Observation for the Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Observation for the Day
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:50am

I dont know if this happens to you guys but there are some days that I dont care if I am alone and single and then there are other days I hate it with a passion I want to die.

So now even if I want someone what is that telling the Universe? Its sort of confusing and mixed messages.. and that isnt good..

I am studying and learning and doing alot of metaphysical stuff and according to these gurus we have to be very specific in what we want and ask for it and find ways to get it..

Maybe I am just depressed and getting more cynical and tired of it all and the singles scene.. I mean for goodness sake being single at 58 and doing the scene is becoming more and more shall i use the word ridiculous.. I cant see myself even dating anymore because it doesnt even feel comfortable and there is something quite not right about it..and most people over 50 I am finding out do not really want to date nor are into it. They just want to meet and move in or take it fast because lets face it there isnt a whole lot of time left .

I just want to accept the fact that I am alone and might remain that way and feel good about it but I have that knawing feeling sometimes that it hurts to be alone too much.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 10:50am

I think most people in our age group have mixed feelings about it.  My friend, who is a widow, asked me if I wanted to get married again.  I think she does because she had a happy married so has a good viewpoint on it.  For me, 2 divorces have made me pretty wary.  I think most of the time I'm happy alone but I really would prefer to be in a relationship--I don't really see it as a contradiction.  I think if someone asked you "would you like to have a really good relationship with a man who would care about you, wouldn't cause you big problems and you'd be happy together" then I think you (and most people) would say sure, who wouldn't want that?  I think we accept being single and making the best of it because we don't want to go around moping all the time and right now we don't have a choice so we try to live our lives to be as happy as possible being single.  but yes, some days it really would be nice to have a guy.  Like my least favorite day of the year (New Year's Eve) is coming around--there are some kind of parties I could go to but going out w/o a date on NYE doesn't appeal to me (unless it was something like going to a friend's house where people don't necessarily have to be coupled up).  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:39am

Free you are not alone in your mixed messages.  There are plenty of times when I'm so happy being single I can't waste a single thought on dating or men or relationships.  Then there are times when I'm so lonely and convinced I'll die alone that I hide in my house wallowing.  Neither of those feelings are bad because what really matters is what we do with them.  With the former I get out and try to take over the world in any way I see fit.  I experience life and enjoy every minute.  With the latter I allow myself to acknowledge that I'm merely human and it is ok to feel unhappy and to not have it together 100% of the time.  Then I aim to be somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, meaning I'm happily enjoying my life as a single but open to being happily coupled with the right person.

Like you I have done my fair share of metaphysical studies and I have found quite a bit of what I learned to be extremely helpful.  The main takeaway for me was realizing that there was nothing wrong with how I chose to live my life or for wanting what I decided to want.  I do agree that we have to be very clear with the universe (and ourselves!) about what it is we really want.  However I think the mistake that most of us make is then demanding how our request should be granted.  I'll use myself as an example:

My car had been steadily falling apart for years and I lacked the immediate funds to replace it.  I've also been actively repairing my credit so getting a loan wouldn't be likely.  Sure I work, but I'm hardly wealthy and often don't get to give my savings the boost I'd like.  However despite my financial challenges I figured out a way to finance a new car so I began asking the universe to help me put that plan in action.  Nothing happened.  I was busting my tail to make this happen and it was like walking uphill with a boulder strapped to my back.  My car continued to fall apart and I continued to sink money into repairing it.  So what was I doing wrong?

Essentially I was asking the universe for a gift and then dictating how I wanted to receive that gift.  Talk about poor manners lol.  I needed to let go of the belief that I had a right to control how my new car came to me and simply accept the fact that the universe would give me exactly what I needed, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted.  This was not easy, but I continued to work at it in my meditations.

Then when I least expected it and needed it most my request was granted.  An elderly relative decided to give up driving for health and safety reasons and gave me his car.  It is older, has low mileage, well cared for, and he refused to take any sort of payment for it.  Here I was working my tail off to try to get my so called genius idea to get a new car plan off the ground and when I stopped insisting that was the only way to do it I got exactly what I needed.  Is it what I wanted?  No, but I'm darn grateful and give thanks every day.

My whole point here is that this can be done with every aspect of our lives.  Whether its acquiring a new asset, finding love, or anything else we desire.  It isn't easy, but I've been actively applying the lesson I learned with the car to other areas of my life and have been seeing some wonderful results.  So freeatlast if you want to stop dating for awhile and focusing on learning to enjoy being single then do so.  However don't think that you have to accept being single forever, because you don't.  If you want to be happily coupled then tell the universe that.  Just stop telling the universe how to make that happen for you.  Perhaps traditional dating or being on the singles scene isn't how it will happen for you and that is ok.  The universe is full of possibilities so there definitely is a way in which it will help you get what you want, even if it is a method you least expected. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:04pm
The majority of the time, I'm completely content with being single but I do have my days. I have a single best girlfriend and though she lives far away, we are very close. If I didn't have her in my life, I don't really know that I'd be so content. We kind of lean on each other for support which, I think is what most singletons do . . . they rely on friends and or family to supplement the lack of support one usually receives from a SO. I've always been this way, though. Even when in a relationship, I'd always stay in tune, in touch, and hang out with my girls. Guys come a go but if you are lucky enough to find a really good girlfriend, don't ever let her fall between the cracks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:06pm

OMG.. first off I love what you wrote Music and I so agree.

Lady;; I also love what you wrote and I agree.. It def. sounds like just letting go and letting God and the Universe supply what we need at the right time..

I am hoping like you said that when I meet someone it will be the non traditional way and that would suit me just fine..

In the meantime I go out alone which I like and its fine and with some limited friends and family and its all fine.. I will continue on my spiritual and metaphysical journey because I am enjoying it so much ....and I truly believe what you said.. Things will start opening up and find me..

thanks for the great posts ladies..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:27pm

I think you made a great point, LBW.  Whether someone puts it like asking the universe or praying to God, I don't think that we can always be assured of getting what we want.  I guess I'm semi-religious since I don't often go to church, but I do believe in God, so I do pray like I keep asking God for a new job!  I don't think people should get discouraged if they ask for something & don't receive it because then later on they might receive something else or something different that works out just fine, like happened with your car.  I also think that it puts too much pressure on ourselves if we think that we can just concentrate on praying or asking for something and if it doesn't happen, maybe it was our fault.  I read these books like The Secret and it makes you think that if you just put your thought out there, whether it should be relationships or money or whatever, that automatically some kind of miracle will occur and you'll just get what you want and I just don't think that real life is that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 4:04pm

" I read these books like The Secret and it makes you think that if you just put your thought out there, whether it should be relationships or money or whatever, that automatically some kind of miracle will occur and you'll just get what you want and I just don't think that real life is that way."

I never read that book, but it is mind over matter. I'm sure yu know what that mean, but I will give an example for those who don't. Example, if you think you'll have a bad day, you will. Only you can control how you will feel, and what comes next in your life. If you feel good about yourself, good will be attracted to you. That applies to dating too. Sometimes it is hard to remain positive whe you have had so many mishaps, you just have to change your thinking to change your happenings.

Keep that in mind.Wink

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 7:33pm
I'm pretty much always in the wanting a relationship court. Not with just anyone, but I do want one badly. I am unhappy with being single, but I'm pretty happy with my life otherwise, and I think that's important. I think the key to maintaining my need for a relationship is staying positive and trying to remember the good things about them and not the bad. I worry a lot about making a mistake and getting involved with someone who isn't right for me- and thus wasting valuable fertile time- but I'm not afraid of a good relationship and would welcome it at any time. I think if we constantly focus on what won't/can't/couldn't be, we're setting ourselves up for unhappiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 11:07am

I somewhat agree with you & somewhat don't.  I'll explain:  my exH had bipolar disorder so he was very negative about things--if I wanted to go somewhere, he would always have reasons why things wouldn't turn out well--it will be too crowded, too hot, we will have to wait too long to go to dinner, etc.  So I do think that someone can make things into a negative experience by having a defeatist attitude before they start something.  But I don't always think that being positive (which I generally am) will automatically translate into positive results.  I am open to having a relationship, I think I really have my act together emotionally, not carry a lot of baggage, yet I have been single--and really hardly any dates--for the past 4 yrs.  should I blame myself for that and just think that if I were more positive about it that some guy would automatically just fall into my lap?  I think that would be putting too much pressure on myself.  I can't speak for guys but I know a lot of really great women who don't have relationships & would like them--I don't think the answer to that is that they are just not thinking positive.

But also it depends on what your expectations are.  Example:  Last Sat. night I went to a dance at a place where I had never been before.  I was happy because I had fun with the girls I went with and 7 different guys asked me to dance--and some of them were even cute and less than 65 yrs old, so that was a bonus.  So I considered that a fun & successful night.  But if I had looked at it from the point of view that I need to meet someone or get a date out of it, I suppose it would be considered a failure--but it's possible that I could see one of those men in the future and maybe get a date--you just never know what will happen.  But things don't always happen in the time table that we want and we can't actually really control the universe just by wishing things would happen.  If that were so, then I'd be winning the Powerball jackpot tonight--I'll let you know if I do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 2:22pm
"But I don't always think that being positive (which I generally am) will automatically translate into positive results. " Truer words were never spoken. Yes, negative thoughts will pretty much guarantee a negative outcome. Positive thoughts will increase your chances of a positive outcome, but it does not guarantee it, even if you let go and let God. And I know, the idea is that God (or fate or whatever) will give you something even better, but I don't think long-term singledom is "something better."
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 3:28pm

Hey Guys;

very good observations Florida and Music.. I would tend to lean more toward what you guys are saying..

I sort of waffle between between being positive and negative.. . I think it would be too simple if a man and money and all just fell in our laps.. but I guess doing some work towards it all has to account for something.. What I am now thinking is that I do not want to do the work anymore in finding a mate like the singles scene and dating and all of that stuff.So I guess if my man doesnt come along somehow in a more simpler way then what?? He is not coming along because I did no work??

I would have to hope that a man would come along and meet me some other way like through friends or facebook or just meeting him randomly out there but not necessarily in the singles scene..