Our Heart; Vulnerability and Singledom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Our Heart; Vulnerability and Singledom
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 11:28am

Hey Guys;

Today I was thinking that for us who want relationships do you think that our hearts are open enough for it and that we are vulnerable enough for someone to come in?
I know that I am a pretty independent woman and at times dont want to give up which I think is my heart and my vulnerable side.

Do you think that no matter who comes into our life whether it be OLD or IRL or guy friends or whatever it kind of propels us into letting our guard down and makes us softer..and ready for the real thing? These are just tests to get us to the place we need to go in a good solid relationship?? like when Florida


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 2:41pm

I'm unclear what you are asking here (probably post-lunch fog).

I'm not sure that the men who come into our lives necessarily harden our hearts or soften our hearts. I think we learn from every relationship, and that should help with all future relationships--but not always. But I think the real "work" is internal--we have to "heal" ourselves. I don't think another person can really do that for you, although I know Harville Hendrix says we heal by meeting our Imago match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 5:11pm

oh; I think I read and have experienced that all people come into our lives for a reason and that shapes us for future relationships. Like we learn from each one and take whatever we learned from that experience.

What you said makes sense and of course healing ourselves but I am wondering if I should be open to all types of relationships and know they are teaching me something. Like with my two guy friends I am wondering are they teaching me something? I have a pen pal who we just talk or write. Is he teaching me something?? Or my ex husband whom i speak with here and there. Is he teaching me something??Is this all just making my heart more open to let real love in with a real man one day??

Does that make more sense?? (sorry)

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 11:54pm
I think everything in life happens for a reason, good or bad, and that includes the people we meet.

As far as vulnerability goes, that's a tough thing for someone who has had her heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly. After the first few times, you learn to put some walls up. Some people make it easier than others, but for the most part it's hard to trust anyone with our true selves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 7:04am

I think we can learn something from everyone we meet, be it good or bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 6:00pm

Yes; I can relate to getting my heart stomped on more times than I can count and keeping guard up to a certain extent is probably okay..but not sure if this tells the Universe we are not open for a real sincere type relationship and that whatever comes our way for now is what we should take even if its just in the form of a friend or fwb or talking to someone in another country as a pen pal.

Maybe when we are done with this the Universe will

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 6:22pm
I definitely think one has to be vulnerable in order to fall completely in love and also to be loved in return. The big question for me is, when? Am I vulnerable first or do I wait for some sort of sign from him that he's feeling all weak in the knees? Show your feelings too soon and they'll think you're a weirdo, wait too long and they think you have a cast iron heart. It's tricky!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 8:53pm

oh; yes very tricky.

I think for me since I am a bleeding heart I tend to open it for the wrong people.. I am going to be very aware of this from now on and only open heart when truly someone appears worthy of my love..if it ever happens (lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 2:23am

Great questions, Free. Kinda reminds me of that quote about "dance like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 8:55am
I have wondered about that too. Especially as younger, my girl friends were always hit on while being out, whereas I was not. Except by men twice my age who were not at all interesting, what did they think!? However, it made me wonder if I was sending out signals that I was not interested, or what? I am a really independent woman and have always been, although wanting a boyfriend. I am not going to lose that independence and I am also not sure if I can let go of getting my daily solitude.... I am enjoying my own company and would probably go mad if I could not be alone at least an hour every day. Of course, sometimes one has to show vulnerability to actually get close to another person. I am an emotional person in many ways, but I might be difficult to get close to when it comes to wanting to be more than a friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 1:03pm

After years and years, I finally got hit over the head with the cluebat and figured out what I was doing wrong: I was thinking with my head when I should have been thinking with my heart. I was constantly being made to feel that everyone else was operating according to some book of unwritten rules... and of course I was always breaking every rule in that book. Dating is one aspect of life in which thinking outside the box is NOT appreciated by others.

But nowadays I'm seeing a paradigm shift... more and more singles are getting frustrated and starting to date with their heads instead of their hearts. They don't necessarily like it, but nowadays doing a date like it's a job interview is no longer the stupid idea that it was only a couple of years ago.

I think a lot of us played the old games because the rules were being made by pick-up artists and to hell with everyone else. Now we see that the emperor has no clothes and we're writing our own rules.