Opinions on this situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2014
Opinions on this situation
13
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 10:30am

I met a guy on an online dating site. We seemed to get on as we texted alot and also met up a few times. However I have found that ever since he got a new job I didn't hear from him as much. So I assumed it was to do with being busy with work. Even though I'm not interested in him as a possible partner, I did find we did get on and we do have a laugh but what bugs me is he can be quite disrespectful and critical towards me sometimes with passive aggressive put downs. This put me off being interested in him as this gave me negative vibes. The thing is he used to text me alot, almost everyday about random things and I have to admit I did enjoy the attention because I don't have many friends.

Earlier this month I got a text from him just asking how my day was. Now we both have flickr accounts and follow each other and I got an email saying he'd uploaded new photos. At the time I didn't have a proper look at all of his photostream as I had other things to do and the first 5 came up in the email as kind of landscape pics. It wasn't until mid june when I replied by text saying 'nice waterfall pics by the way'. His reply was, ' You'll notice there's a girl in those pics, I've been seeing her not long before we last met up, sorry I didn't tell you earlier.' 

It looks like it's serious between them two as he took pics of her in a nice place and put them up on flickr. I know this sounds jealous of me but he obviously likes her more than me and he also texted 'I didn't want you to think I was jerking you around' To be honest I think he did. I felt upset about this maybe because I'm easily jealous as I don't really have many friends and I've been going through a bad patch, with struggling to find work and I guess it does sting a bit that I struggle to do things and he managed to find work and a girlfriend in a short period of time and I'm still single. Also, the way he went about telling me bugs me as it's like he put those photos up on flickr to tell me that, 'This is why you don't hear from me much.' Am I being unreasonable? I mean if you meet someone online, they are allowed to see other people. Maybe it's because I felt when we met up those few times, I didn't feel he liked me much and what baffles me is, what does this other girl see in him since he can have quite a prickly character?

Well, I am probably confused but overall, what do you think of the fact that he took pictures of her and put them up on flickr?? do you think it's quite a lousy, low way of doing things and is he trying to make me feel jealous or he just likes those photos and just wanted to show me?

Should I just get a grip and move on?? I really want to tell him how I feel but I won't meet up with him until next week sometime and the long wait has bothered me. Any advice? I don't want to fall out with him as he did say to me we're still good friends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:00am

Since you started off by saying that you don't want him as a partner because he makes critical statements to you, that seems to contradict what you are saying later that you are jealous of him finding a new girl.  I do agree that it would have been better for him to tell you directly that he started seeing another woman but I think in the OLD world people aren't that upfront about what they are doing.  So now I think you have to consider what you want from him--are you capable of being friends with him and not being jealous that he is seeing someone else?  Could you be present with him and the girl and be ok with that?  if so, then meet up with him.  If you don't want just a friendship, then you can just delete him from your life completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:02am
It sounds to me like he did you a huge favor! He sounds like a complete jerk. You said he is "critical towards me sometimes with passive aggressive put downs". Then he starts to pull away from you once he got a girlfriend. Then, instead being a man and telling you that he had a girlfriend, then gives you access of pictures of her and tells you after the fact. My thoughts are that he wanted you both on the hook until he chose who he wanted to be with. I'm assuming you made it clear that you were not interested in him in a romantic way, so he chose her. Good riddance!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:42am

You're not in the right state of mind to date anyone right now. If you're willing to give the time of day to communicate with a prickly person who puts you down, then you are coming from a place of desperation and low self esteem. Work on thinking of yourself in a more positive light by reading self help books from the library. A good way to make friends is to join meetups.com groups in activities you enjoy. Be happy alone and make a fulfilling life for yourself before seeking out a man to share your joy with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 2:03pm

duplicate

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 2:53pm

Move on. What does he really add to your life? You had already decided that he would be no more than a friend, but he wasn't even a very nice friend if he is critical and disrespectful. Based on his behavior all along I wouldn't expect him to suddenly become sensitive and kind when it came to telling you that he was dating somebody else. He might have been "telling" you about the new girl via the flickr photos, that would be just another passive-aggressive action which would be par for the course; or maybe he put her photo there for all of his friends and family to see---but it doesn't really matter because you two were just friends.

I think you were both just "time passers" for each other. Just as you were hanging out with him because there was nobody better at the moment, he was probably doing the same with you. You seem to be wanting him to be more than he really is.

I don't think there's much point to telling him how you feel. He said that you're "still good friends" but you need to figure out if he is the sort of person you want to be friends with, regardless of whether he has a gf. Think about why you are allowing somebody new to treat you like that?---its not like you're trying to salvage a long term friendship or make allowances for somebody who has supported you during hard times. Since you seem to be having a rough time right now its not going to help if you are around people who make you feel worse. IMO you should get him out of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 6:10am

'......what do you think of the fact that he took pictures of her and put them up on flickr?? do you think it's quite a lousy, low way of doing things and is he trying to make me feel jealous or he just likes those photos and just wanted to show me?'

You talk as though he is somehow part of your life and owes you something. He is not, and he doesn't. He can do just about whatever he wants - you are a stranger off the net to him. Why does it matter anyway if you don't fancy him or what him for a potential bf?

'Should I just get a grip and move on??' - absolutely. There's not much to move on FROM, to be honest. Mild and mostly internet flirtation with someone you're not really into?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 6:36pm
I think sometimes we give people more credit than they deserve because we want to see the best in them. This guy obviously wasn't making you a priority. If you didn't want to date him, he probably picked up on that and responded accordingly. Let him go. There's no reason to keep a person in your life who doesn't treat you right. Put downs are never productive.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 7:59pm

You guys follow each other on flickr and you got an automatic email that he'd posted something new, is what I think I read.  I don't think he posted the pics to make you jealous or to make you feel badly.  I don't know what to think about the snide comments, because you didn't go into a lot of detail, but in the end, if the guy was making you feel badly or even attempting to - who needs him? Even as a friend?  That's just my opinion.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 11:17am

Wiat..you're STILL going to meet up with this piece of grabage that didn't even give you the respect you deserved to tell you that he's been seeing someone and it's getting serious?!! I mean you guys weren't dating BUT to me it sounds like you guys were at least friends.He should have been able to tell you that if you were friends...but he didn't.I feel that he was jerking you around.He shouldn't have felt uncomfortable about telling you since you knew he didn't like you like that..it sounded like more friendship per say....watch he will make up som excuse and not meet up with you...I bet.

You should just move on from this person and find another friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2014
Tue, 07-01-2014 - 9:40am
Hi, thanks for your comments. To be honest, I'm probably over reacting to this as when I found out about the other girl I was about to have my period so I usually feel really low and awful when that happens, embarrassing to admit but true! I know I'm not interested in him but I still would like to keep in touch with him despite what others say, I mean we do have some things in common. Yeah I could be present with him and the other girl. I'd be interested to know what the hell she sees in him lol.

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