The power of no
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The power of no
| Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:37pm |
I don't know if anyone else watches How I Met Your Mother, but it's one of my favorite shows. I was watching an old episode the other day. It was all about Barney, the womanizer, trying to sleep with a woman (Jennifer Lopez) whose philosophy was not to have sex until the 17th date. She told men no regardless of the question (Do you want coffee?) or what her answer was. Barney chased her shamelessly until he had a change of heart and he ended up rejecting her. At that point, she started begging him to want her. Basically, they each only wanted what they couldn't have.
I see this a lot with guys. My FWB has resurfaced again. We went to a different karaoke place Wednesday and he was there. I got home and he texted me asking to come over. I told him no, and asked him if he realized it had been two months. He said he'd been busy w/ his kids and that now it was my "turn" to text him first. Tonight, he texts me again and I told him no again bc I was tired. He tried to convince me, but I really wasn't up to it.
He's just the most recent example in my life of a guy trying harder when I've told him no. The thing is, I'm not trying to be a challenge. If I say no, I'm just not that interested! But it seems to make guys (and I imagine women too) work a little harder. It's like the things that come easy to us don't seem as valuable at first. But really, the ones that come easy should be the ones we want.
I see this a lot with guys. My FWB has resurfaced again. We went to a different karaoke place Wednesday and he was there. I got home and he texted me asking to come over. I told him no, and asked him if he realized it had been two months. He said he'd been busy w/ his kids and that now it was my "turn" to text him first. Tonight, he texts me again and I told him no again bc I was tired. He tried to convince me, but I really wasn't up to it.
He's just the most recent example in my life of a guy trying harder when I've told him no. The thing is, I'm not trying to be a challenge. If I say no, I'm just not that interested! But it seems to make guys (and I imagine women too) work a little harder. It's like the things that come easy to us don't seem as valuable at first. But really, the ones that come easy should be the ones we want.
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It does seem that way doesn't it? Many times when a man is interested, he will doggedly pursue, even if the woman is turning him down, either because she's not interested (or not very interested) or she truly happens to be busy when he asks her out. I think our culture "gives permission" to men to do this. I think sometimes men really think a woman is playing a game with them, when really she isn't. I think intentionally putting up barriers to get the man to be more interested is really lame--I know your example was a TV comedy and an exaggeration of course.
I think if the guy is trying harder because you said no, it's because his ego is in play. He's not more interested. That's the only situation when No has a power, but who needs that ?
If a guy has confidence and is VERY interested, he could pursue when a woman refuses, but it's not because of that.
In my experience, most men wouldn't pursue if they don't hear an enthousiastic yes. Even an ambiguous answer would turn them off (example: I'm busy this week
When I first met my 2nd DH I wasn't too interested in him so I made things hard for him--I wouldn't give him my phone no, just my email and I wasn't responsding to his overtures--I wasn't playing a game, though--I just wasn't interested.
I exagerated with the "enthousiastic", but at least
I do not buy "easy".
Shywon-
Hi. I have to disagree a bit here. When I was 14 years old and at a dance in summer camp, I asked a girl to dance and she told me "later''. So, I asked her 4 more times that evening. Each time, she again said "'later''. Finally, I realized ''later'' for her meant never. After that embarassing experience, I would pointedly not chase after women who initially expressed a lack of interest.
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