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| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 4:33am |
Hi everyone,
I am a 21 year old college student with a slightly complicated problem. I’d really appreciate ANY advice.
A few weeks ago, I met an absolutely great looking guy (I’ll call him TJ) briefly at a party. Not only is TJ physically flawless, but he is a student at a very prestigious, elite university, comes from a wealthy background and is incredibly charming. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet up again.
This past weekend, TJ invited me to a party he was hosting. I attended and had a nice time socializing. TJ is very charming and seems to have a huge number of friends. When I eventually had to leave, TJ kept saying he wished I did not have to leave. He put his arms around me as we were saying goodbye. Then, he kissed me for a minute and told me he’d take me to dinner later in the week.
Two hours after I got home from the party, I received text messages from TJ. The first said “I wish you didn’t have to leave. I want you here.” I responded and said I would come another time. I got another text saying “I wish you were here with me.” Then a third saying “Come back.”
I figured TJ had gotten drunk, so I ignored the last message and went to sleep. The next morning, I received a text saying, “wow, I just read my messages and I am very embarrassed. It was late and I drank too much.” I texted back, telling TJ not to worry about it.
That night, I received a phone call from TJ. He asked how my day was and stated again how embarrassed he was. I was very nice and forgave him. He said he would like to meet up again soon to get dinner and we chatted for a few minutes.
Today, TJ contacted me again. This time, it was via Instant Message (we are college students, so this is common). He once again asked how my day was. We talked for a bit, then he asked if I would “be interested in coming over to watch a movie later in the week.”
Suddenly, I have become very skeptical. I may be greatly overthinking this, but TJ was asking me to watch a movie in his room later in the week(no mention of dinner). After the kiss, the drunken texts, and the invitation to his room to watch a movie, I can’t help but feel he is only interested in me sexually and that I am being used.
I am quite confused by all of this because, although I am a very pretty and smart girl, TJ is gorgeous and incredibly intelligent. He could easily have any woman he could possibly want- and he appears to know MANY women. Why is he making such an effort to see me? Why would someone so attractive make such an effort to see a girl he has just met? Am I reading this all wrong?
Please advise! I am getting rather frustrated by the situation and am not quite sure how to handle it. I do not want to get hurt.
-Vanessa

I don't think you are over thinking this. I think you are right on. It seems clear to me that he is interested in sex with you and has only alluded to a real date--dinner--to make you think he wants to date you. It reminds me of when I was in college and a guy would invite you to his room to smoke a joint. Yeah, right.
Take it slow with this guy. He's probably saying all of these same things to all of these other girls that he knows.
And it's perfectly OK to say you don't feel comfortable just coming to his room to watch a movie. I've said it before, I'll say it again: make him jump for your love.
It sounds like you have some pretty good instincts for a girl who's only 21.
Vanessa, I am sure that you are a pretty girl but just from reading your post, I could also tell that you are quite intelligent and I am impressed by the fact that you left this party knowing that you could have had this TJ had you wanted him. These are two more reasons, in addition to your beauty, why TJ is interested. A lot of men enjoy the hunt and the chase involved with pursuing a woman. A woman who can actually say no to these sorts of men can be particularly challenging which, of course, makes them even more alluring.
Just be careful with him. It could go so many different ways depending on this guy's character. Some men, and I am not implying that TJ is a player, who participate in "the game" get bored once they have conquered, some fall in love, some get bored if it seems a girl will never give in. Again, it all depends on the guy.
Edited 4/25/2007 3:39 am ET by redonculous
Just wanted to clarify something...I am not in any way insinuating that I think any woman should use a man for dinners and stuff, like another poster suggested. When a man is interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman, it is polite for him to take her to dinner or somewhere on an actual "date." A man who does not try to "court" her is likely just interested in sex (or just clueless/inexperienced). It's not about withholding sex; it's about not just jumping right to sex if you're interested in more (if you're fine with the thought that a guy could be just interested in sex, then, by all means, have sex with him if it suits your fancy). In other words, it's one way to determine if a guy is just after "one thing" or not. Not always - some men who just want sex will take a woman out to dinner and stuff. But the ones who take the SUPER easy way out by inviting a woman over to watch a movie, without at least giving her the option to go somewhere and have a real date (and it doesn't have to be dinner - it can be a walk in the park, or something else that's "free").
As a woman who is interested in relationships, I like a man to take me out to dinner, but I will only accept a man's invitation to dinner if I am honestly interested in him (or if I think the possibility might exist that that romantic connection could be felt - sometimes you have to go out once or twice to see if that chemistry exists). I am not and have never been the type of girl who will go out with a man I'm completely uninterested in just to get free dinners and such. Yes, I have gone out with men I was "unsure" of my interest level in, but I never, ever led them on to believe that they would "get" something for it, and as soon as I would realize my interest was not there, I would not accept another date.
Just for the record, I never "withheld sex" from my current boyfriend. I had sex with him on the first date (even though that's not necessarily a good idea). It wasn't the first night we met (we'd hung out a few times before that, casually, at the bar we both went dancing at, and talked on the phone), but it was our first official "date." We went to a movie, which he paid for, including refreshments, and then went for drinks and some light dinner afterwards, which he also paid for. I had a pretty good idea that he was truly interested in me and not just in the sex (and four months later, it turned out "okay" that I had sex so soon).
Anyway...sorry for the tangent...I just hoped to clarify the difference between "withholding sex" and getting "free dinners" and gauging a guy's interest level by seeing if he's truly interested in setting up a real date.