other perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
other perspective
14
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 8:35am

Just start some communication on an OLD site that is about to end but wanted to get some ideas on it from a woman's perspective.

BLUF: Been on an OLD site for a little while but recently made conact with a lady whose profile had caught my attention a few times. Anyway she responded almost immediately ( prob has mobile app for the site) and we exchanged almost 10msgs in a space of 2 days.  What bothered me, and has caused me to lose interest, is the fact that she has not asked a single question of me. All the messages have been responses to my general interest questions and thats it. The responses were generally friendly but closed. Now i have always understood that as polite disinterest. I do it myself in real life. If i am involved in a coversation with someone that is in essence a passer by, we can talk but i naturally don't really ask any questions because i have no interest in knowing this person beyond the current small talk. So i get the same vibe from these responses. But the fact that they are always very quick, usually within minutes, throws some small doubt into that.

Now i know 2 days & 5 replies is a really short time, but i have always been very keen on the connection or lack thereof. The only reason i made contact, was because there was something abt her profile that spoke to me and now even as i was ready to ask her out this weekend, i just feel that connection is going... i get the feeling she is either politely disinterested, or a little self centered. (by connection i mean that thing that draws you to or away from people... not talking about any serious stuff in case anybody reads it that way)

In most normal situations, i would stick to my routine, and just stop talking to a person i have no connection to, but having been on this board for a while and see the pain us guys cause by just dropping off the communication, i figured i would get a 2nd opinion.

Be honest but please be Gentle :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 11:35am

I think your assessment of polite disinterest is correct.  I too have recently hopped onto a dating site to give it another go.  I'll admit there were guys that contacted me that I have absolutely zero interest in and I'll admit I simply deleted their messages without any response.  Sure I could have politely responded, but then I would have just answered their questions as blandly as possible and tried my hardest not to offer any new information or ask questions.  What is the point in that?  Some people don't take rejection well so I thought it easier to just not reply at all.

Now there were a few guys who's profiles I found and initiated a conversation.  In some of those cases the responses to me were brief and just answered my question without offering new information or asking me any questions.  They're just not that into me.  That's ok.  Why they bothered to respond, who knows.  The problem with this polite disinterest response is *some* people misinterpret them as interest.  I think that's why I deleted messages from guys I wasn't interested in.  So with these guys I just stopped responding after awhile and then I didn't hear from them again.  They weren't that interested and I didn't force them to keep being polite.  Problem solved.

There is also the very slim possibility that communicating online is awkward for her and she's nervous and just doesn't know what to say.  I'm guessing you're interested in her and would be open to continuing to get to know her if she starts showing more interest in you?  If so then suss her out.  10 emails in 2 days?  That's enough communication to justify moving offline.  Reply to her latest message with something like "hey I'm enjoying our emails, but how about we actually talk on the phone and see how that goes?" then leave your number for her to call you.  If she calls and an actual conversation goes better then great.  If she never calls, polite disinterest is confirmed.  It's important to note that calling is important here because you're trying to determine if she has any real interest in you.  If you move from emailing to texting you'll give her more opportunity to stick with the same communication style that is going nowhere.  If you're not interested in her then you have 2 options.  You can just stop responding to her (and yes I realize that may not be popular opinion, but I think it is acceptable in this case) or you can give a final reply saying something like "hey I've decided to focus my attention on getting to know someone else that I seem to have a lot in common with.  good luck with your search." and then don't respond to any future messages she sends. 

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 12:28pm
I take it as polite disinterest also. I will add, though, that instead of suggesting she call you that you could suggest you meet. I used to prefer talking on the phone first, but now I find it awkward if I don't know the person, I'd rather just meet. If you decide not to pursue this any further, I see nothing wrong with just never writing again. Happens all the time. There's no need IMO to get "closure." I've done OLD for quite a while, and my skin is about the thickness of a rhino's at this point, so I take all of these things in stride and just chalk it up to the online dating world. You could also just not send any more emails and see if she writes to you. In addition to offering your phone number to her, you could also/instead ask for her number. Some women really hate calling a man. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose at this point.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:29pm

  Master Chief I suggest having a meet.  There are people who cannot communicate in texts or email.  But in person that is changed.  May I also suggest video/cam communications as it many times will reveal a lot about that person.  With this caveat nothing beats in person!

dragowoman

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:43pm

Honestly, if I were a guy and were in your shoes, I'd just ask her if she's interested in meeting up for a drink.  It could be that she's disinterested but she may also be fielding a lot of emails from other potential suitors.  She may not realize how her replies are being interpreted.  I know from personal experience, when I came to a point where I realized that there was no interest on my part, I'd either let the guy I was corresponding with know, or I'd just fade off into oblivion. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 9:42am
Some people just stink at any form of conversation and only know how to talk about themselves and otherwise have a general disinterest in the people around them. In your position that would be my biggest concern about her.
 
Even though you asked for women's ideas, I'm a guy and as an example, I remember especially one woman I went out with for an afternoon. I had known her a little bit and thought she was great - attractive and interesting but did notice some self absorbed tendencies. But as soon as we got into the car, I discovered too late that she never stopped talking. It was amazing, barely a breath and all about herself. I got a few words in before she related it back to herself. It was aggravating and that was the end of that.
 
For the online thing, your job as a guy is to move things forward if you're into her at all, the heavy analysis just stalls things for another online guy or guys to swoop in. Just say that you've enjoyed the emails and it seems like you both relate well, how about if you talk on the phone or meet for coffee? You find a lot out about a person in real time conversation.
 
Female friends tell me they get a lot of responses online and get used to way too many guys wanting to be either pen pals or pervs, so until you step up to the plate, she may not be taking you seriously.
 
If she still gabs only about herself on the phone or coffee without showing much interest in your life, there's your answer - best to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:40pm

jt308 wrote:
<div>Some people just stink at any form of conversation and only know how to talk about themselves and otherwise have a general disinterest in the people around them. In your position that would be my biggest concern about her.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>Even though you asked for women's ideas, I'm a guy and as an example, I remember especially one woman I went out with for an afternoon. I had known her a little bit and thought she was great - attractive and interesting but did notice some self absorbed tendencies. But as soon as we got into the car, I discovered too late that she never stopped talking. It was amazing, barely a breath and all about herself. I got a few words in before she related it back to herself. It was aggravating and that was the end of that.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>For the online thing, your job as a guy is to move things forward if you're into her at all, the heavy analysis just stalls things for another online guy or guys to swoop in. Just say that you've enjoyed the emails and it seems like you both relate well, how about if you talk on the phone or meet for coffee? You find a lot out about a person in real time conversation.</div><div> </div><div>Female friends tell me they get a lot of responses online and get used to way too many guys wanting to be either pen pals or pervs, so until you step up to the plate, she may not be taking you seriously.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>If she still gabs only about herself on the phone or coffee without showing much interest in your life, there's your answer - best to move on.</div><div></div>

Interesting insight jt.  I actually just went on a date like this and beforehand I was thinking ok maybe he's just awkward over the phone because he did usually talk about himself.  Our whole date was either us talking about him or talking about general topics.  There were several times I dropped in tidbits of info about myself that another person could easily latch onto and probe for more info.  He never did that.  Whether he's intentionally self absorbed or not doesn't matter, it's still better for me to just move on. 

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 8:32am
I too have gone out with guys that couldn't stop talking about themselves and never asked me a single question. It's so incredibly boring, plus it just mystifies me. Doesn't he want to know more about me? At the end of one of these lunch dates the guy said something like, "Well I think we hit it off pretty well" and I couldn't help myself and said something like, "Hmmm, I'm not too sure." Not graceful I know, but he never called again. I don't understand why people don't learn conversational skills from the business world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 12:16pm

floridagirl52 wrote:
I too have gone out with guys that couldn't stop talking about themselves and never asked me a single question. It's so incredibly boring, plus it just mystifies me. Doesn't he want to know more about me? At the end of one of these lunch dates the guy said something like, "Well I think we hit it off pretty well" and I couldn't help myself and said something like, "Hmmm, I'm not too sure." Not graceful I know, but he never called again. I don't understand why people don't learn conversational skills from the business world.

Lol the guy I was talking about called me the next day to say what a great time he had and how he was very interested in seeing me again.  Seriously?  I guess it makes sense that he had a fantastic time considering the whole date revolved around him.  Like you I opted to be a bit direct and just said "It was fun, like hanging out with any of my other friends however there's nothing beyond that."  I wonder how it is they haven't learned any communication skills either.  Even if one isn't in the business world there are plenty of other places to learn them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 11:53am

Spartan117-

Hi. I have a different take from the others here. Women who aren't interested with a guy online just don't bother at all. You wouldn't hear from her or you'd stop hearing from her. Communicating out of polite disinterest doesn't occur in this medium.

IMO, she either doesn't know how to communicate well in this setting or has a busy life---long hours at work, a number of other online suitors, etc. As another poster said, if her photo and profile seem great, just ask her to meet for a beverage.

Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 3:06pm
I was going to say something similar to trenner, but my post wouldn't take and I forgot to try later. She doesn't seem interested or disinterested. She seems indifferent at this point, which is why actually meeting would be a good idea. It might help her decide.

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