Not a Typical SBF...Having A Hard Time Attracting the Right Guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014
Not a Typical SBF...Having A Hard Time Attracting the Right Guys
15
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 10:52pm

I am an ambitous, college educated 29 year old SBF in NYC. I have never been in a serious long term relationship. I now believe it's because I have dated few guys that I shared interests or values with. The guys I've dated have been more interested in me physically and found my personality odd. I'm a creative person in a design career. My favorite music is blues-y rock and I love reading. Most of the guys I dated are black and expected me to live up to an personality that I am not. I did not want to make waves and date outside of my race for years, but now I do want to date other guys. I have in the recent past and there were a couple guys that I like. Often on dating sites like Match and OKC (I am aware of OKC's poll) I get attention from the same kind of black guys I've dated in the past or guys of other races who have an "urban" persuasion (i.e. baggy pants, hoodies and poor spelling skills). That doesn't fit my lifestyle at all. My entire dating life I've tried to date sophisticated black guys but they never seem interested. I grew up around a lot of white guys I had crushes on but in school they weren't interested in me. I've tried flirting when I encounter white guys (usually in a bar setting) but they seem only interested in hooking up that night and nothing more. Online I recieve little attention outside of the aforementioned guys. I've gone months online with no dates because I refuse to date weirdos and guys who clearly want to hook up. I am open to dating all races and I have through the years, but I want my dates to be college educated, ambitious and cultured. I just feel like guys aren't open to dating me. My profiles clearly state my interests and lifestyle but the "urban" persuasion guys ignore and message anyway. I don't recieve messages back from other race guys I wrote. How do I attract the guys I want? Any suggestions? Or should I just give up now and get another cat?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Many people have the same or near same problems.   It is that you must do some changes.  perhaps a different social arena where you get a better change to a target rich population.  of course males are going to want to hook up.  That goes with the territory.  Do not dismiss them out of hand.  It is up to you to cool their jets, if you so wish.   Just put in your profile no blk Guys /ghetto rats etc.  You can be as discriminating as you wish and you owe no one any thing.   Many people will ignore your wishes unless you are blunt/rude and in their faces.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Unfortunately, for some of us, dating isn't easy. I am a 51 year old man. I only had my first serious relationship at age 28 and only got married at age 44. Last week, I just went to the wedding of an Orthodox Jewish man I believe was a 52 year old virgin. Dating was definitely a big struggle for him.

Sometimes, there aren't shortcuts. You just need to hang in there, having more patience than you thought you'd need. Keep yourself looking nice and displaying a positive attitude (despite what you're thinking inside), because you never know when and where Mr. Right will appear. He will appear eventually.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

I don't have a good answer for you. All you can really do is persevere. 

I too am a design professional (hey, and I used to make jewelry, too!), but I'm 59 and white. I too want to date cultured, educated men. I think it's pretty obvious in my profile that I like more cultured things, but that doesn't stop the fat, near-illiterate rednecks from contacting me. I think some men just contact every woman on the site, seriously. So, there's nothing you can do about that. I think your photos are incredibly important, so you might want to take another look at those, even consider professional (but casual) shots. 

Being in New York would have to be a bonus in terms of interacial dating. I'm thinking people are a lot more open minded. But I know there are people who just won't date outside of their race no matter what. Don't take it personally. I have heard that New York is a tough market though for single women. I've heard and read this enough to believe it.

But there are so many cultural opportunities there. Do you go to gallery openings? Art, free wine and interesting, educated people! You could also join more culture-centric meetup groups, such as a foreign film group. You get the idea.

Unfortunately, I think you just have to accept that it's tough to meet someone you click with, and it could be a long slog. I think it's pretty tough for everyone, actually, but I can really identify with being an educated, creative woman. I think sometimes people see us as kind of weird or too different.

Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.

p.s. I'm totally jealous that you can go do things in New York.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
I like your funny last line about getting another cat! You clearly are intelligent and I'm going to get skewered by some for saying this general statement, but you aren't going to find the best and brightest online or in bars. Have you tried the site Meetup? I looked at the NYC area, and there are all kinds of groups. If you don't like groups, it's not a problem, there are always new people feeling the same. In my opinion, the best way to meet someone is when you share interests to start with. And the more people to meet like that, the better the opportunity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I can imagine that in a way it would be hard to meet someone in such a huge city even though there are probably thousands of eligible men but it's also kind of impersonal.  I agree that meeting a guy in a bar is probably not the best place to get to know someone and it's more likely you'll find guys who just want to hook up.  OLD is hit or miss for everyone.  I do think that trying to do activities that might attracted more educated people would be a good idea--poetry readings, lectures, college alumni groups, those kind of singles clubs where people do activities together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

With additional thought, I have some ideas for you. Have you ever considered dating men of Asian descent? They also suffer from negative stereotypes that hinder them in dating. Recently, I saw an Asian bridegroom and black bride walking hand-in-hand in Central Park. I thought it was wonderful. Also, how much dating experience do you have with black men born outside the USA--. from the Caribbean, Europe, or Africa? They often have a very different mindframe.

Also, I would get involved in a church, a political campaign,  professional association, and/or another ongoing group activity. There you can make friends with men, allowing them to see beyond stereotypes and allowing you to form deeper connections with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014

I agree that some guys just message everyone. There is a lot of spam out there! Interracial dating is definitely more common here especially for black women but it's still a struggle. I go to a lot of gallery openings and cultural events. There are guys there. Maybe I should do some of these things alone because guys have a difficult time talking to women in groups or even in a duo.

Thank you for the suggestions! I think the New York dating scene is harder than it ought to be. People here turn 30 (sometimes 35) before they admit to wanting kids or marriage. It's all a constant search for perfect and "the best". Very annoying. I have gone to Meetups for designers, drawing etc. They seem pretty okay. I have flirted with a couple guys with no response. I'm not great at flirting at all but I am great with conversation. I tend to end up in groups of women chatting away, which is very comfortable to me. One of the issues I have is that there are very few men who do things I like to do, or there are a lot of couples doing the activity. I joined a couple of leagues (not competive sports because I'm not a competitive person at all) in hopes of meeting a guy that were just single women and couples. I did join a singles bowling league which was fun, but at the end the few guys I had flirted with looked for someone else. I guess I should say that I never look or act like I'll put out. Not a prude but I have walls. 

I've been on dates with all sorts of guys including Asian. I am starting to see more Asian men/ Black women couples in the city. I think it is because of the stereotyping. I actually get a lot of winks from African and Caribbean guys. I have gone on a couple dates with them in the past. Many are very traditional which isn't a plus for me. I would like to date a progressive guy that sees women as intelligent and rational. This has been my experience. 

@Floridagirl12 Being creative  outside of New York is difficult. I'm from Ohio, so I get it. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Having dated enough men from different countries/races to fill the UN Security Council, I look for someone with shared interests and ambitions and rarely care about skin color.  It is great that you are meeting some men (men, not guys) at cultural events, and perhaps you should take it a step further  - either volunteer at those events or try to get on the board.  When you actually have to work with them to pull together something, they get to know you better (and vice versa) than just casual conversations or dates.  Sometimes you get to see how they react under pressure, i.e. the gala is less than 72 hours away and the caterer has just gone out of business.  When you are looking for long-term, it is good to know who can take the heat and remain calm - something to look for in a life partner ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014

I am an active volunteer and often there are no men involved or they are in relationships. Same with leagues that I have joined. Bars seem to be the only place I ever see lots of straight single men that are my age. I've dated a few Asians and Latinos. I am very open to dating, but I have found that many guys I date expect a bit of a stereotype that I am not. And that includes black guys. I'm pretty quiet, a little nerdy and laid-back and somehow I feel like that men want to date a "real" black woman. Ive had to learn to be confident in myself but it's difficult when I'm not getting acceptance back. 

I don't believe in "love at first sight". I believe love is something that develops over time. My plan has been to volunteer or join something, meet a guy, and fall in love over time. Maybe I should just keep trying. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Could it be that your self defination is in part your problem?    If you constantly  trip yourself up by putting as BLk before your values andf personality you will be defeating yourself.  As one thinks one acts!   You are a woman whos is smart and neerdy where do smart educated nerdy guys hang out in NY ?   Computers,board and video games,wall street,etc.  Now what is your end game?  A BF? a lover? what?  time to rethnk.  Are you assertive or timid?   

chaika

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