Not a Typical SBF...Having A Hard Time Attracting the Right Guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014
Not a Typical SBF...Having A Hard Time Attracting the Right Guys
15
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 10:52pm

I am an ambitous, college educated 29 year old SBF in NYC. I have never been in a serious long term relationship. I now believe it's because I have dated few guys that I shared interests or values with. The guys I've dated have been more interested in me physically and found my personality odd. I'm a creative person in a design career. My favorite music is blues-y rock and I love reading. Most of the guys I dated are black and expected me to live up to an personality that I am not. I did not want to make waves and date outside of my race for years, but now I do want to date other guys. I have in the recent past and there were a couple guys that I like. Often on dating sites like Match and OKC (I am aware of OKC's poll) I get attention from the same kind of black guys I've dated in the past or guys of other races who have an "urban" persuasion (i.e. baggy pants, hoodies and poor spelling skills). That doesn't fit my lifestyle at all. My entire dating life I've tried to date sophisticated black guys but they never seem interested. I grew up around a lot of white guys I had crushes on but in school they weren't interested in me. I've tried flirting when I encounter white guys (usually in a bar setting) but they seem only interested in hooking up that night and nothing more. Online I recieve little attention outside of the aforementioned guys. I've gone months online with no dates because I refuse to date weirdos and guys who clearly want to hook up. I am open to dating all races and I have through the years, but I want my dates to be college educated, ambitious and cultured. I just feel like guys aren't open to dating me. My profiles clearly state my interests and lifestyle but the "urban" persuasion guys ignore and message anyway. I don't recieve messages back from other race guys I wrote. How do I attract the guys I want? Any suggestions? Or should I just give up now and get another cat?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000

Dear Jewel, just what do you want out of life?  Honey, you are young, believe me having a man is not all that good all the time.  I say enjoy your single life, do whatever you want, when you want and how you want.  I was once your age and I had a man but I didn't realize that he was controlling.  So baby, if there are any red flags, run for the hills.  It only gets worse.  However, if you are dead set on finding one, have you tried college?  Do be very picky and don't settle.  There is someone for everyone, you just take your time and find him.  Remember, men are everywhere, grocery stores, clubs, everywhere.  So do you, do what you like, get involved in sports if that's you, church, whatever, he will come.  Make your list for all the qualities you want, positive things, then ask the universe for him.  Stay positive, talk positive, think positive.  Talk positive, like you already met him.  Go places, he would visit.  Remember, you can't change it.  So if clubs aren't you don't find him there.  Read  Tony Gaskins's book, Single life is not a curse.   Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Never change who you are to get what you want. It might seem like a good idea to just see if maybe it's you BUT you know what..there are billions of people on this planet..maybe more SO the chances of you meeting the person for you...it WILL happen. Just be yourself because you are who you are for a reason. Someone stated on here about being blunt about what you want on the dating sites. Do that because that is the ONLY way you will get whom you're looking for. Yeah..of course there will always be people who will still respond but you can just always delete or block them...no big deal. Be very blunt in whom you're looking for and you will find your match. Don't get another cat...one is enough :) lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I don't think you should give up--it's hard for anyone to find a partner that works out.  It's probably a little easier for people in their 20's who are more "typical."  My DD is 25 and lives in a big city but she's a pediatric nurse and definitely didnt' meet anyone at work--she did meet her BF on OLD.  But I also think that when people are in their 20's there are just so many people to choose from that it's not as hard--if you're a little older and then you add in a minority group but don't necessarily want to date members of your group, then ti just means that the numbers you have to choose from are smaller--but don't give up.  I am thinking of a couple I know from my dance group who are middle aged.  The woman is black and the man is white.  I can't remember what she does now for work but she's an Army veteran--I believe she was an officer.  She's very attractive but she's also about 6 ft. tall, so that decreases the odds too--the guy is about 6 ft 6, so they look great together as dance partners.  But I know she went out with a lot of jerks before she found him.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Could it be that your self defination is in part your problem?    If you constantly  trip yourself up by putting as BLk before your values andf personality you will be defeating yourself.  As one thinks one acts!   You are a woman whos is smart and neerdy where do smart educated nerdy guys hang out in NY ?   Computers,board and video games,wall street,etc.  Now what is your end game?  A BF? a lover? what?  time to rethnk.  Are you assertive or timid?   

dragowoman

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Could it be that your self defination is in part your problem?    If you constantly  trip yourself up by putting as BLk before your values andf personality you will be defeating yourself.  As one thinks one acts!   You are a woman whos is smart and neerdy where do smart educated nerdy guys hang out in NY ?   Computers,board and video games,wall street,etc.  Now what is your end game?  A BF? a lover? what?  time to rethnk.  Are you assertive or timid?   

dragowoman

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Could it be that your self defination is in part your problem?    If you constantly  trip yourself up by putting as BLk before your values andf personality you will be defeating yourself.  As one thinks one acts!   You are a woman whos is smart and neerdy where do smart educated nerdy guys hang out in NY ?   Computers,board and video games,wall street,etc.  Now what is your end game?  A BF? a lover? what?  time to rethnk.  Are you assertive or timid?   

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014

I am an active volunteer and often there are no men involved or they are in relationships. Same with leagues that I have joined. Bars seem to be the only place I ever see lots of straight single men that are my age. I've dated a few Asians and Latinos. I am very open to dating, but I have found that many guys I date expect a bit of a stereotype that I am not. And that includes black guys. I'm pretty quiet, a little nerdy and laid-back and somehow I feel like that men want to date a "real" black woman. Ive had to learn to be confident in myself but it's difficult when I'm not getting acceptance back. 

I don't believe in "love at first sight". I believe love is something that develops over time. My plan has been to volunteer or join something, meet a guy, and fall in love over time. Maybe I should just keep trying. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Having dated enough men from different countries/races to fill the UN Security Council, I look for someone with shared interests and ambitions and rarely care about skin color.  It is great that you are meeting some men (men, not guys) at cultural events, and perhaps you should take it a step further  - either volunteer at those events or try to get on the board.  When you actually have to work with them to pull together something, they get to know you better (and vice versa) than just casual conversations or dates.  Sometimes you get to see how they react under pressure, i.e. the gala is less than 72 hours away and the caterer has just gone out of business.  When you are looking for long-term, it is good to know who can take the heat and remain calm - something to look for in a life partner ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014

I agree that some guys just message everyone. There is a lot of spam out there! Interracial dating is definitely more common here especially for black women but it's still a struggle. I go to a lot of gallery openings and cultural events. There are guys there. Maybe I should do some of these things alone because guys have a difficult time talking to women in groups or even in a duo.

Thank you for the suggestions! I think the New York dating scene is harder than it ought to be. People here turn 30 (sometimes 35) before they admit to wanting kids or marriage. It's all a constant search for perfect and "the best". Very annoying. I have gone to Meetups for designers, drawing etc. They seem pretty okay. I have flirted with a couple guys with no response. I'm not great at flirting at all but I am great with conversation. I tend to end up in groups of women chatting away, which is very comfortable to me. One of the issues I have is that there are very few men who do things I like to do, or there are a lot of couples doing the activity. I joined a couple of leagues (not competive sports because I'm not a competitive person at all) in hopes of meeting a guy that were just single women and couples. I did join a singles bowling league which was fun, but at the end the few guys I had flirted with looked for someone else. I guess I should say that I never look or act like I'll put out. Not a prude but I have walls. 

I've been on dates with all sorts of guys including Asian. I am starting to see more Asian men/ Black women couples in the city. I think it is because of the stereotyping. I actually get a lot of winks from African and Caribbean guys. I have gone on a couple dates with them in the past. Many are very traditional which isn't a plus for me. I would like to date a progressive guy that sees women as intelligent and rational. This has been my experience. 

@Floridagirl12 Being creative  outside of New York is difficult. I'm from Ohio, so I get it. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

With additional thought, I have some ideas for you. Have you ever considered dating men of Asian descent? They also suffer from negative stereotypes that hinder them in dating. Recently, I saw an Asian bridegroom and black bride walking hand-in-hand in Central Park. I thought it was wonderful. Also, how much dating experience do you have with black men born outside the USA--. from the Caribbean, Europe, or Africa? They often have a very different mindframe.

Also, I would get involved in a church, a political campaign,  professional association, and/or another ongoing group activity. There you can make friends with men, allowing them to see beyond stereotypes and allowing you to form deeper connections with them.

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