Not sure what's wrong with me...
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| Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:26am |
Hi,
So I was just wondering if I could get some advice, or opinions.
I got out of a whirlwind relationship a while ago, I fell in love with him however he ended up moving and I couldn't go with. It took me almost full year to get over him completely, for the longest time I just couldn't move past it.
Now I am 100% over him though and have taken a good 4 months off dating because I'd had a few dates and just didn't feel into it.
lately though part of me wants to start dating, so I'll go on an online website, start talking to someone and then all of a sudden I just feel almost claustrophic and like it's not what I want.
At this point in my life I really enjoy the freedom from being single and not having to worry about what another person wants though. But there are nights when I feel lonely and would like to have someone to share my time with.
That and I guess part of me kind of thinks not many guys would be interested in me. I don't drink, I don't like to party till all hours in the morning and just prefer to go to bed at a decent hour (which isn't really that typical for my age - 23). I get a little self conscious of this.
I'm starting to worry though, so many people keep asking me if I'm seeing someone or offering to set me up. I've been told that I should 'hurry' because all the good ones will be gone and when I'm older, if I'm dating guys who are 30+ and are single, there is likely something wrong with them.
I just don't know what to do. Like do I try and push myself past my little shell and start dating and hopefully once I meet someone I'm interested in the desire to be in a relationship will come back? I'm just not sure if it's what I want and it seems like all the last dates I've went on after one or two dates I just wanted to end it (and I hate going through the process of trying to explain that to a guy)...
Anyway, sorry to ramble, I think a lot of it just me being frustrated with myself and not feeling like I want to date when all my friends seem to be getting married.

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Hi there! There's nothing "wrong" with you, don't let anyone make you think that about yourself!! I'm 23-years-old and I don't drink or go out and party. I can't even be friends with those types of people, which has kept me from making friends and getting out of the house. I just broke up with my ex on the 11th, so I haven't quite gotten to the point where people are trying to set me up, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm planning on being single for a really long time. I just FEEL better when I don't have to cater to someone else's wants and needs all the time, know what I mean?
I just wanted to say that I don't think you should date or get into a relationship unless you want to. Nowadays, it's becoming more acceptable for people to remain single in a couple's world. Don't jump out there into dating just because everyone else wants you to be as tied-down as they are in their relationships. For some odd reason, they think that everyone wants/needs to be coupled up...it goes along with that whole "fear what's different" kind of thing. People who would rather be in relationship than to be alone are going to look at single people as a tragedy, even though you may see it otherwise. Just give them a smile, say "No thank you, I'm just enjoying my freedom for now" and move on. Don't let them make you feel like what you are doing is wrong, they just don't know any better. You have a better sense of self than they probably do and even people in couples sometimes envy your freedom. Relish it!! Live it up!
Thanks so much for your posts. I can't tell you how good it feels just to have somewhere to talk about this.
So I did some more thinking today and I really think the biggest problem with why I don't want to date is I'm just scared that any guy who I really like isn't going to like me back.
I just feel insecure about a few things - the not really liking to party and rather go to bed at 11 or 12. I just feel like I'm not the typical 20something. I think maybe subconsciously I worry so much about the guy rejecting me that I push him away before he gets close (on all the dates I went on this summer, after one or two times out I just wanted to 'run').
It seems to be a pattern with me, pushing away like this and I hate doing that to the guys because they don't really deserve it, it's just my own fears, so then I just avoid dating altogether.
How do you guys deal with this? Do you have any insequrities? It's probably so stupid but I guess I just worry about really putting myself out there because I feel 'odd' - if that makes sense.
I'm a lot like you. I'm 24, I'm not a big partier, I'm not one to go out to a club or out to meet new people all by myself. I have strong morals and am a Christian. Sometimes I think the better you know yourself, the harder it is to find someone. Some men seem to be so intimidated by independent and strong women!
It sounds like you may be a passive commitment phobe - I only say this because I have been one myself! In the past, I got interested in guys and was ready to commit, and in the end it wouldn't work out because he, too was a commitment phobe. I was single for 2 years (by choice) and during that time I did a lot of soul-searching and research on CP's.
I thouroughly believe that what is meant to happen will happen. Life is meant to be enjoyed. If you enjoy it being single, go that route. If you'd be happier with the right person, take risks and seek out men who are stable. :)
Hope this helps some! :)
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Thanks for your thoughts. I think a lot of it with me is that deep down I feel like once the guy gets to know me more he's not going to like me so to protect my feelings I just avoid getting into a relationship.
I guess I just figure what guy is going to want to be with a girl who would rather stay in and go to bed at 11 then go out with a group of friends until later at night? ... I guess I almost feel like I'd do better if I was 35-45 in the dating world since typically people at this age are past their party/late-night years.
Maybe it's just a matter of me realizing that if the guy doesn't understand this about me and isn't will to accept it than we are simply not meant to be together and it doesn't make me a bad person or undateable. I mean, I definetly shouldn't be changing who I am in order to please the guy I am dating since then it's not really 'me' who he's dating.
You got it! Maybe start looking at older men - older as in the 27-29 range. Typically, (not in all cases,) but in general these days, research shows that men aren't willing to settle down and get serious about dating until their late 20's early 30's. Women are also waiting longer to get married. The early 20's are, in a way, the new teens. (Which is good for independence, but kinda sucks for the mature ones like you and I!)
Not all people in their early 20's are party animals or already in relationships. It just seems that way.
Your last paragraph is great! For awhile I said I never wanted to date again. Not out of bitterness, but just because I didn't think God wanted that for me. After 2 years of just chilling and figuring out my life, I've woken up and realized that I am not the typical 20 year old, not imperfect, but definately beautiful, kind and worthwhile. :)
I know where you're coming from, girl!
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Please do not let yourself believe the misconception that people over thirty have issues and there is something wrong with them. Yes, at 23, a man over 30 is probably too old for you. But from my experience, the men I dated who were younger were the worse men to date. As we get older, we learn to live a little and grow up in our own skin. All people have issues they need to deal with and those guys I met who were younger did not have the maturity to deal with things and ended up treating the girls badly. A man who has lived a little and had time to grow up will learn to deal with things in his life, ends up feeling better about himself and the people he is with. So I repeat myself, all people have some sort of baggage!! From my experience, the older men had always treated me so much better. I relate this to being older, dealing with their issues, and knowing how to actually treat a woman right.
But as a 23 year old, don't let yourself feel that you need to be in a relationship. You are to young to get trapped into something you really don't want right now and from what I hear, you might just actually enjoy being single. Enjoy it!!
Thanks again for the responses, it feels so good getting this out and talking about it.
It's good to hear some other opinions about older men. I guess the way I figure it right now, the guys I have dated have been older (25-27). I just find they are more together than someone my own age 23, who are more into partying and just casual stuff.
I guess I just worry if I stay single until I'm 27 or 28, the older I get the more 'baggage' the men will have who I will be then looking to date - but again this isn't necessarily true, as said more men are waiting until later in life when they have their careers together.
This is another thing with me, I'm still trying to figure out a career and it just feels kind of wrong to get really involved with someone until I know what I'm doing with my own life, but at the same time, it does get lonely sometimes.
I guess this whole thing could partly be frustration with myself for not having my life more together and feeling abnormal. It helps though to know at least I"m not the only 23 year old though who isn't partying every weekend. It's just hard to deal with sometimes when it seems everyone around me is.
Thanks again for your guys' advice.
Just some more food for thought... (can you tell I'm pondering for you?!)
When I look back on my college years, I wish I hadn't been quite so serious. I've never been a big drinker, and I avoided "partying". My idea of drinking was with close friends at my apartment or at a Chili's. :)
Anyways, I have no regrets about taking college seriously, but if I could go back I probably would have gone to a party every now and then not to drink, but just so socialize. I'm sure there were other people there who were not drinking like crazy until all hours!
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