Only one type for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Only one type for me?
3
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:26pm

First off let me begin with saying I have never heard of ivillage until today and have never used message boards before...so forgive me if i totally suck at this.

Anyways... A friend finally got me to do this once she and I began talking about my past relationships. In high school I only really dated one guy. I was and still am very mature for my age and most kids my age in high school werent really my type. He was supposedly going to get a grip on his life, join the Navy and come back after my Senior year. Well needless to say he cheated on me a few weeks before he left for basic training and we broke up on Valentines Day.

After that I continued high school single. Not really by choice nor was I really looking. I was content with the way my life was at that time. After high school however I found myself always going out with the same type of guys. I would either find out that they had children they refused to take care of*, jobs they hopped to and from(if they even had one) and only on of them actually owned a car. Never I had I seen so many men going nowhere in their lives. *Dont get me wrong there nothing wrong if a man has kids, just take care and dont deny them*

I finally found a man who was similar to the others by his past but swore that he was now on the right road. We dated for a while and where even engaged. He suddenly became abusive and angry all of the time. I figured I needed to get out while I still had the chance. And I think that was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Since then I have been in sort of a slump so to say with men. I can not find one to date. I have "talked" to guys and gone out a few times and they have all actually become my best friends and I wouldnt trade them for anything in the world!!! I love my guys but even they can see I would be happier if I could find a man who is ready for a relationship. I am only 20 about to be 21, so I am not looking for Mr. Forever. But it would be nice to have someone who loved me and I dont have to support all of the time.

All the other guys I have been in relationships with need a mother. All of the good ones have only become my friends. What is wrong with this picture? I think I need some words of wisdom of what I am doing wrong.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 6:32pm

I think that you really need to slow down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:32pm

I agree with Shy about raising your standards. If a new guy comes along who seems to have the negative qualities you mentioned - regardless of how much he promises he's "trying to change" - steer clear. You know that type is wrong for you. Wait for a man who shows through his actions that he is a stand-up guy, and don't settle for less than that.

It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling good about someone needing us. The guys who need mothers, as you say, are often very good at manipulating someone into thinking they are being loved - when often they are just being used.

I don't believe in having a checklist for the "perfect guy," (i.e. he must be rich and perfect looking) but it can be useful to identify your "must haves" in a guy. For example, he must: be honest, care about his family, be employed/responsible, treat you well (non-abusive), affectionate, able to do his own laundry, etc. :)

It's just as important to identify your deal-breakers: abusive, deadbeat dad, criminal record, anger issues, etc.

I have actually written a physical list of my 10 must haves and 10 dealbreakers. When I'm out dating, I keep them in mind. It really helps you weed out the losers and keep looking for someone better.

Good luck. You have LOTS of time. There's no need to rush, and it is so worth waiting for that something better.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 4:49pm
bump................