Please Help - ex engaged

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Please Help - ex engaged
28
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:56am
I recently found out my ex-boyfriend proposed to his girlfriend. I knew that he had bought a ring but I had been denying/suppressing any thoughts and feelings I may have had about the situation. This ex was the longest relationship I have ever had, I lost my virginity to him, he was the first person I ever 'loved,' etc. I also considered him to be the best friend I had in the world, the person who knows and understands me better than anyone.
His being engaged has hit me really really hard. I opened up to my mom about it yesterday and she was shocked because she didn't think I had any feelings left for this person. We have been broken up for over 2 years. However, during those two years, both he and I dated other people, but also went back and forth as friends/more than friends.
I feel awful and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to move past this. I feel sad because I may have blown the best relationship I ever had. I feel sad because I lost the best friend I ever had (I hadn't heard from him in a few months - now I realize it's because he was so serious about his relationship). I don't know if I was never 'over' him in the first place or how to get 'over' him now.
This guy was always my excuse to not get serious about other guys. I have dated guys casually but ruin things when they want me to commit to being their girlfriend - because in the back of my head I'd think my ex might come back to me. I am dating a guy casually right now - the same day that I find out my ex is engaged and how badly it affected me the new guy tells me he wants a full-on relationship with me. I don't want this ex thing to ruin a good situation with a new guy!
I need to do something to change my life and move on so I can have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to love. Please help me, I need suggestions. I want to get through and over this. HELP.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:51pm

"He married the mistress. That knowledge, feeling kills. They had a baby together.


And it hurts.


But I know that I'm holding onto the idea of what was. Not what actually was.


And I'm learning to let go.


But I still feel so odd about him being with someone else."


If he cheated on you, he will most likely cheat on her.


summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 5:07pm
You are definetly not alone! It is kind of strange how the 'breakdowns' sneak up on you out of nowhere. The worst for me was when I was minding my business in the produce section of the grocery store, then seconds later I was bawling like a baby. I'm dealing much better with the situation since I first posted on the topic, but it took lot's of crying to get where I am today. And I'm sure there will be more crying in the future... If he's not marrying me, then we aren't meant to be. I wish him and his finance the best and am looking forward to having the same kind of happiness sometime in the future (whenever it's my time!). Good luck to you!


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 5:10pm
Wow. I am sorry that happened to you. Life can be so crazy/hard/unpredictable sometimes. Thanks for your words of encouragement and I wish you the best. At least we all know we aren't the only great girls in the world who are alone for now. I think we'll all be fine. :)


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 9:54pm
Hi sweetie, I am 68. Had 2 marriages and hope to have another relationship. Ok, I had my kids etc I love being with a guy, someone I love to kiss and talk to. So, maybe you will be the same at 35, who knows. What matters is what we believe and want each day. I can be OK alone. I do hope to have another guy. 68 sounds old but I am beautiful, energetic, have a great job and feel young. Go for what you want, grieve what you need to grieve. only love and forgivness really matter so love everyone and love yourself and pray for the guy you want. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 9:20pm

I don't think first loves should ever be forgotten. Sounds like you had a good experience with him but it wasn't enough for you. You obviously wanted something different. You probably never will get over him. Even when you find a new guy to give you the things he did that made you love him so much plus does the stuff he never did or that something different your ex couldn't, you will still think about him and miss him. We all have to stop tying ourselves down with thoughts of "what if" concerning our exes. It's a leash. Are we dogs? No!!! So we should make it something more positive. Like a string on a kite. Take these experiences as something to lift us higher. Sky's the limit!

Yep dwelling in the past makes it hurt. Revelling in our experience helps. *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2011
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 6:01am

I was reading this discussion, that was posted several years ago now and I find myself in a similar position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 12:17am
I know exactly how you feel. Having been involved with my ex for almost 13 years and having rejected guys for him only to see him marry someone else In the end. It has been about 3 years since he got married and I will not lie to you and say it was easy, but I can tell you it does get better. Try to keep up with your life, I know it can be hard, especially if you have a lot of friends in common, but don't shut yourself out of the world. Stay busy, take this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and soon you will feel stronger. I am not really dating yet, but I finally feel like I can handle it... Be strong, you can move past this
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 8:55pm
Hi. I am guessing I am older than you (40's) and all I can say is that it's OK to feel sad. I know how you feel. I have broken up with my best friend, too...a few times over! and it is incredibly hard. It's normal to feel very, very sad. Just go thru the horrible emotions and you WILL come out. Please know that there is joy for you in the future. Also know that you can make another best friend, truly. It seems like now that is not the case but it really is true.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that many men are not replaceable but sometimes the next one is better. Sometimes the next one is better in some ways but not in others...that is just life...what you do is just appreciate what you have whoever is given to you. Appreciate the joy and love and lessons! you got from this last relationship. Hold it fondly in your heart and remember that that same joy and love can come back to you. It really can. In a different package, yes, but still can come back to you.

I've had many loves in my life. Each one was special...(although I do admit some more special than others). I take comfort in that I attracted them all and I won't stop attracting that type still. You won't either. As you grow in life and become more of who you are, you will grow more, too and attract more of what you are then.

Everything will be OK. It will.
Soliel

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