Oh, you're just jealous!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Oh, you're just jealous!
6
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 5:42pm

Why is it that people are so quick to say that you are just jealous and lonely when you speak out against them using you as a placeholder?

This is a vicious cycle. Girl meets boy. Girl is with boy for a while. Girl stops hanging with understanding friends. Girl is now with boy for over three years. Girl still cancels outings with friends to be with boy. Girl finds out that boy is cheating on her. Girl finds friends. A pity party is thrown. Girl now has time to spend with friends. Girl meets boy. Rinse and repeat.

I've been Girl and I've been on the friend side.

Why do we do this?

If we are on the friend side, and try to bring our feelings to Girl's attention, why are we automatically labeled as being jealous?

What can Girl and friends do differently to maintain a healthy balance between friendship and relationship?

With all due respect, please do not reply with 'we are human and that's what we do when we're in love'. It's so cliche. If that were the case, then why do pschiatrists and Oprah preach to us that one of the keys to having a healthy reltionship is to maintain a life outside of your relationship?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:09pm

I've never done that because I always need my friend time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 8:32am
We don't all do it. You have to maintain balance and I'll never know how women can totally eliminate their friends when they meet a guy, over and over, and not see that as a bad choice. I've never done this and I never will. I need my girlfriends... I need to talk about shoes and cramps and sports bras for hours on end and no guy should be subjected to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:25am

I haven't done that since I was, oh 14.

I personally think it's a sign of immaturity to wrap oneself up so intensely in a relationship that you neglect friendships. At the very least, it's just not healthy to be so imbalanced.

You can't force someone like this to not neglect their friends. But you can be clear of how much you'll tolerate. So what if they think "oh, you're just jealous"? That's just another sign of their immaturity.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 12:46pm

You obviously don't want to hear it, but we DO do this because we are only human and that's what we do when we're in love. But the thing you're not seeing with this "cliche" is that not everybody acts this way and there are people out there with the ability to balance their social lives and relationships. Many of my friends are able to have girls' nights out and do things like go to the gym with female friends and grab coffee, etc-while still maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship with their partners.

So the reason people do this is basically a lack of balance and awareness. But hopefully with age and insight, and honest friends that are brave enough to say something, these little problems can be easily solved. There's time for everyone to spend time with both partners and friends, it just takes some people longer to discover that. And oh, of course some people are just less social and prefer to just not maintain a large circle of friends outside of their relationships- just the way they're wired. Hope that makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 2:35pm
I agree with you 100%. Also, I meant 'most, not all women' (thanks for correcting me :) ).
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 3:25pm

Makes perfect sense and this is the exact point I was trying to make.

The majority of us act this way, in the beginning of a new relationship. That is understandable and to be expected, I think. But, like you said, maintaining your friendships; having a healthy balance. An hour for lunch, once a month, isn't an unreasonable request. I want to talk about my friend's happiness with her guy for that hour. Not hear her talk on the phone with him during lunch.

I was just bothered by this guy's answer to a blog. He was so quick to say that those types of friends were just jealous, single, or had too much time on their hands. He didn't even take the time to listen to them. I explained to him that my friends who made the complaints were in great relationships at the time or were happily single. There was nothing wrong with saying,"Hey, I miss you!"