Please Help - ex engaged

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Please Help - ex engaged
28
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:56am
I recently found out my ex-boyfriend proposed to his girlfriend. I knew that he had bought a ring but I had been denying/suppressing any thoughts and feelings I may have had about the situation. This ex was the longest relationship I have ever had, I lost my virginity to him, he was the first person I ever 'loved,' etc. I also considered him to be the best friend I had in the world, the person who knows and understands me better than anyone.
His being engaged has hit me really really hard. I opened up to my mom about it yesterday and she was shocked because she didn't think I had any feelings left for this person. We have been broken up for over 2 years. However, during those two years, both he and I dated other people, but also went back and forth as friends/more than friends.
I feel awful and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to move past this. I feel sad because I may have blown the best relationship I ever had. I feel sad because I lost the best friend I ever had (I hadn't heard from him in a few months - now I realize it's because he was so serious about his relationship). I don't know if I was never 'over' him in the first place or how to get 'over' him now.
This guy was always my excuse to not get serious about other guys. I have dated guys casually but ruin things when they want me to commit to being their girlfriend - because in the back of my head I'd think my ex might come back to me. I am dating a guy casually right now - the same day that I find out my ex is engaged and how badly it affected me the new guy tells me he wants a full-on relationship with me. I don't want this ex thing to ruin a good situation with a new guy!
I need to do something to change my life and move on so I can have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to love. Please help me, I need suggestions. I want to get through and over this. HELP.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:53pm
Thanks for your response, and I'm glad your story had such a happy ending. :) I will not let him know how much this is affecting me. He's a great person and this must be an incredibly happy time in his life, I don't need to interrupt that with my sadness. Ultimate break-up is a good way of putting it. Now that I think of it, this is my first ex to get married, so that might explain why it's such a shock. Fingers crossed for my blessing in disguise ....


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:20am
Oi, the troublemakers...it seems to me like you're pulling things out of your a**...I never got the idea that she was obsessed with being in a relationship or anything of the sort. It's not a case of "lightening up," you're being rude to someone whose pain, though maybe not all that important or personally relevant to you, is important to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:28am

OK fine, if you insist on a serious response. Here is the truth -

It's not the loss of a love interest that's hurting you. It is the sudden state of not being in love.

You are suffering the effects of oxytocin/serotonin withdrawal. Romanticize it all you want, but in its essence "love" is an addiction to chemicals, just like any other form of addiction. The fact that you are still hung up over someone who is clearly not into you, at least not any more, only proves the point.

Different people have different ways of coping with it. Some quickly find a substitute stimulant (finding another love interest, or 'rebounding')to continue feeding the addiction, and some successfully battle off the withdrawal effects ('moving on'). You will have to do whatever suits you better. But whatever you choose, you will eventually have to disassociate yourself from him. It's not easy. The temptations will come to slip back and reminisce the happy times and thus satisfy your craving for oxytocin. But be aware , as long as you keep doing that you will remain locked in a craving/ fix cycle. It won't help with getting over him. No smoker ever quit by satisfying the urge for just one last puff. Discipline is key.

My suggestion - stop dating for a while, a good while. Discover yourself. Discover things you enjoy doing. Hang out with your girlfriends, go shopping, buy shoes, whatever. And don't discuss relationships.




Edited 8/2/2007 2:35 am ET by c2shiningc
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 5:37am

- You are obsessed with being in a relationship.-

IMHO, there is no such thing as being obsessed about being in a r-ship. Wanting to be a part of a couple is as natural as wanting to satisfy hunger, or thurst. Human beings were not programmed to live life by themselves and the majority of us are thousand times happier when in a GREAT r-ship. Not in a r-ship for the sake of one, no matter how incompatible the two people are or how badly the woman's being treated - in a great, healthy, loving r-ship full of fun, joy and happiness. I'd say NOT wating to share life with someone would be a kind of..if not obsession then just an oddity. The OP is stating her feeling truthfully and honestly without any of the wide-spread false 'I am single and terrifically happy' proclamations so I don't think your response to her is going to be in any way helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 8:25pm

I've read through these posts and I agree with some of the advice. Some was harsh and I wouldn't have phrased it quite that way, but it was still true.


Love is an emotion. You CAN get over it. I've done it myself. It just takes time - in my case it took 7 years.


My ex was dating someone behind my back and I found out from his best friend that he was engaged. He took me out for dinner to celebrate my birthday (hey - it was a free dinner and I never turn down free food!) and told me about his wedding, which by this time was about 7 months past. I had a bigger bomb to drop on his head, which made a nice little mushroom cloud. I left the restaurant with my dignity intact.


You need to take a vacation from men, period. I took the opportunity to move across the country, explore life on MY terms (new job, new car, new friends) and take all the negative energy that he left me with and pour it into my job.


I decided that I would be alone for the rest of my life, and worked on not NEEDING a man... except in the cases of lifting heavy furniture and killing bugs. :) I can hook up my own computer and stereo equipment.


summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:35am

I have to say, I respectfully disagree. There are times, sure, when I want a relationship and am happier in one, but right now...I just can't see myself seriously involved with someone unless he was absolutely perfect for me. I simply have no desire to be tied down. I'm coming off a few dating situations, but no relationships for three years, but during those three years, I've been focused on dating and guys and "when's he going to call?" and "I want to be in a relationship." I feel better than I think I ever have right now being happily (and truly, not just spewing hot air) single; it's more liberating than I ever could have imagined. If a guy's not interested in me, I don't care! And if he is, great, I'll go out with him, but I don't care if it gets any further than that. If I happen to meet a fantastic man who sweeps me off my feet, I'd consider getting involved, but other than that...nope, I'm ok being single and dating different people.

Of course I want to be in a relationship eventually, but I think there's a time and a place, neither of which I'm in right now. I DEFINITELY believe that it's possible to be happy and single, after all, look at all the men who are happy dating around and not being tied down. Why not women??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:50am
You are going to hate this I know: you are 22, correct? I am going to be 37 in October - I am talking from the point of view of the majority of women of my age. Again sorry for the cliche but I'm afraid it's very true: IMHO, 10-15 years from now you may just completely change your mind on the whole 'single/coupled/dating' subject, totally, 100% change your mind. I know I did. All I wanted at 22 was to live life. To sleep with as many blokes as I could. To feel things, see things, experience things. Live LIVE LIVE LIVE, discover, laugh, cry, fall madly in and out of love. Travel, stay awake for 48 hours, go mad, go even madder. I did even GET the idea of being with one person, on a monogamous basis, exclusively. I thought this was an alltogether ridiculous notion and why the h*** can I not just be as wild as I wanted to be?? You get the picture. To say the time has changed me would be an understatement of the year. Trust me, one feels different when one gets to 35+. OMG, now I sound like a pathetic old granny. Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 12:20pm

I'm 23, but yes (is there any difference? :) ). And I don't hate it. I know you're speaking from a different perspective and so am I. I said in my post that there's a time and a place and I'm in neither at the moment. I'm young, I'm happy being alone, plus I'm almost stubbornly independent by nature anyway. I had no idea how old you were, so when you said (or hinted that) women who said they were happy being single were fooling themselves, I took it to mean all women, of all ages. And, to be fair, I did say that I want to be in a relationship eventually (as does almost everyone), I just don't find it impossible to be happily single (as some early/mid 20-somethings do). I'm not going to change my mind, per se, I'm going to grow up, I know that. I'm fully aware that the 35 year old me will be extremely different than the 23 year old me.

No offense taken, I think we just misunderstood each other. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 11:38pm
I came across this and I don't know if you are still around here, but I'm experiencing something kind of similar. The guy I always thought was my soul mate, who was my best friend and off-and-on boyfriend, is getting married. He told me a couple of months ago and I kind of dealt with it then, but not completely, it turns out. I had a full-on breakdown yesterday that carried over into today. AND I am in a happy relationship with someone great for a year now! So I guess it can hit you this way no matter what. I'm trying to just focus on the reasons we weren't together, and not dwell on the good things that tend to pop into my mind. This is so hard. Nice to know I'm not the only one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:02am

((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry you're hurting. I've been single for a year and a half now. My ex-husband was my first love, first sex... we got married, had a baby...then he left.

The relationship was rocky at best. But it crushed me. Still not fully over it. It tears me up inside.

He married the mistress. That knowledge, feeling kills. They had a baby together.

And it hurts.

But I know that I'm holding onto the idea of what was. Not what actually was.

And I'm learning to let go.

But I still feel so odd about him being with someone else.

And pathetic about being with just myself.

I know that's not true though.

But I understand what this feels like. And I'm sorry you're hurting. Obviously neither of these guys were for us. Just hoping there is someone, somewhere that is who I'm meant to be with.

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