Okay different question...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Okay different question...
23
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:57pm

Okay so if you read my OP, different question on the same subject...

What's the RIGHT thing to do?

I'm conflicted. He did want to go on this trip but because he's not so bright and didn't plan ahead he can't go. Fair enough.

As a good girlfriend, what's the right thing to do? I know what *I* want to do and to tell him "too bad, so sad." But is that the correct thing?

If this situation were reversed, how would I feel?

"Stand By Your Man" and being forgiving and being flexible keep going through my mind. But what about "Stand By Your Woman?" What about being responsible and acting like a grown up and taking other people's situations (like your girlfriend) into consideration?

He suggested my taking off a few days during this vacation time in August when we can go instead together on a drive somewhere closeby. Like one of the wineries. I don't WANT to go to a **** winery - we can do that over a weekend!

He has told me that I can be selfish at times. So what is the RIGHT thing to do? Men - please weigh in on this. I need help making a decision.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:31pm

I believe in taking care of me and my needs first. I have a great need for integrity which translates into the person does what s/he says and I can count on that.

For a mate, if something as significant as this occurred then I adjust my interactions with her accordingly. That means I stop counting on her and modify what I can do with her.

My former spouse would use as an excuse that she has too many things going on her life to remember to get back to me/give me an answer/whatever. I bet you dollars-to-donuts if she is dealing with a lawyer or a best friend then she would remember to do whatever-it-is and do it on time.

I don't believe in shaming the person or even extracting an apology. What I do "demand" of someone who does something like that which impacts my life and plans so greatly is for them to take responsibility for their part. No excuses. In some ways I view apologies are a cheap way out.

I also don't believe in torquing my schedule and my life to make up for someone else's screwup. That is ME though.

My advice is to be true to yourself (selfish label aside). Know who you are, what is important to you, what your key core values, and honor yourself first. Honoring yourself is different than being selfish.

I look forward to the result of this for what you are going through is something I can learn from.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 5:04pm

I don't really know your boyfriend, but something about this bothered me. Maybe I just have an automatic reaction to someone being inconsiderate to someone else's needs. I also read about the Aspberger's - so I don't know how much that may affect your relationship.

I guess what bothered me is your boyfriend knows you are a planner, and I am sure the trip and the dates weren't news to him. I can understand the university changing dates, but then knowing that - could he have helped decide a more appropriate trip time? Say a time in the mid-part of July?

It seems strange too that he already has his tripped to NZ planned and I wonder if that's because it is something important to him. Whereas the trip to Mexico was important to you, but not important enough to him to get together with you to choose a better date.

I just wonder if in a few years the one thing you may regret about this relationship is not taking the trip to Mexico.

Beach

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 5:27pm

>It seems strange too that he already has his tripped to NZ planned and I wonder if that's because it is something important to him. Whereas the trip to Mexico was important to you, but not important enough to him to get together with you to choose a better date.<

Yeah... I know he's careful about the NZ trip. But I am okay with that because he's from there and his elderly mother still lives there. His mother had a stroke about two years ago and she lives alone, and most of the family left NZ for greener pastures. So I'm okay with that aspect - and she's paying for his ticket anyway.

>I can understand the university changing dates, but then knowing that - could he have helped decide a more appropriate trip time? Say a time in the mid-part of July?<

Well this the other difficult part - *I* can't get this time off because I'm a student and I'm in summer school. So I've been going to classes non-stop since last December - this August is the ONLY break I've had since then. Which is why I had to plan this in advance and coordinate it with work.

At this point, though, the verdict is in - we can NOT get any money back for this trip at all if we cancel. So I'm going. He can stay at home. And he's going to give me his half of the money for the plane ticket.

I'm going to go to Cancun and see the sights and do it without him and have fun.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:33pm

Good. I hope he was gracious about it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:43pm

Yeah he was gracious about it. He was actually very encouraging about it - telling me I *should* go.

So I'm gonna!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:00am
Well good! I'm glad it's resolved. Sucks that you can't get any money back, though. :-/ Is there anyone who would want to go with you that YOU'D want to go with??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:31am

So you planned a vacation and he didn't plan to take the time off and is trying to make you feel bad about it?


This is where I would say, "Sorry, babe. I'll see you when I get back from vacation." and go have a good time. I know that sounds callous, but if he is an adult, he will learn for next time.


Asperger's or no, he should have some coping skills and some planning skills.


summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 8:14am

Hey chica,
I'm chiming in kind of late. I'm glad you decided to go to Cancun. You'll have a blast! My boyfriend and I went last Summer. In fact we've gone twice! He loves it as well. All of the excursions are wonderful and you'll have a great time. I recommend the Isla de Mujeres tour, Xcaret, is fun!(swimming with the dolphins) Chichen Itza is also great to see the pyramids. Getting around is EASY! Local buses run for I believe a dollar. I wouldn't recommend driving, just take buses and taxi cabs. I would not recommend venturing to the bars alone at night. Sure it's a touristy area but Cancun can be full of wild, drunken men and you never want to let your guard down but that's anywhere!!!

That being said, please go. I remember my boyfriend did the same thing you'rs did. He also teaches at a University and he too forgot to change his vacation schedule. We had a trip planned to Bermuda but he couldn't go. I was so heated and so hurt just like you! However, he made it up to me and we ended up going to Disney World later on. But I do regret that I didn't go to Bermuda.

You'll love Cancun! It's a great Mexican experience! You'll love it!




Edited 7/19/2007 8:20 am ET by ivil_mami25
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:55am

your boyfriend has asbergers, right?
***********

Is this true? My son suffers this . .sweet kid but a real challenge for him. And I am sure after all this time you know it requires a little explaining and patience on your end, he cant carry that load on his own.

Anyway this is what the hard times are made of. You said the university changed the start times without notice and he should have checked just to be safe. Why would he have considered a change possible, is it a common event? If he acted "somewhat reasonably" in trusting a schedule he had . . then you might be able to let some of the frustration bleed to the university and off of him. Just to approach the anger some. (-:

I say give him a choice, and be gentle. Tell him the two of you re schedule the trip together soon . . or you are going alone. Just explain to him you want the experience, not just a few days with him. Remind him he has seen different parts of the word, has those memories and experiences . . and you want that experience in your life. Let him know you would rather do it with him . . but if he cant make that happen . . .then you need to do it on your own.

I also think I would use this opportunity to hitch a ride to New Zeeland with him . . .very cool trip. (-: I worked for Fisher & Paykel for a while, they are based there . . .the auzy's are very fun. (-: I do believe they put beer in the baby bottles there. lol

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:04am

"My former spouse would use as an excuse that she has too many things going on her life to remember to get back to me/give me an answer/whatever. I bet you dollars-to-donuts if she is dealing with a lawyer or a best friend then she would remember to do whatever-it-is and do it on time."

Exactly! People do what is important to them! I absolutely believe this!