Please Help - ex engaged

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Please Help - ex engaged
28
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:56am
I recently found out my ex-boyfriend proposed to his girlfriend. I knew that he had bought a ring but I had been denying/suppressing any thoughts and feelings I may have had about the situation. This ex was the longest relationship I have ever had, I lost my virginity to him, he was the first person I ever 'loved,' etc. I also considered him to be the best friend I had in the world, the person who knows and understands me better than anyone.
His being engaged has hit me really really hard. I opened up to my mom about it yesterday and she was shocked because she didn't think I had any feelings left for this person. We have been broken up for over 2 years. However, during those two years, both he and I dated other people, but also went back and forth as friends/more than friends.
I feel awful and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to move past this. I feel sad because I may have blown the best relationship I ever had. I feel sad because I lost the best friend I ever had (I hadn't heard from him in a few months - now I realize it's because he was so serious about his relationship). I don't know if I was never 'over' him in the first place or how to get 'over' him now.
This guy was always my excuse to not get serious about other guys. I have dated guys casually but ruin things when they want me to commit to being their girlfriend - because in the back of my head I'd think my ex might come back to me. I am dating a guy casually right now - the same day that I find out my ex is engaged and how badly it affected me the new guy tells me he wants a full-on relationship with me. I don't want this ex thing to ruin a good situation with a new guy!
I need to do something to change my life and move on so I can have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to love. Please help me, I need suggestions. I want to get through and over this. HELP.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:27pm

First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling down right now, but the two years since you've been broken up is really not that long for such a serious relationship, don't be too hard on yourself. I was hung up on a guy I only knew for a summer for a LONG time...ok, not two years (that would be bad!) but a good seven or eight months after he moved out of my area.

Anyway, I hoenstly think you'll look back at this as a good thing, though. You're obviously not going to get back together, so this will force you to get over it. Yeah, it hurts now, but with time you'll feel better, just ride it out. I don't think there's much you can do except to try not to have much or any contact with him, it'll just make him easier to get over. NO guy is the end-all-be-all, there WILL be other men. I used to (and still do occasionally, but I'm getting better) be afraid to break things off with guys I was dating because what if I didn't find anyone else?? What if I'd blown something potentially great??? Then I looked back after I was over the guys in question and realized most of them were immature idiots, quite frankly, and that I could DEFINITELY find better men out there. Even if he is a really nice guy, etc., there are other good guys out there. They're hard to find, but you'll be all right. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:46pm


a little additional information that might help you understand/help me:
-one thing I decided to do today was delete my myspace account completely. I don't get anything positive out of it, I just look at ex-friends and ex-boyfriends and compare their lives to mine and then feel bad about myself.
-I also ordered new bed linens this morning ... here's why - first of all the old ones are ratty so technically I'm treating myself, which will hopefully cheer me up a little. but also, the old ones were picked out by the ex who just got engaged, so I figure it would be bad 'feng shui' or whatever to continue on with them ...
-thirdly, I have a book called 'go away come closer' - a self help type book about intimacy and relationships that a college counselor recommended to me years ago but I never got around to reading. I guess I'm going to start reading it and doing a little journaling. Maybe I'll learn something about myself that will help me move past the old relationships and/or start a healthy one with the new guy
wish me luck :(



 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:48pm

I know it is hard, I am going through similiar emotions after having been "picked over" for someone else. He wasn't an actual ex but a good friend that I've dated off and on over the years, long story, but he finally told me he has been in love with me for years and I felt the same but despite all of that he still chose to stay with his girlfriend. Even though I know he isn't completely happy (for other reasons as well) I would not be surprised to find out he gets engaged soon and that will hit me pretty hard. Even though he still tells me he feels the same way and wants to continue to be "friends", I have had to cut him out of my life because of his girlfriend in the picture and any contact is confusing and false hope which is what I imagine you have been going through since you had feelings for your ex.

Even though you officially broke up two years ago, remaining in an off/on relationship prolongs that and I don't know how long you continued to see each other that way but that definitely didn't help your healing. I know this is a hard lesson learned, but any contact after a break up just leaves room for confusion and heartache because of the false hope it brings. I've made that mistake before and that is why I knew I had to go ahead and cut off all contact with this other guy.

As for what to do now, there really is no clear answer, maybe you just need time for yourself without dating at all. It isn't fair to either you or the new guy to be dating someone while you are holding on to strong feelings for the other. Don't beat yourself up, just take some time alone and deal with what you are feeling, maybe even seek counseling if you feel you need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:53pm
Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Lot's of what you said made a lot of sense, but are also things I'm going to be reminded of over and over again until I get through this.
I think I will (eventually) look back on this as a good thing. I understand that we are now definitely never tever going to get back together so I am being forced to really officially move on.
The no contact thing is of course good advice. That is partially why I deleted my myspace account this morning. I was wondering whether or not to reach out to him through a phone call, text message, email, etc to let him know I know, congratulate him, whatever. But I see now that that wouldn't be helpful to anyone. If I need to move on, I need to move on. I am going to vow to not contact him, or look him up (via facebook, IM, etc) in any way for at least 30 days. (we actually haven't talked in longer than that, but hopefully in 30 days I will have forgotten about this altogether).
Thanks again for your advice. I hope things start looking up for me soon.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 4:24pm

>>I need to do something to change my life and move on so I can have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to love. Please help me, I need suggestions. I want to get through and over this. HELP.<<

You are obsessed with being in a relationship. It has nothing to do with your first love. To someone whose whole existence is defined by being in a relationship, I have nothing more to say. You need to suffer a little more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:10pm
I think telling someone they "need to suffer a little more" is harsh and uncalled for. If you don't have anything productive to say then you really just don't need to respond, it's that simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 6:06pm
Lighten up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:14pm

I would just like to add to this post because this same thing happened to me last summer. My high school sweetheart, my first everything dropped the bomb and told me he's getting married. This was such a shock to me because we always talked about how one day when we grow up and figure out who we are we'd get back together. (In reality we just grew to be different people, which is why we aren't together anymore). After we broke up we became best friends even as we continued to date other people (and he had recently moved next door to me which was interesting for our respective relationships)
Anyway, It really affected me as it is you. You cannot let him know how much it hurts you. If you talk to him you have to tell him how happy you are for him. It gets a lot better, it's just the ultimate break up.

I'd like to add that soon after this happened last year, I met the man I will spend my life with. So like you said, it's a blessing in disguise.

Ness

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:48pm
Thank you very much for your reply. It is a very hard lesson learned - the breaking off all contact after a break up. You're very right about that. The back and forth over the years was confusing and heartbreaking a lot of times for him and me both. I hope anyone reading this who has received the 'no contact' advice from friends or family listens to it. It is very wise advice, and for the best.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:50pm
Not the most helpful advice I've ever received. :(
I am not obsessed with or defined by being in a relationship.
I am asking for advice that will help me learn and grow so that my future relationships can be healthy and loving.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

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