ok, my situation.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
ok, my situation.....
6
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 8:11pm
Ok, I'll try to keep short and just to the basics. There is this guy that I work with, we work in a big store. I've worked there for two years and he was working there when I started. Over the past two years we have talked pretty sparingly. Just whenever we would run into each other, maybe a small conversation, sometimes just a passing "hello". Also, I am 31 and he is 35. I did have a small crush on him last year, but he was living with a girl from work at the time so I forgot about it went out with other people. So now we get to what's going on right now. He doesn't live with that other girl anymore, he moved out about two months ago. About six weeks ago he started spending more time talking to me in the moirning. He works overnight, so he is leaving work at 7am, and I work in the mornings, so I get to work at 7am. I'm a cashier at this store, and for the past six weeks, every morning that he is there, he comes to my register and only my register. Then he will stand there and talk to me for anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, usually until another customer comes up. Sometimes I work at the service desk, and not at a regular register. A few weeks ago he came up to me at the service desk and said to me "can I check out this stuff here, all those other cashiers are crazy". And then he stood there with me for 30 minutes talking to me. Just about two weeks ago, I was walking in the door, and he was walking out, he said "have a good day" in passing me on his way out. I assumed he had left, but 15 minutes later he comes to my register with nothing but a single yogurt, lol. Then he stayed and talked to me again. A few days before mother's day, he asked me what I was doing for mother's day(I have a 7 year old daughter) and I told him I was working 9am-6pm. On mother's day at 9:30am, I look up and who's standing in my line smiling at me? him, lol. I said to him "you're here awful late" he said "I had to get a few things", he had cat food and a picture frame. So I told him "I think I'm getting sick" and he said "not of me I hope". He also made the comment about if I was in the people's issue of people's 50 most beautiful people issue(I explained that one in the "when is a guy flirting? post #25). I've had a few girls at work comment that they think he likes me because he stands around talking to me every morning. We joked one mornig about him renting out my daughter, lol, I told him I would pay him. So last wednesday I decided to ask him if he wanted to do something together sometime. I was at the service desk and he just happened to make his way over there to look at the post cards, lol, and then we ended up talking for 30 minutes again. So then I just asked him "would you maybe want to do something together sometime or something?" he said "yeah, sure, when?" I didn't really have a "when" planned out and I was completely nervous, lol, so I just said "I don't know, whenever". So he said "oh, you mean like with your daughter?" and I said "what?" and he said "you know, rent your daughter for you? and I said "no, with me silly" and he laughed. So I said "I don't know, just like talk on the phone sometime or something" so he said "ok" and I said "ok" lol then he asked "do you have a pen?" So I grabbed a pen and wrote down my number for him and he said "well, this week isn't good for me because I'm helping my cousin remodel her apartment" so I said "ok, well, whenever". And that was basically it. It's been almost a week and he hasn't called yet, but he did say it wasn't a good week for him. And I've only seen him at work twice since then. We did talk, but not as much becuase I was busy. Every one says that if he doesn't bring it up in the next week that I should say something to him, like "hey, what about us getting together sometime, you still want to?" and then give him an actual when and where. I just don't know if he's being friendly, or if he might actually be interested. All the guys I've talked to about it say that it sounds like he likes me. Any thoughts????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 8:50pm
I think it's like this. He knows you like him...you're risking your work environment and reputation to spend time talking to him instead of doing your job. That's taking "liking someone based on your assumption of who they are" - just a hair far, but that's just my opinion.

But, he knows your entire history and situation, he knows you're not dating anybody, he knows you have a daughter that would require you getting a sitter for (if youo're smart - until someone commits to you and not before should they interact over much with her because kids don't date - they get attached and that complicates the issues) if you were to go out. And...he's not asking.

As in, he knows that you're not a 20 year old single girl making money going thru college and can get off work, and hang out on Friday night till Sunday night if she wants - becuase it's dead week and she's finished her studies.

If you're wanting to pursue this...get specific. Because all you know about him is what the rumor mill provides you with as information. You think he's not living with her, you think he's not contacting her, you think he's not dating anybody else. But none of that is information you're privy to as a fact, because it hasn't been discussed.

So, review everything objectively. He's aware you like him but he's not pursuing asking you out on a formal date. That isn't to say he wouldn't go out if you asked him - but generally when people are taking that approach they're not much interested in pursuing "relationships" and they're willing to date whoever asks and enjoy what is - without "what is" turning into "what will be", if you get the idea.

That said, someone has to ask someone out concretely or else nobody is going anywhere. If you don't mind being the one to ask him out specifically - be prepared to pay when you do (this business of 'talking on the phone' - leave that to 15 year olds with parental restrictions and no drivers licenses!) because you're going to have set the time, date and location of what he's being invited to. You might get there and find he wants to pay, or is willing to dutch it - but don't go with that in mind or else you're likely to be quite embarrassed. This man has no problemw ith a woman asking him out and pursuing him...and something tells me he likely has no problem with expecting you to pay for the dinner and the movie if you do it.

And go into this with the realization he's just out of a cohabitational relationship, he's just re-establishing his individuality, and reassessing his personal goals and values and priorities - so this isn't the ideal time to consider yourself as someone he'll meet and be ready to spend a lifetime with - he's in transition.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:08pm
I think I understand what you're saying, but you took it a lot deeper than I even have. At this point I'm basically thinking that we could get together as friends maybe, just get to know each other better outside of work. If I were to ask him out, I would be ok with paying, or going dutch, either way. Just to respond to some of the things you've said.....He does not know my entire history, he knows what I have told him. And I know a little more about him than just what I've heard in rumors, after all, we talk to each other. I know he's not living with this other girl anymore, I know where his new house is because he told me, I also know her and they barely even talk anymore. And as for my daughter goes and "cramping his weekend dating style" he is 35, not 25, and he works and goes to school, he's pretty busy himself. The only thing that you said that does concern me is the fact that he has not asked me out, which means he might not really want to. Oh, and I'm not risking my job by talking to him, at 7am the place I work at is empty and I'm a cashier at store, not a rocket scientist. I'm still trying to decide what, if anything, that I want to happen with this. Thanks for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:31pm
I wasn't trying to imply that he knew everyting about you and you nothing about him. But the reality is he does know enough about you to know that you're interested, you've made one very vague attempt to get together...and he hasn't pursued a date.

That doesn't mean he wouldn't go. But I do believe becuase neither of you are 25 and partying every weekend...that it's required to be personally self-aware and self-responsible.

If you're not looking to date - which is enjoying the person in the moment, without projecting into the future a life with them......this is very likely statistically speaking the wrong man to be pursuing. Based on the fact that he was cohabitational until a few months ago.

No matter how bad a relationship is...when it ends it's the death of the investment, hopes, dreams, and expectations that you had for yourself and your life with them. That takes time to get past...and unfortunately, lots of people don't work thru the issues personally and then decide to pursue a relationship. They work thru the issues by providing themselves with myriads of distractions and diversions (often in the form of dating/psuedo-relationships) where really their main priority is their wants and needs, and not so much that of meeting that of their partner becuase they're not projecting into the future with this person. They know perfectly well they're not prepared, ready, willing, or able to get fully emotionally invested and involved in an equality based, mutually beneficial dynamic.

So my caution to you would be not that you don't know him well enough, or that you're jeopardizing your job...my caution to you would be to realize that he might only want to date and enjoy the here and now with no desire or even willingness to consider the future becuase as an individual he hasn't realigned his values, priorities, boundaries, and goals that would enable him to choose a partner in an equality based format -and he's using distraction and diversion to avoid having to do it. I mean, he's likely using distraction and diversion by talking with you - to get himself back into circulation on the workplace rumor mill. "See, he's pursuing her"...that's what they're saying so he's "out there" and now able to be pursued by anybody in the store who finds him attractive.

That's just usually not where most 31 year old single mothers want to go...although it's where plenty have ended up - myself included a few times! So realize that nobody gets into any relationship anytime with the idea of "I'll meet her needs, live up to her standards, fulfill her expecations' - I'm sure you know that at 31. They get into dating with the idea of having thier needs, wants, expectations met..and if they're realistic, self-aware and self-accepting - they want to meet your needs, standards and expectations if they're realistic and in alignment with their own. But if those people aren't getting into dating the perception that this is a two-way street - what they're doing is pursuing gratification, ease and benefit - and that's it.

So making yourself easily accessible is not the best idea - as in to get to be with you, talk with you, and have access to you all he does is snap the fingers - and you're there. It's not the "playing hard to get" headgame. It's the reality that if someone doesn't take the time, effort, and energy to spend pursuing getting to know you vs. 'dating' in some hanging out, showing up at your register at work format.....they're not so much interested in you as a person and in equality as a dynamic...they're interested in whatever you have to offer and will give that eases or benefits them with little obligation from them whatsoever.

Making yourself vulnerable is an even worse idea - if you sink to "hanging out" - which could easily become water cooler discussion behind your back of things that never went on! So, definitely no more loose ended invitations...that could easily be misconstrued and have negative professional repercussions.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:11pm
It does sound like he's interested, but he also knows you are interested and the ball's in his court. You've got to sit back and wait now. Any additional advances might be seen as pushy. He has your number, and if he really is interested in dating you, he'll call, I promise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:04pm
Ok, well, at least he seems interested, it's a start at least. I won't ask him to do anything again, I'll just leave it up to him. If he calls, he calls, if not, then I've lost nothing. At least I tried, right? lol I'll let you know if he calls. Thanks for the advice, and the good luck, I know I need it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:50am
Unless a man is interested enough in me, and emotionally stable enough - to ask me out on a proper date - i.e. planned in advance, with effort by him - I say "next" - I am 36, not in high school - I don't have time for "signs" or analyzing them or having a group of people chime in on whether he likes me based on a list of signs - it's a waste of my time - if he likes me, and is emotionally healthy, he will take the initiative. It is only fair to add that I would not be compatible with a man who for some reason wanted me to make all the first moves - because either that would mean he's too insecure, unhealthily shy (emphasis on unhealthy, not shy) or not sure of his interest - in either case - not for me.

The ball is in his court - he has your number, and knows of your interest. I was recently in a similar situation - until he asked me out, I kept it all in the back of my mind - there were a few emails, a few phone calls - this was a man I had known for 2 years and known well for 6 months - sure I mentioned some of it to friends - but did not dwell on it and did not give it any importance in my life until he showed real interest - i.e. asked me out on a date and showed his interest before and during and after the date. Anything less - not worth my time. Is is truly worth yours??