shy to approach had sex with me and then blew me off then I would be reluctant to contact her.
Mark
I think there's a happy medium somewhere. I used to play the game really hard in order to hide my interest. I once had a girlfriend tell me that I had almost a militant attitude towards dating.
I was playing this role so intently, I started becoming confused about one guy in particular; someone who I was really into. I couldn't decipher if he was just playing the field or if he was playing the game for the same reasons as I. I guess I was kidding myself because he and I had a playful argument one night and he said: "I don't play games". That's when I had my answer. I knew at that point that he was just in it for fun. He wasn't holding back because I was being coy. He wasn't that into me. If I had been more honest all along, I never would have been hurt in the end. I think that had he saw how I really felt, he would have been the type of guy to back off, not use me. He just thought I was having fun b/c I was hiding behind a false persona.
I've read somewhere that what makes a man fall in love with someone is how they make him feel about himself. This is probably true for both sexes. If this guy feels second rate when he's around you, he may give up. I don't think women should throw themselves at men but I do think one has to let some of their true feelings shine through.
Wow - you just explained my last "relationship." I thought he was playing it safe because he was unsure of my feelings, or that he was playing the game to reciprocate my coyness/game playing. It ended the same way yours did. I felt used, but once I pulled back I realized that he never knew what the relationship meant to me. He thought we were both having fun. My friends have also pointed out to me that I'm really brash when it comes to dating. I guess I gave my heart to a guy once, and he crushed it, so now I overcompensate by being too careful. But you can't get anywhere without taking risks, right? Sometimes our game playing works TOO well.
So how do I let this guy know that I'm really interested? I'm going to do what Mark suggested and just tell him straight out how I feel. At least I know he is (or was) interested so the playing field seems a little safer. Still, should I just call him and ask him out? I never do anything forward like that and I just can't imagine doing it! Ugh - I wish I were a guy and I could just send flowers. Why don't girls have anything generic like that to fall back on?
I have a hard time "playing" roles and games when I try to get to know someone. I am all about being straightforward but moderating your behavior (I just saw "How to lose a guy in 10 days" where the woman goes overboard in her enthusiasm to lose the guy) according to how the relationship "feels."
If I am interested I can show my interest in ways that seem to "fit" the phase of the relationship, e.g. early in the relationship then the interest can be saying the words "I'm interested" and a little further into the relationship I can send flowers.
Make sense?
Mark
First, don't text him.
So true about there being a lot of guesswork in dating. And when we try to pigeon-hole it by setting up rules and playing games, it takes all the excitement away and turns it into something tedious. I think I'm finally realizing that.
R ended up calling me last night and we had a wonderful conversation. We are going out this weekend. I'm trying hard to not think of much beyond that point. He likes me today, who knows about tomorrow?
I also love the idea of cooking him dinner, but I'm sort of thinking he's just in it for the fun, which is fine by me for now. At least I know and I can go into this just expecting a casual relationship. And if it turns into more, great. A good guy friend also pointed out that guys never feel "used." They WANT to be used, so I'm no longer worried that I made him feel cheap. LOL And I let him know on the phone last night that I am interested, so I'll just sit back and see where this ride takes me. :)
Thanks for all the advice!