Overcoming past pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Overcoming past pain
1
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:40pm

So my ex-fiance' and I broke up last May, when I found drugs in his wallet. Of course he denied that they were his. But that's another story. I've spent the past few months talking to him on and off, but pretty much just staying away. However, I've also found comfort in talking to his ex, who is now one of my closest friends. Turns out she went through much more pain than I went through. Its actually amazing that both of us are still alive. A re-occuring conversation we have, is just how frequently he cheated on her, and probably me as well. How can I get over the anger and the hurt feelings of having loved someone so unconditionally, and received nothing in return? I'm so confused, I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm afraid to love. What will help resolve these feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 6:34pm

Two things just from my initial read...

1- Do not have any contact with him at all. I honestly think that's one of the best ways to get past someone. It's better to not know what's going on in his life, because it will help you stop focusing on it. Focus on yourself, not him.

2- The ex gf probably was a good outlet at first, but the more you two continue to talk, the more you will rehash those painful memories and feelings. I think the goal is to grieve the loss, feel the feelings and then get past them. Constantly rehashing them might lead to wallowing, which might prevent you from moving on at a healthy pace.

For me, it's always helped to take the focus off the guy and put the focus back on my life. Do things you enjoy that don't remind you of him. Hang with friends who don't remind you of him.

I also believe that a good counselor or therapist can really help you get through that grieving process and managing those feelings.

AJ, enjoying life with C.