Not sure what's wrong with me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Not sure what's wrong with me...
27
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:26am

Hi,

So I was just wondering if I could get some advice, or opinions.

I got out of a whirlwind relationship a while ago, I fell in love with him however he ended up moving and I couldn't go with. It took me almost full year to get over him completely, for the longest time I just couldn't move past it.

Now I am 100% over him though and have taken a good 4 months off dating because I'd had a few dates and just didn't feel into it.

lately though part of me wants to start dating, so I'll go on an online website, start talking to someone and then all of a sudden I just feel almost claustrophic and like it's not what I want.

At this point in my life I really enjoy the freedom from being single and not having to worry about what another person wants though. But there are nights when I feel lonely and would like to have someone to share my time with.

That and I guess part of me kind of thinks not many guys would be interested in me. I don't drink, I don't like to party till all hours in the morning and just prefer to go to bed at a decent hour (which isn't really that typical for my age - 23). I get a little self conscious of this.

I'm starting to worry though, so many people keep asking me if I'm seeing someone or offering to set me up. I've been told that I should 'hurry' because all the good ones will be gone and when I'm older, if I'm dating guys who are 30+ and are single, there is likely something wrong with them.

I just don't know what to do. Like do I try and push myself past my little shell and start dating and hopefully once I meet someone I'm interested in the desire to be in a relationship will come back? I'm just not sure if it's what I want and it seems like all the last dates I've went on after one or two dates I just wanted to end it (and I hate going through the process of trying to explain that to a guy)...

Anyway, sorry to ramble, I think a lot of it just me being frustrated with myself and not feeling like I want to date when all my friends seem to be getting married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 7:42pm

Hi Berry,

Don't worry about feeling you've not got your life together - it's a sign you want to be somewhere, you just haven't nutted out quite where that is and/or how to get there yet. It's a good motivating sign. Mine hit at 25, and I ran with it. Seven years later, do I have a relationship, no, but I'm happy where my career is at and keep getting head hunted for senior roles. My best friend has the relationship and is about to get married (to a divorced guy), and is peed off cause she keeps getting passed over for promotion and left behind those who were educated later than her. Swings and round-a-bouts, really - we're each happy in one part of our life and wish another part was a little different.

At 23, I wouldn't stress too much about whether you "should" be dating - if you're not comfortable with it for whatever reason, don't. If you want to figure out your (first) career, focus on that.

Don't worry about baggage in whoever you may wind up dating/marrying - we all have it simply because we live. Many may disagree with me, but I think we use the term 'baggage' to simply describe our personal discomfort with the fact that people we meet have had lives before they met us, and how we are going to react/deal with what that brings - positive or negative. It's how someone's dealt with what's occured in their life (and that encompasses romantic and platonic relationships, career, family, financial, and general life experiences), and who they are, in order to be comfortable with who they are at the time you meet and how you react to that person that's important.

I know the above seems quite negative, but what I'm trying to say is just go with the flow of YOUR life, and focus on what works for your life now. You can change and focus on something else later. If you focus on a fear of baggage in someone, then you may build walls that you don't intend to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:26pm

Hi,

Thanks so much for that message, reading that really helped.

That is an excellent analogy to baggage and never quite heard it put that way. I mean really, if you look at things another way, provided the person has learned from this so called baggage, that could make them more capable at handling a relationship. I know already from my past relationships, I feel more competant when it does come time to dealing with issues arise in a future partner.

Back to the career thing, this is a forefront issue for me right now I think and is mostly what is giving me this uneasy feeling. I just feel I need to get it figured out or else my focus is going to be on that and not the guy and that isn't fair to him (either that or I will get sidetracked by the guy and be left with a job I am not happy with).

You say you found your path at 25. What did you do before that? It's frustrating for me right now, if I did go back for an education degree, I still need to wait until September to even start that. At least if that is what I chose though I would be on the road to something. I guess my biggest fear is just finishing the education degree and then finding out I don't enjoy the job.

But other than teaching, I read other job posts and nothing seems to interest me. What type of job position are you in? I mean if I read higher up accounting positions it doesn't sound so bad but doing the 10-20 years of more basic accounting, I'm not sure I could handle that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 10:15pm

Hi,

Just as others bring in baggage, so do we (although we really don't like to think about it), it's just the degree that our respective baggage/'luggage' matches or clashes on the carosel (a somewhat cheezy analogy, but works for me! :)).

A potted history of my education/career.

I studied social science with a major in anthropology and then moved into postgraduate study in business with a major in Human Resources.

Because the employment market was tight at the time and I love travel, I taught English in Japan for a year. I learned I am NOT a teacher :)!!! It's while I was in Japan that I was 25 and really felt like I should be somewhere else than where I was career wise. There's career 1 over.

On my return I finally found a job as reception/admin in a HR/Industrial Relations consultancy firm, and over 4 years worked my way up (with a few lucky breaks with people leaving at critical times in projects and I could step in). During this time I finished my Masters in Business.

What really helped during the waiting period to find that job was the volunteer stuff I did. I worked in the office of a youth program, which gave me exposure to general operational management, which was valuable and I learnt I don't particularly relate well to teenagers. I also had work references from it. If it's elmentary education you're looking at, see if your local school needs some volunteer assistance such as listening to kids reading practice - with many dual income families a lot of schools no longer have that parental assistance. If police checks are available (I'm in Australia, we can pay to have a police check done and a certificate issued on our own request) have that done before you approach the school.

On the day of my 30th birthday, i got a call saying I had an interview for a pure HR Role (career 3).

Now I'm getting calls for HR Manager roles with potential to move into Business management. Career 4 on the cards, HOWEVER I don't really feel I'm ready for that step and may wait a bit before I really chase it. It's my call, my career. My family may think I'm nuts to not follow it, but I feel I need a bit more generalist experience before I jump.

Also, don't think you have to be at a certain level at a certain time. Working your way up the ladder to quickly can lead to either stagnation or rather big falls.

Thinking broader can also help - if you like the idea of education, but it's the children / teens you're not comfortable with, adult or workplace training/education could be a 'same but different' path.

Look at your strenths - those talents that are uniquely you. calmness in a crisis, the ability to convince others, a preference for working under pressure (ie - did you really prepare for assignments/essays, or do a last minute dash - which way did you produce better work), big picture vs detail focus, prefer stuff that works in cycles (eg accounts in monthly, education annual) or better on projects and things that change regularly where you can apply general concepts and so on. Once you have an idea of what your talents are you can not only look at types of careers/roles, but also industries.

Another career flow example for you, my stepmother. She started as a pure scientist working in medical diagnostics. She then moved into junior policy work, but still based in the medcial/public health field. She has now moved from policy to bio-ethics (and doing a doctorate).

Best of luck - the most liberating thing is knowing that this isn't necessarily a decision that will lock you into a single career for life, often skills you learn in one job will transfer into another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:14pm

Wow, thanks for taking the time to write all that. Your story is definitely interesting to say the least.

I agree that volunteer work may not be a bad idea in this case, plus I mean I do have some time to spare before school would even start.

I've thought about doing Human resources before as well but have never really understood what that was all about. From what others have told me it's so much just maintaining staff, hiring, firing and payroll... am I strongly mistaken in this?

One other thing I've thought about is product management but I'm not really sure how I would start to get into that. Plus I'm from a smaller city so the opportunities are not quite as great.

I guess a big thing too, my parents have always pushed so hard and felt I should be well into my career by the time I'm 25, so I really feel like I"m failing them. I'm 23 and am as lost as ever it seems. My mind just changes on a daily basis which direction I should head.

With my strengths one thing I know is that I'm a planner/organizer like no tomorrow, I love making sure everything is in order like that. But then I'm also a bit of a people person, just helping to make a difference in someone's life. I guess those are my two areas that I excell in.

Anyway, thanks again, that definitely gave me something to think about.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:30pm

This is a very uneducated guess, but something tells me that the number of men who prefer not to drink or, to have one, maybe two beers at the most and then settle in for an early evening, out numbers women with the same preferences. You aren't "odd" just because you're sensible and enjoy some structure in your life. Those are good qualities.

Good luck letting those boys in, I suffer from a form of the same. Intimacy, vulnerability ... just typing those words makes me cringe a little ; ) I can't offer much advice where that is concerned, but I'm sure there are some good books on the topic : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 11:51am

I am 25 and I taught for a yr and a half. I thought it was what I wanted to do atthe time, but it was just the stabilty. I HATED the kids and then the ton of busy work for teachers- paper work. I quit last november and have been looking for a new job ever since. I would rather live with my mom than step foot into a classroom.

MAKE SURE YOU ACTUALLY GO INTO A CLASSROOM BEFORE YOU START WORKING ON A EDUCATION DEGREE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:42pm

Thanks so much for your experience/warning post! :) That is my EXACT fear, just that I will not like the kids, the work will be crazy, that type of thing.

I actually put some more thought into my work situation and researched the whole weeked on a few different occupations. I think what I'm going to do is try and get into human resources.

One of the things I liked about teaching was that I wasn't behind a computer all day and got to interact with people -however children are not my preferance to work with, I'd rather work with young adults/adults. I think human resources would offer me this, especially if I got into training.

So now I'll take a second bachelors degree and maybe try and find a part-time position in this field, or do some volunteer work or something to get experience.

Already I just feel so much better, just a sense of direction moreseo and it gives me more confidence. I guess when I feel like I'm lost myself, I just don't feel 'worthy' so to speak of being in a relationship. Personally I wouldn't want to date a guy who was really confused about his future so I guess that is the impression I was getting of myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:03pm
Yea, I know how you feel. Since I just quit my job, I feel like someone no man would want to be with me. I mean, what man would want a woman who just quit her job? But I have to realize I am trying to get to a different place. Plus, when I had that cute, little teaching job I thought men would flock to, I had no dates.LOL. Now I have a few.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:26pm
I completely agree for you and can attest to the same sorts of things being older myself and having dated men in their mid-late 30s and those in their late 20s. I think a lot of the times the guys in their mid-30s and up and a few in their early 30's have done a lot of soul-searching and lived their lives so they are more ready to settle down and have a more mature mindset to treat women better in general. But one thing to watch out for though with guys in this age group are commitment-phobics and emotionally unavailable men(guys who will never in their lifetime settle down). But I think if we as women are careful as we can be and smart about who we select in this age bracket and when a man is showing signs of commitment phobia from his past history and things that he says then avoid him at all costs.
To the original poster: You are so young and have so much of your life ahead of you. Enjoy being single and taking care of you for now and then you can date later. People change so much in their 20s that even if they were to meet someone in their early 20s and stay with them, you both will change so much before you are even 30 and be 2 different people. Just have fun, travel, do things that you want to do and THEN a few years later since you will probably be fully emotionally ready to give to another person and give to a relationship since it takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:29pm

Going back to being in the teaching field - I am an educator and LOVE it!!! I love my kids, my school, the staff, everything. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing! Having experience with kids and going to a college that allows you to get out into the classrooms and teach (like mine did) are truly beneficial. You will find your passion and when you do, pursue it! :)

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