A "player" or not a "player"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
A "player" or not a "player"?
14
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:22pm

Ugh...I love men, but they drive me insane sometimes.

I got out of a pretty bad LTR a few months back and I decided to do something out of the ordinary (for me, anyway) and I signed up on an online site. Needless to say, I wasn't really impressed with most of the guys there, but I did start emailing this one guy I was attracted to and we went out on Saturday night.

The date was fantastic - there was a ton of chemistry, there was some amazing eye contact, we joked, he would find excuses to touch me (in a gentlemanly way, of course) and we both had a lot of fun. We spent a little over 6 hours together and when the date ended, he seemed a bit nervous when he asked me if I would like to go out again (I said "yes") and he gave me a hug. However, we kept talking and he got the nerve up to kiss me on the lips and that progressed to making out a bit. It was a really nice date and I genuinely was hoping to see him again.

Maybe I did a dumb thing, but I sent him a **very** short and sweet email last night telling him that I had a good time. (That was it - no chit chat.) As a friend of mine said, "If he's into you, he'll appreciate the email and if he's a player it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway." I was a bit skeptical of sending the email because it could be construed as desperation, but the general consensus of my friends was that it would be fine.

While I'm not worried that he hasn't responded to my email yet, I am a bit concerned because I can see that he has logged onto that dating site frequently since our date. And, yes, I fully realize that one date does not mean that we have anything, but I wonder if I am dealing with a "player" here. If a guy is really into you and has every intention of taking you out again, why would he still be searching around an online dating site? Is the general message here that; "he's just not that into you"?

Grrrr - I'm an attractive, successful, rational and stable woman, but this situation makes me feel totally out of control.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 4:11pm

Ugh!! I totally, totally feel you. I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month and htings have been great and I just heard a rumor that he might be a playa. I'm pissed but he really does not seem that way (though you can't tell these days). He also may be seeing other girls, which is allowed at this stage of the game but like I said on my post (How to deal with jeaousy) I guess i should just continue to date other guys and see where it goes.

I sent him an email this morning to see how he felt since he was feeling sick yesterday and I haven't gotten a response yet. I will call him later, only because he called and was very attentive when I was sick but I have those insecure feelings of will that seem desparate.

You did good. You showed interest and initiative. He may be just busy today, but I'm sure you will hear back from him. Hope I do too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 4:29pm

Personally, I think you're overreacting. You had ONE date. Just because it was one really good date doesn't mean he's obligated to stop dating other women or even just looking at their profiles.

On the flip side - how would you know if he's been logged into that site unless you were also logged on to it? Maybe he's seen that you've logged on just as frequently and figured you're a player.

Maybe he has grass is greener syndrome - a lot of OLD people do - both men and women.

Also, keep in mind, it seems that men are more easily able to casually date several people at once. Women seem to prefer to focus on one prospect at a time.

Chill out - if he calls, great, go out again and enjoy getting to know him. If he doesn't, that's par for the course in OLD.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:56pm

There are a few other reasons he might have logged on:

- to see if you did
- to re-read your profile and get to know more about you that way (I usually do that after a first OLD meet to refresh myself on what the person wants, etc.)
- for an ego boost to see if anyone else wrote to him

Don't obsess. If he likes you, he'll e-mail or call. If not, at least you got one really nice date out of the deal.

Breathe. Relax. It will all be ok. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:28pm

Do not worry about it at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:35pm

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I know, I really need to chill out, relax and just see what happens. :-) When I'm thinking rationally, I *know* all of these things and I would be giving similar advice. Seriously, thank you all.

Just a few points of clarification;

1. I actually hid my profile last week so no one can see it but me. As a result, he cannot see when (or if) I have logged in and he cannot read my profile. I was getting messages from a *lot* of weird guys and I just couldn't deal with the volume, so I decided last Monday to abandon the profile.

2. Although I am hidden, he is not and I can still see when he was last on. Initially, I was just a little curious to see if he had been on, then I started thinking; WTF? :-)

Regardless of what he does (or does not do), I know I'll be okay. :-) Rationally, I know that the guy must have a problem, girlfriend or something else if he asks me out and doesn't really intend to take me out again.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:44pm

Just curious- what site are you on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:56pm
I'm on Match. I just looked at the site and what it says is that I'm currently the only one who can view my profile.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:33pm

Seriously??? You're expecting him to be exclusive with you after just ONE DATE???

Why would YOU want to be exclusive with a guy you barely know, anyway? I met a guy this weekend who wanted to be exclusive after just 2 dates, and I'm like "slow down, cowboy!!!"

Date him, date others for a good long while before you commit to exclusivity...that doesn't make either of you a "player", it makes you a smart dater!

Sheri




Edited 5/9/2006 9:34 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:58pm

LOL - you are absolutely right.

Honestly, I feel foolish for even posting about it initially. But, the replies here have really helped to snap me out of my mental fog and enabled me to get some perspective. :-)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:29pm

Remember, Sheri- not everyone is comfortable with dating more than one person at a time.

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