other perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
other perspective
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 8:35am

Just start some communication on an OLD site that is about to end but wanted to get some ideas on it from a woman's perspective.

BLUF: Been on an OLD site for a little while but recently made conact with a lady whose profile had caught my attention a few times. Anyway she responded almost immediately ( prob has mobile app for the site) and we exchanged almost 10msgs in a space of 2 days.  What bothered me, and has caused me to lose interest, is the fact that she has not asked a single question of me. All the messages have been responses to my general interest questions and thats it. The responses were generally friendly but closed. Now i have always understood that as polite disinterest. I do it myself in real life. If i am involved in a coversation with someone that is in essence a passer by, we can talk but i naturally don't really ask any questions because i have no interest in knowing this person beyond the current small talk. So i get the same vibe from these responses. But the fact that they are always very quick, usually within minutes, throws some small doubt into that.

Now i know 2 days & 5 replies is a really short time, but i have always been very keen on the connection or lack thereof. The only reason i made contact, was because there was something abt her profile that spoke to me and now even as i was ready to ask her out this weekend, i just feel that connection is going... i get the feeling she is either politely disinterested, or a little self centered. (by connection i mean that thing that draws you to or away from people... not talking about any serious stuff in case anybody reads it that way)

In most normal situations, i would stick to my routine, and just stop talking to a person i have no connection to, but having been on this board for a while and see the pain us guys cause by just dropping off the communication, i figured i would get a 2nd opinion.

Be honest but please be Gentle :-)


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:43pm

Honestly, if I were a guy and were in your shoes, I'd just ask her if she's interested in meeting up for a drink.  It could be that she's disinterested but she may also be fielding a lot of emails from other potential suitors.  She may not realize how her replies are being interpreted.  I know from personal experience, when I came to a point where I realized that there was no interest on my part, I'd either let the guy I was corresponding with know, or I'd just fade off into oblivion. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:29pm

  Master Chief I suggest having a meet.  There are people who cannot communicate in texts or email.  But in person that is changed.  May I also suggest video/cam communications as it many times will reveal a lot about that person.  With this caveat nothing beats in person!


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 12:28pm
I take it as polite disinterest also. I will add, though, that instead of suggesting she call you that you could suggest you meet. I used to prefer talking on the phone first, but now I find it awkward if I don't know the person, I'd rather just meet. If you decide not to pursue this any further, I see nothing wrong with just never writing again. Happens all the time. There's no need IMO to get "closure." I've done OLD for quite a while, and my skin is about the thickness of a rhino's at this point, so I take all of these things in stride and just chalk it up to the online dating world. You could also just not send any more emails and see if she writes to you. In addition to offering your phone number to her, you could also/instead ask for her number. Some women really hate calling a man. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 11:35am

I think your assessment of polite disinterest is correct.  I too have recently hopped onto a dating site to give it another go.  I'll admit there were guys that contacted me that I have absolutely zero interest in and I'll admit I simply deleted their messages without any response.  Sure I could have politely responded, but then I would have just answered their questions as blandly as possible and tried my hardest not to offer any new information or ask questions.  What is the point in that?  Some people don't take rejection well so I thought it easier to just not reply at all.

Now there were a few guys who's profiles I found and initiated a conversation.  In some of those cases the responses to me were brief and just answered my question without offering new information or asking me any questions.  They're just not that into me.  That's ok.  Why they bothered to respond, who knows.  The problem with this polite disinterest response is *some* people misinterpret them as interest.  I think that's why I deleted messages from guys I wasn't interested in.  So with these guys I just stopped responding after awhile and then I didn't hear from them again.  They weren't that interested and I didn't force them to keep being polite.  Problem solved.

There is also the very slim possibility that communicating online is awkward for her and she's nervous and just doesn't know what to say.  I'm guessing you're interested in her and would be open to continuing to get to know her if she starts showing more interest in you?  If so then suss her out.  10 emails in 2 days?  That's enough communication to justify moving offline.  Reply to her latest message with something like "hey I'm enjoying our emails, but how about we actually talk on the phone and see how that goes?" then leave your number for her to call you.  If she calls and an actual conversation goes better then great.  If she never calls, polite disinterest is confirmed.  It's important to note that calling is important here because you're trying to determine if she has any real interest in you.  If you move from emailing to texting you'll give her more opportunity to stick with the same communication style that is going nowhere.  If you're not interested in her then you have 2 options.  You can just stop responding to her (and yes I realize that may not be popular opinion, but I think it is acceptable in this case) or you can give a final reply saying something like "hey I've decided to focus my attention on getting to know someone else that I seem to have a lot in common with.  good luck with your search." and then don't respond to any future messages she sends. 

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