Not sure what to do about FWB
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-01-2007 - 2:30am |
So, back when I was 19 I met this guy at a summer job. I was really interested in him and he was showing good interest back. So I went over there and we hung out for a while but then he proceeded to tell me he just got out of a relation and was only looking to have some 'fun'. I was also just out of a relationship myself also so I figured it would be alright and I'm very VERY attracted to the guy.
This has continued, on and off depending on if we were dating other people for the last 4 years now. He does have a lot of the qualities I look for in a guy and I will admit, I would like to date him. About two years ago he mentioned dating and we agreed to try but right away he backed out of it and said he wasn't sure. I've tried to ask him before what it is about me that he finds so 'undateable' (He basically told me he could never date me about a year ago). I've been nothing but nice to him for as long as I've known him. I've supported him in every way I could, been there when he was having hard times and have done everything I could to make sure he was happy.
I should also mention that we don't hang out a lot aside from when we sleep together, but we do talk almost daily on IM (computer).
It's getting really hard for me now though, in one year he'll be finished school and will be leaving for another city and I may never see him again. This just eats me up inside as I really would like to have a chance with him. It bothers me so much he won't even try and won't tell me what it is that he's so turned off by with me. He'll sleep with me but he just will not date me.
Then three nights ago I went over again, I knew it likely wasn't the smartest idea based on these feelings I'm having but I just cannot resist him, for some reason, it's like he has this power over me.
We slept together and he seemed a lot more talkative and friendly this time. I thought maybe there might be a chance now.
But then today he comes on IM and is telling me about this girl he's going to ask out in the gym. It's really hard for me to hear these things and even before, he's constantly complaining to me how he can't get a girfriend or the girls he does take on dates always dump them even though apparently he 'treats them like gold' - or so he says. I don't get it, why does he sit there complaining about it yet, me, whose always been there for him, treats him well, obviously has sexual chemistry with, he won't pursue?
Any advice on what to do? I'm just torn, I don't know if I should tell him how I feel again, just keep suppressing these feelings and at least enjoy the one last year he's around or what. My brain tells me I'm being really stupid and should remove him from my life but my heart won't seem to let me do it.

Hi berry,
It seems unlikely that after four years this man will miraculously want to date you and not just sleep with you. You have certainly contributed to this situation by allowing him to offer you crumbs all of this time. Even if he could articulate why he doesn't want to date you, it wouldn't matter--even if you could change, I suspect it would then be something else that made you undateable. Plus, I suspect he likes things just the way they are. And, it's a real ego/power thing for him: he always has you for sex while he pursues other women, which he tells you about. I consider that a form of abuse, actually.
You know this isn't good for you. But if you don't believe you deserve better than this, this may be all you ever get. I don't care how attractive he may seem, it's not worth it to your self esteem to continue with this. Consider the possibility that there is an equally attractive man out there just looking for a woman like you to date.
Clear this man out of your life to make room for someone new. Don't waste another year. Be strong...you can do it!
Best--FG
I agree with the other poster, this isn't something that should be continued. It's not healthy for you. I've been there before and have pushed my feelings down to continue having fun and tried telling myself that it's okay, but every time I would go back for more, I would end up feeling hurt all over again.
I know how hard it is to back down from a situation like this, especially when it's someone you truly care about, but this guy isn't taking your feelings into consideration when he's telling you about the girls he wants to ask out. And he's not going to be around forever, so why not just back away now and save yourself from the hurt later.
I'm just going to echo what the other ladies have said.
Thanks so much for your responses. I know you guys are right, deep down for years I've known I should remove him from my life but it just seems so hard. I will not talk to him for a few weeks or months and things seem to get better (just feel better about myself) but then he'll lure me back again. It's just odd he has this power over me, other guys I've had no issues with saying no to in the past.
I think maybe a part of it too is the fact he won't tell me why he can't date me and this drives me crazy. I'd really like to know his reasoning, it may hurt to hear but I can't honestly think of anything he's seen of me that would turn him off.
But true, my self-confidence is not improving because of this situation and to waste another year wouldn't be smart. Plus I know I can't think of being in another successful relationship until he is gone because he'll always be in the back of my mind.
Do you think I should say anything to him? Maybe tell him how I feel and then tell him I think it's best for us not to talk anymore? Or just dissappear?
Yes, tell him.
I do not think you need to tell this guy anything. He deserves to hear nothing from you, except your footsteps running away from him. This guy doesn't respect you, never did and never will. You need to own up to that and accept it and move on.
You're not respecting yourself. You're making yourself easy access to him, this is why he'll never date you nor respect you. Men love a challenge. Not someone that is going to be open for them whenever they need it. This may sound harsh, but I'm telling you this for your own good. Until you respect yourself, this is all the type of men you're going to draw in. That's just the way it is. I disagree with letting him know how you feel because basically, he could care less. Aren't his actions showing you this as it is? Don't stroke his ego even more. Just move on and forget him.
Edited 7/2/2007 8:52 am ET by ivil_mami25
Cut him out. Seriously. I know it's hard because I've been there, but once you get him out of your system you'll be SO much better for it.
I dated a guy last summer and he wasn't a FWB per se, but he would see me and sleep with me without really wanting to define it as pretty much anything. It was a more complicated situation because he only lived here for a summer, but we kept up this pseudo-dating thing when he was away and I just kept developing stronger feelings for him until he suddenly started dating one of his good friends (and right off the bat, he was more into it than her, which made me feel GREAT). I was devastated for a little while (this was recently) and he kept talking to and flirting with me, but once I finally decided enough was enough and cut him out, I felt SO much better. It was really hard, I'll give you that, but it was definitely worth it.
Thanks for the replies, I needed to hear that. You are right, this guy is such an ass and I know that and I can't believe he has this power over me. It's just so odd, any other guy who has tried to pull this kind of stuff (and there have been a few so the comment about me always attracting men who like to do this is applicable), but those ones, it's been easy to just say no and get away from them. This guy though, it's like he has this power over me and I just go dumb.
I have to stop though. As long as he's a part of my life I will not be able to be in a relationship. Part of me wishes if I held strong and stopped sleeping with him now he may want to try and date but then another part of me questions myself, why would I even want to date a jerk like this in the first place? I mean, he's sitting her sleeping with me one day then telling me about his plans to ask out another girl the next. Whose to say if he was dating me he wouldn't be plotting his next conquest. Errr. Yes, he needs to go.
I would almost like to say something to him about it, maybe just tell him I'm not putting up with this anymore and next time he's all depressed he can't find a girlfriend he should think about the girl he gave up.... or something to make him feel bad but then he probably wouldn't feel bad anyway. Maybe just not talking to him anymore at all is the best way to go.
He doesn't "have" power over you--or at least not any power you haven't GIVEN him or LET him have. Don't get into the passive, victim mentality--it's YOUR choice to continue with him, or not.
I do understand (believe me, I do!) that certain men can be addicting to us and we do and accept things with them and from them that we'd never accept from other men, and that's probably what you mean, but again, you have the choice to walk away from the addiction.
You can say something if you want, but regardless, you need to take *action* in order to make sure he can't contact you any more and you are not tempted. Block him from emailing you or even change your email address and/or phone number if necessary (depending on how he usually contacts you).
Sheri