other perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
other perspective
14
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 8:35am

Just start some communication on an OLD site that is about to end but wanted to get some ideas on it from a woman's perspective.

BLUF: Been on an OLD site for a little while but recently made conact with a lady whose profile had caught my attention a few times. Anyway she responded almost immediately ( prob has mobile app for the site) and we exchanged almost 10msgs in a space of 2 days.  What bothered me, and has caused me to lose interest, is the fact that she has not asked a single question of me. All the messages have been responses to my general interest questions and thats it. The responses were generally friendly but closed. Now i have always understood that as polite disinterest. I do it myself in real life. If i am involved in a coversation with someone that is in essence a passer by, we can talk but i naturally don't really ask any questions because i have no interest in knowing this person beyond the current small talk. So i get the same vibe from these responses. But the fact that they are always very quick, usually within minutes, throws some small doubt into that.

Now i know 2 days & 5 replies is a really short time, but i have always been very keen on the connection or lack thereof. The only reason i made contact, was because there was something abt her profile that spoke to me and now even as i was ready to ask her out this weekend, i just feel that connection is going... i get the feeling she is either politely disinterested, or a little self centered. (by connection i mean that thing that draws you to or away from people... not talking about any serious stuff in case anybody reads it that way)

In most normal situations, i would stick to my routine, and just stop talking to a person i have no connection to, but having been on this board for a while and see the pain us guys cause by just dropping off the communication, i figured i would get a 2nd opinion.

Be honest but please be Gentle :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 9:28pm
Thanks. Kinda stepped back from the site a little. But i'll get back to it again sometime
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 1:19pm
I'm sorry it didn't work out Spartan. OLD is hard for everyone, but I think you did the right thing by being proactive and trying to move things forward. She wasn't right for you and now you can focus on someone who is. Soooo.....any other ladies spark your interest on the site?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:45pm

Thanks guys for the ideas. I did ask her out and got no response. that answered my question loud & clear. still developing that tough OLD skin mentioned earlier, so the actual rejection stung just a little bit but we live & learn...on to the next one :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 8:01pm

With only skimming through the replies and with what you wrote I would say that she didn't lose interest and may be playing the dating game.Go ahead and ask her out and keep in contact with her, she may have met someone else and you may have a bit of competition.

If you like her that much give it another shot!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 3:06pm
I was going to say something similar to trenner, but my post wouldn't take and I forgot to try later. She doesn't seem interested or disinterested. She seems indifferent at this point, which is why actually meeting would be a good idea. It might help her decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 11:53am

Spartan117-

Hi. I have a different take from the others here. Women who aren't interested with a guy online just don't bother at all. You wouldn't hear from her or you'd stop hearing from her. Communicating out of polite disinterest doesn't occur in this medium.

IMO, she either doesn't know how to communicate well in this setting or has a busy life---long hours at work, a number of other online suitors, etc. As another poster said, if her photo and profile seem great, just ask her to meet for a beverage.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 12:16pm

floridagirl52 wrote:
I too have gone out with guys that couldn't stop talking about themselves and never asked me a single question. It's so incredibly boring, plus it just mystifies me. Doesn't he want to know more about me? At the end of one of these lunch dates the guy said something like, "Well I think we hit it off pretty well" and I couldn't help myself and said something like, "Hmmm, I'm not too sure." Not graceful I know, but he never called again. I don't understand why people don't learn conversational skills from the business world.

Lol the guy I was talking about called me the next day to say what a great time he had and how he was very interested in seeing me again.  Seriously?  I guess it makes sense that he had a fantastic time considering the whole date revolved around him.  Like you I opted to be a bit direct and just said "It was fun, like hanging out with any of my other friends however there's nothing beyond that."  I wonder how it is they haven't learned any communication skills either.  Even if one isn't in the business world there are plenty of other places to learn them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 8:32am
I too have gone out with guys that couldn't stop talking about themselves and never asked me a single question. It's so incredibly boring, plus it just mystifies me. Doesn't he want to know more about me? At the end of one of these lunch dates the guy said something like, "Well I think we hit it off pretty well" and I couldn't help myself and said something like, "Hmmm, I'm not too sure." Not graceful I know, but he never called again. I don't understand why people don't learn conversational skills from the business world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:40pm

jt308 wrote:
<div>Some people just stink at any form of conversation and only know how to talk about themselves and otherwise have a general disinterest in the people around them. In your position that would be my biggest concern about her.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>Even though you asked for women's ideas, I'm a guy and as an example, I remember especially one woman I went out with for an afternoon. I had known her a little bit and thought she was great - attractive and interesting but did notice some self absorbed tendencies. But as soon as we got into the car, I discovered too late that she never stopped talking. It was amazing, barely a breath and all about herself. I got a few words in before she related it back to herself. It was aggravating and that was the end of that.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>For the online thing, your job as a guy is to move things forward if you're into her at all, the heavy analysis just stalls things for another online guy or guys to swoop in. Just say that you've enjoyed the emails and it seems like you both relate well, how about if you talk on the phone or meet for coffee? You find a lot out about a person in real time conversation.</div><div> </div><div>Female friends tell me they get a lot of responses online and get used to way too many guys wanting to be either pen pals or pervs, so until you step up to the plate, she may not be taking you seriously.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>If she still gabs only about herself on the phone or coffee without showing much interest in your life, there's your answer - best to move on.</div><div></div>

Interesting insight jt.  I actually just went on a date like this and beforehand I was thinking ok maybe he's just awkward over the phone because he did usually talk about himself.  Our whole date was either us talking about him or talking about general topics.  There were several times I dropped in tidbits of info about myself that another person could easily latch onto and probe for more info.  He never did that.  Whether he's intentionally self absorbed or not doesn't matter, it's still better for me to just move on. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 9:42am
Some people just stink at any form of conversation and only know how to talk about themselves and otherwise have a general disinterest in the people around them. In your position that would be my biggest concern about her.
 
Even though you asked for women's ideas, I'm a guy and as an example, I remember especially one woman I went out with for an afternoon. I had known her a little bit and thought she was great - attractive and interesting but did notice some self absorbed tendencies. But as soon as we got into the car, I discovered too late that she never stopped talking. It was amazing, barely a breath and all about herself. I got a few words in before she related it back to herself. It was aggravating and that was the end of that.
 
For the online thing, your job as a guy is to move things forward if you're into her at all, the heavy analysis just stalls things for another online guy or guys to swoop in. Just say that you've enjoyed the emails and it seems like you both relate well, how about if you talk on the phone or meet for coffee? You find a lot out about a person in real time conversation.
 
Female friends tell me they get a lot of responses online and get used to way too many guys wanting to be either pen pals or pervs, so until you step up to the plate, she may not be taking you seriously.
 
If she still gabs only about herself on the phone or coffee without showing much interest in your life, there's your answer - best to move on.

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