The Ones you Pushed Away

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
The Ones you Pushed Away
14
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 4:04pm

Happy Friday everyone. It's a pretty good day here. It's 70 degrees outside, the sun is shining, it's Friday, and it's payday. So a good day all around!

I was thinking about this the other day. I don't know why - I think sometimes I think too much.

I was wondering about the ones in my dating life that I have pushed away. (Not to be confused with the "ones who got away") but the ones that I made the conscience decision to push away from me, for whatever reason - I wasn't available, I didn't want to date, maybe something about that person at the TIME put me off, etc.

I know there's nothing that we can do about it now but learn from our mistakes, but still, do you ever wonder...?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 5:25pm

I don't tend to dwell on the "what if's" of past relationships very much. Mostly, I'm quite content with the decisions I've made. For whatever reason things didn't work out, they simply didn't, and I usually put a lot of thought and reasoning into ending things. But I've also never attempted to "resurrect" a relationship after it was over. That's not to say friendship isn't possible, it all just depends. I've maintained some great friendships after the fact...




Edited 4/20/2007 5:27 pm ET by happyjustme
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 5:42pm

When I say "push away" I'm thinking more along the lines of having never dated this person. This person expressed an interest in me, and I said "no" for whatever reason.

Maybe he wasn't tall enough. Maybe he had red hair. Maybe I was depressed that day. Or maybe I was, albeit questionable, previously involved.

I guess I think about these things now and again. There are a few guys who I think about from time to time. One was one I met at a place I used to work at. He pursued me. No guy had ever pursued me before. He made it a point to talk to me. He emailed me to say hello. He would drop by my desk to say hi during the day. And he wasn't obnoxious about it or stalkerish. Just very friendly, he'd always smile at me. And of course, I was seeing someone at the time even though I wasn't sure about that relationship, and I let this guy who pursued me go.

Later there was another guy, same sort of situation. Again, I was involved and I had to let this other guy go.

(On a similar note, I'd like to know where the hell all these single men are when *I'M* single and why when *I'M* single it's a desert out there in dating land??)

I don't know why I think about this stuff. I guess I wonder "IF" and did I let something really fantastic go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:09pm

I'm not sure if this one is in the "pushed away" or "got away" category, but there was this guy in college named Vaughn. We had a class together and lived in the same dorm, so used to walk home together after class. He was tall, smart, sweet, etc.

After a few months, he finally asked me out, and I totally floundered on a response. I can't remember what I said, but I remember the look on his face being sort of stricken. He didn't talk to me much after I essentially turned him down.

It's been a million years, and I only knew the guy for about a semester, but I have been thinking about that moment a lot lately. From what I remember of him, he pretty much fits what I'd be looking for today. I totally kick myself for not accepting that date.

I have lots of those stories -- moments when I completely froze, or said no when I should have said yes. I wonder about those sometimes -- maybe I truly did miss my chance.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:25pm

Wow, what a coincidence! I am actually going to a party tonight and "one I pushed away" will be there. He is a great guy, but the timing was all off. We did have two nice dates, but I wasn't over my exboyfriend. My heart just wasn't in dating, and I felt so conflicted. Finally, before our third date, I told him the truth about how I was feeling and he said he understood. But, we do have friends in common, and have stayed in touch somewhat over the past two years. I found out from someone else last fall that he was dating someone, and it appears serious although he does not discuss it in our casual emails.

And he is the only person I really wonder what might have happened.... until his latest girlfriend, I actually thought we might try again.

Good topic - I don't post often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 9:05pm
I'm guilty of that and although I like to think "what was meant to be was meant to be," I know I pushed away two guys who if I stayed with either one I'd be married by now, not single at 31 after wasting my time with losers and commitment-phobes.
One was this nice guy in high school, a friend of an ex, who totally loved me and was a great fit but I turned him away over silly stuff, ie, he was a little overweight and inexperienced. i bet now he's really hot and successful and is married to someone who appreciates him.
the second was a boyfriend in college who was a few years older and more mature and was really distraught after i dumped him to pursue an idiot.
serves me right, huh.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:13pm

I think about "those" guys a lot. Just like you, I don't wonder about the ones I actually dated, although I do wonder about some of them, too.

When I was 19, I was cruising around the local mall which, was the thing to do for fun in our little town. I say little, on any given weekend night, there were about 25-50 cars parked in the very back lot. It was a gathering place for teens. Anyhoo, I met six men who were in the military and were stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY(myself residing in Nashville, TN).

They had just gotten back from the Gulf War and were the same age as myself. Even though their base was stationed an hour and a half away, we managed to stay in touch and see each other quite frequently.

They were all from different parts of the country and each was an individual in his own right. All of them also happened to be GREAT people. A couple of them showed interest. You know how it usually goes when you're 19. One of their friends comes up to you and says, "Psst, guess who . . ." I blew them off. I was young, immature, felt the world was my oyster and figured I'd be foolish to get myself tied down.

Of course, five years later they were each released from active duty and made their way back to their prospective homes. I was sad but I had the rest of my twenties to look forward to; I was single, out on my own, and partying it up.

I guess I started getting really curious about their whereabouts approximately seven years ago. Well, a month ago, I put a couple of names into the search field on Myspace. I found one of them and he in turn has kept in touch with most of the original six. One is engaged, and the rest of them are married. Two of them even have their own brood!

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't secretly hoping that one or two of them would still be single . . . if any flames were still smoldering and if so, where that could possibly lead. Nope. My loss : )

Single vs Non Single, the horrible timing, perplexity, and laws of attraction; I don't know what to tell you other than, if there is a higher power, they MUST have a sense of humor!

Is there someone who you are thinking about trying to find or are you just pontificating for the hell of it? I didn't mean to get all nostalgic on you. I just thought it was ironic because I had just looked these guys up less than a month ago!

--Yes, I often wonder, "What if?" : )

P.S. I think I include so much info on my posts because I enjoy people's stories myself so, if you have some you're just dying to let out(ie the ones you pushed away), I'd love the read!!! Also note, I haven't read the rest of this thread so if you have already done so, kindly disregard : )

Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:32pm
That's pretty much all of them--well, except one. But we were both scatterbrained. Not a good thing. Yeah. The reason why they are my ex-boyfriends is because I pushed them away. And the reason why I pushed them away was because they were bad for me. But now I am going to be choosy. A guy's going have to try to get to me. But I can guarantee that the man who wins my heart will not be pushed away like the men before. But if he never comes along? ...Oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:58pm

>Single vs Non Single, the horrible timing, perplexity, and laws of attraction; I don't know what to tell you other than, if there is a higher power, they MUST have a sense of humor!<

Ah, you follow my train of thought here. I have always been absolutely and without a doubt convinced that there IS a higher power - and that this is ALL a gigantic cosmic joke on Michelle. And He/She is up somewhere laughing their real end off at me.

:)

Actually I haven't been thinking of one person in particular. Well - maybe one. I'm in a relationship right now, but it's - well, I don't know. I'm not always certain of it. I posted something recently - my BF has Asberger's and he tends to say really hurtful things sometimes. He doesn't mean to do it but, well, like I said in that post - it doesn't matter because it still hurts. And our history - well long story but it's not how I envisoned my long-term relationship would have begun. Not exactly romantic stuff.

And a few months ago I had a profile on Myspace. Not for any other reason but I thought it would be fun. That really was it - I knew a few people who had profiles up and I thought I'd put one up too. And I had a guy contact me. We hit it off ( as much as you can online), and I even talked to him over the phone a few times. We got to the point of making plans to meet and at that point I called it off. I told him I couldn't go any further because I was involved and it wasn't right - I had already gone too far. He said he understood and that was that. And I haven't spoken to him since then.

And I am old enough to know the pitfalls of searching for the greener grass on the other side of the fence too. And most of the time I'm happy. Really - I am. But there are times when, like Jack Nicholson said in the movie of the same title, I wonder if this really is as good as it gets.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 12:12am

"And I am old enough to know the pitfalls of searching for the greener grass on the other side of the fence too. And most of the time I'm happy. Really - I am. But there are times when, like Jack Nicholson said in the movie of the same title, I wonder if this really is as good as it gets."

I'm a total cheese ball! I all but teared up reading that last paragraph.

See, I'm a romance girl. I want it and if it isn't there, I'm not stickin' around. However, I have heard that for some, romance is something that can be cultivated. For them, it isn't the presuppose for a successful relationship.

It was really strong of you to break off the date with the myspace guy. You indicated that you are happy. Happy is good : ) I mean, I'm sure some relationships that don't necessarily start off with bells and whistles, evolve into something reminiscent of romance, perhaps, even better?

I don't mean to make light of your guy's affliction, but I've dated A LOT, most of those men were pretty good at saying hurtful things to me and to my knowledge, they did not have Asberger's. You must have a lot of patience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 7:57pm

>I don't mean to make light of your guy's affliction, but I've dated A LOT, most of those men were pretty good at saying hurtful things to me and to my knowledge, they did not have Asberger's. You must have a lot of patience.<

Patience? Is that the right word for it? :)

I know he means well. Believe me when I say I know the difference between abuse and rudeness and then Asperger's. My ex 10 years ago was the classic mental and emotional abuser - and he knew DARN well what he was saying. Ohhhh - he knew. (Of course I didn't know it then, but I soon learned and I left him).

Anyway, lately I have been asking myself why I seem to attract these guys to me. Or rather a better way of putting it is: why am *I* attracted to these sorts of guys? What am *I* putting out there that attracts this sort of energy? Why when I have a good guy I seem to push him away from me?

Is it like that old quote I heard by, I believe, Groucho Marx: "I would never want to belong to any club that would have me as a member?" :)

Oh, and cfk - I didn't mean to make you tear up with that paragraph. Actually I had wayyyyyy too much wine when I wrote that. I'm surprised it's even readable!! LOL

Pages