on the other side of the frienship thing

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Registered: 09-27-2004
on the other side of the frienship thing
11
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:12pm
My really good girlfriend is starting to get upset and I think silently resenting me because I met someone new and have been seeing this person for a month now and it's starting to get into relationship mode (I know it's soon but things just progressed that way so far). She thinks I'm going to ditch her for this guy and it really hurts to hear her say this. I think she wants everything to be exactly the same as it was between us as far as time spent and number of phone calls a day. We were virtually inseparable for a year and a half. I understand her fears and concerns and have tried my best to make it known that i'm still here for her no matter what and I care for her greatly and will never ditch her. I cant' promise that I"ll be able to spend "as much" time with her as I have before but I can certainly guarantee that i"ll make an all out effort to hang out with her as many times as I can and I make an effort to talk to her on the phone every single day. She just doesn't think what I'm doing is good enough now and I'm stressing because I'm trying my best really and I can only do so much and spread myself so thin. Now I'm on the other side but I dont' feel as if I've been ditching her or doing anything to make her feel like she is less important in my life. Any thoughts or comments on this. I have tried to ask her what she wants from me etc etc but I think she is still hurting over this and she gets uncomfortable talking about it. I feel as if I can't really bring too much up about this new man because she probably doesnt' want to hear it.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:49pm

It sounds like you're being very good about keeping in touch and continuing to be a friend to her. It also sounds like she has her own issues which are causing her to overreact to her fears of losing your friendship.

I would share with her (if you haven't already) that you're doing your best, that you understand her fears and want to try to find a happy medium, and that it hurts you to not feel like you can share your happiness about your new relationship with her. If she has a problem "hearing" that and being happy for you despite her fears, then that's her issue, IMO.

Sheri

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:15pm
I agree with you Sheri on this. I guess I believe that this is a very delicate situation. In fact I'm very shocked/suprised that she is reacting this way because she of all people prides herself on being independent and ok with being single. I think honestly though she has major insecurities deep down that she doesn't allow to surface because I've seen her put up with a ton of BS from this man for awhile. She was always telling me that I was the insecure one when in fact I think her insecurities are greater than mine but I just was able to talk about them easier and I wear my heart on my sleeve more. I think what happens when you hold things in too long and don't admit your faults you end up blowing up and dealing with things in an unhealthy way. She was crying on the phone to me the other night and sounded super upset and very needy because I didn't answer a phone call of hers while I was out to dinner but I did return her call. These kinds of things have shocked me beyond belief about her. I do want to tell her that she may need to get some help and maybe need to talk to someone but she would never want to hear that. I've tried to tell her these things before and she turns it around on me like i"m the only one that needed counseling and meetings. I admitted to my needs and I dealt with them but she will never admit to her needs and her wrong-doings. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Talking to her honestly about all these things will probably make her so angry that the friendship will suffer greatly if not end I think. But I think it would do her some good to talk to someone about her issues.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:11pm

Well, FWIW, I would keep the focus off her getting counseling (even though I'm sure she could benefit as we all could) and keep the focus on the specifics of how your friendship is being affected by the situation at hand.

It's a tough situation. I hope it works out and she realizes you are still there for her.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:36pm

Maybe she needs to know that you aren't replacing time with her with time with other couples.

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:12am
I don't want to make couple friends to replace her not at all. My new boyfriend has a couple friend that likes to hang out but I need to set boundaries in both respects, with her and with him so that I can have the both of them in my life. I already have a good group of friends and don't want to lose these single friends that I already have because of new couple friends, that's not my intention. I'm one of those people that will include and invite everyone because I want all my friends to have fun and get together and because I have been single for quite some time I know firsthand how it is to feel like you are left out. I would invite her to do things too with my new guy and his friends of course but I dont' know if she wuold feel comfortable with that. I think this is just going to be an adjustment on both of our parts and my new guy will also have to understand that I need my girl time too.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 7:26pm

Have you told her that?

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:24pm
I have told her this. I've told her that I care about her and would never abandon her and will always be her friend and even if things might change a little bit we will still have time only for us and time to hang out in groups, etc etc. I told her we could try to work out something and plan things more now so that there are no hard feelings. She's still having a hard time with this. She says she's having feelings of abandonment. I can understand because we have been inseparable really since we met. She said she needed a break from the friendship today to adjust and so that we don't blow up with each other because she's been saying things to hurt me because she's hurting and that she had no idea this would affect her this way. I told her to take her time and to call me when she feels like she wants to talk and that I'm still her friend and there for her. It's all I can do. I hope that she does decide to come back with a fresh/open mind to this and that we can discuss things and compromise with each other. Sigh, it makes me really sad for her to be going through this. I tend to empathize too much with others but at least she knows that i can understand her pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 7:59pm

well it's good that you realize now, early on, that you don't want things to really change with your friend. i think that is the problem in a lot of cases, the girls who start dating/get engaged/get married don't even realize what they're doing until it's too late.

i also think it's really good that you talk with her on the phone all the time, i'm lucky to hear from my best friend once a week now that she's married. like someone else suggested are you sure she wouldn't be comfortable hanging out with you and your guy? she might prefer that instead of seeing you less. but it does sound like you're being considerate about the issue which is huge! i think she'll slowly become more accepting of the change as long as it's not completely drastic...not sure if this helped i feel as though i've just rambled..

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:49am

I'm starting to wonder if the problem doesn't stem from you and your boyfriend, but the fact that you and your friend were inseparable- joined at the hip- beforehand.

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:09pm
I think you might have a point there. We didn't actually hang out all the time, since both of us (espcially me) would have quite a bit to do during the weekdays. The most we would hang out was about 2 or 3 times a week and this would be usually on the weekends, but we would talk on the phone quite often. Maybe a few times a day. This talking on the phone often was probably not a healthy thing to do. I think she was starting to rely on that quite a bit. I never had a problem with the amount of time we spent together even if I only got to see her once or less than once a week because I was always the understanding one and even when she couldn't call me back for awhile, I was fine with it and understood. She seemed to have more of a problem when I couldn't spend as much time hanging out because she would make comments, they were lighthearted/joking comments but she did say things. I have a few other close friends who I could talk to when she wasn't around and I don't think she did. She had friends but not really close friends who she could confide in except for her roommate. I have to admit both of us are on the needy side of things. I always admitted this though that I am still a little codependent and I try to catch myself when I'm getting too engrossed with one person but she puts up a front that she's very independent and not needy, but I can tell deep down inside she's even more needy than I am. She appears to be so independent and she can fool anyone who she's not good friends with that she's a super strong/independent woman. But I see the neediness. Maybe this break and cutting back on seeing each other or talking to each other all the time will be good for us, especially for her, because you are right we need to get to a more healthy level of time spent or time talking to each other. She needs to realize that she can't count on me all the time. I can try to be there when I can but I can't split myself in 2.

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