Playing Hard to Get-Does It Really Work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Playing Hard to Get-Does It Really Work?
12
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:48pm

Ok, so a friend has just confided in me that she thinks I am too nice to most guys I date and not "hard to get" enough. She is also good friends with a guy I dated last summer who I guess felt I wasn't enough of a challenge and lost interest in me. She goes by the rule of making the men work to get you and believes that her long-term relationship is proof that it works.

Here's my dilemna:
1) the majority of the guys Ive dated have been pretty passive. I usually have to make the first call to get the date and usually initiate the 2nd date, first kiss etc. in many instances I noticed that when I stopped initiating, I didn't hear back from them and it died off. 8 out of 10, if I don't ask the guys out, I get no dates.

2) I am not a girl that gets pursued much at all. Some say men are intimidated by me. Whatever the excuse may be, it doen't happen often so when it does, I'd rather embrace it than run from it.

3) When I really like a guy, its hard for me to hold back. I want to tell him how I feel, spend time with him, get to know him , be supportive etc. It's just not in my nature to act aloof, disinterested or purposely blow him off or a be a b*tch just to get him to chase me. I hate playing games and like things as simple as possible.

4) they few times I have tried to play hard to get, they guys gave up and I never heard back from them again. It just seems increasingly hard to keep a guys interest longer than a month these days. Anytime I've played hard to get, I ended up sitting home alone waiting for the phone to ring (it didn't)

That being said, I don't jump into bed with just anybody (seriously, I don't even get those kind of advances), I stay busy with personal interests and grad school and though I stay in touch, I don't feel like I smother or am clingy at all in dating.

But people keep telling me I need to play hard to get.

Any thoughts? Have people actually found that this works better or is it just more stupid game playing? And I wanna hear from some men on this too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:25pm

I don't believe in playing any sort of game. The thing is, if you put your energy into "playing hard to get" and going against your true nature, you may be missing out on that particular guy who's going to love you for the fact that you are upfront about who you are and like to communicate your feelings to him. Also, advice like "play hard to get", even if it worked (which I don't believe it does) only gets you in the door ... what do you do when you're in the relationship and you've gotten there based on "playing hard to get" and that's not who you really are?


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:03pm

I've never played hard to get and I've had a number of LTRs including a marriage (together for 10 years). I really don't think me not playing hard to get is why those relationships ended ;-).

But I don't like dating passive guys either. All of the men I've been serious with have made their interest VERY clear and have had no problems initiating dates, calls, etc.

I've always had a pretty full life though, so am not always available. I might not PLAY hard to get but sometimes I *am* hard to get, because I've got a lot going on in my life. I'm not sure to what degree you "don't hold back" (your item 3) but if you are showing a higher than appropriate level of interest given the newness of a new relationship, that could be an issue. Of course, if that's how you are, then with a guy who's right for you, you could go way beyond what many people would consider appropriate and he wouldn't mind at all. But you increase the number of people who might be right for you if you practice moderation and balance. Does that make any sense?

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:21pm

I can relate to your first three points, except I won't initiate first or second dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:37pm

I forgot to mention that I really don't like dealing with passive guys either. If the guy is not initiating anything, and you feel you're initiating everything (after giving him a chance to do so), that's not a good sign. I'm dealing with a somewhat passive guy myself right now (we are not dating, because I doubt he will ever let it get to that point!) and it's quite frustrating.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:14am
Exactly! I feel the same way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:16am
Yes, that makes sense. But I don't think I do anything beyond appropriate. Basically, if I'm interested, I'll ask the guy out and if I had a good time, I'll contact him and let him know. Once I've made it clear that I am interested, I sit back and see how much interest they have ie. I wait to see if they will initiate things further.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:17am
I consider myself one of the 'hotter' girls and it hasn't worked for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:22am

I totally agree with what carriebgirl said in her firt post, very wise advice. CL214, to me you sound like a very sweet individual, and I don't know why you would want to change that. You know what kind of guy you want and you know what kind of person you are, why change?

When the guy you want truly comes along, do you want to send him mixed messages?
Who likes to play games in a relationship? Be true to who you are and what you want, because that is extremely attractive. I wish there were more adies like yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:28am

Oh believe me, I have no plans on changing. I am a very open and giving person and i refuse to play game or manipulate things to get a guy to take a superficial interest. It isn't me.

So if that means I will be single a lot longer, well, I've got tons more hobbies and pursuits and I'll keep going til I've done them all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:47am
Well, that's good. It is tough finding that one individual, I'm in the same boat. I'm from Ohio and it seems like more and more ladies are trying to emulate male behavior around here and it is very frustrating. It looks like there is no easy answer, but to be patient and learn to enjoy what we have. Not to be nosey, but what are you looking for? How old are you?

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