Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Please help
3
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 12:08am

I'm at a loss, not sure what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I've been dating a guy for four months now. We talk almost everyday, see each other once or twice a week. He calls me, I don't call him. That's another story, but basically my defense mechanism, since I'm afraid of getting hurt. Anyhow, I talked to him about how I felt a couple months ago. He said that he wanted to see where things went and that he had feelings for me. BUT, he also said that he liked that things were casual, without expectations and drama. His last girlfriend needed to be with him all the time, gave him crap about everything. He said he likes to call and hang out because he wants to, not because he's expected to.

It's been a couple months now. He's going through many changes right now, job and family concerns. I know I'm the only woman he calls and hangs out with, although he talks to many other women, friends and his ex girlfriend. I don't know his intentions, everyone tells me to just trust his actions and believe he's interested. I'm feeling very insecure about it all. Why does he want it to be casual? If he really was into me, wouldn't he want to be with me in a relationship? Do I bring it up and talk to him about where we stand, even though he's going through so much.

I'm afraid to continue with things, without knowing where we stand. I'm falling in love and it's so scary to not know how he feels, if he's pursuing others, etc. Any advice? The thought of " a talk" scares me as well.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lakerfan0202
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 10:45am

Did he say what "expectations" he is avoiding?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: lakerfan0202
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:59pm

Love is scary but putting yourself out there is a big part of it I suppose. I guess if one walks around with a impenetrable shield around themselves all of the time, they would never get to experience the real thing.

I think as far as this talk goes, if you want a serious relationship then that's what you deserve. I think when to have the talk differs among folks, comfort levels, wants/needs, etc. If you are ready, I'd go for it. This is how I see it, if I was dating a guy, was at a point where I was ready for things to progress and he was persistent about not wanting to be in a serious relationship then I would move on. Why waste time? Just me.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
In reply to: lakerfan0202
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:39pm
He's probably not ready for what you want or he doesn't feel the same way, there's also the possibility that he's not over his ex and can't really give you a fair chance. I was in that situation. The problem was he thought his ex wouldn't ever come back and started going out with me. Then she started emailing him and by then our feelings for each other were really strong. But ultimately it was her in his heart and not me. He said if she didn't come back then maybe me and him would've had a chance. So maybe it's that. Whatever the case, you deserve more. I don't know you but i know when someone gives another 100% while the other is not, they deserve more. My best advice is to move on and the sooner the better. It's not easy, i know, i'm still not over what happened with my ex. But i know i deserve more. I deserve to be someone's first choice, especially if we're in a relationship. Besides he wasn't that great anyways... Well i hope this helps, either way, that "talk" you're scared of is unavoidable. So get it over with and move on with your life.