The power of no

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
The power of no
33
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:37pm
I don't know if anyone else watches How I Met Your Mother, but it's one of my favorite shows. I was watching an old episode the other day. It was all about Barney, the womanizer, trying to sleep with a woman (Jennifer Lopez) whose philosophy was not to have sex until the 17th date. She told men no regardless of the question (Do you want coffee?) or what her answer was. Barney chased her shamelessly until he had a change of heart and he ended up rejecting her. At that point, she started begging him to want her. Basically, they each only wanted what they couldn't have.

I see this a lot with guys. My FWB has resurfaced again. We went to a different karaoke place Wednesday and he was there. I got home and he texted me asking to come over. I told him no, and asked him if he realized it had been two months. He said he'd been busy w/ his kids and that now it was my "turn" to text him first. Tonight, he texts me again and I told him no again bc I was tired. He tried to convince me, but I really wasn't up to it.

He's just the most recent example in my life of a guy trying harder when I've told him no. The thing is, I'm not trying to be a challenge. If I say no, I'm just not that interested! But it seems to make guys (and I imagine women too) work a little harder. It's like the things that come easy to us don't seem as valuable at first. But really, the ones that come easy should be the ones we want.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 11:18am
So because one girl rejected you at 14, you put all other women in the same box? Something similar happened to me at 13, but I don't assume that all men who reject me at first won't like me once they get to know me better. I would guess that most of us have had a similar experience. That boy ended up being the first boy I was "going with", by the way.

On tv, yes it's about the chase. But there really are some guys who understand the need to win women over. We're not going to just fall in your lap without some effort. It's not really about chasing, but about patience and maybe taking a different approach.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 11:33am

shywon wrote:
So because one girl rejected you at 14, you put all other women in the same box?

That was the most dramatic example. I did try with other girls more than once when I was younger--but always to no avail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 12:05pm

I dont get any of this game playing .. I do know agree with Trenner somewhat.. I mean if someone wants you then they want you and you get together and the rest is history.

If they go after you and you reject then its over.. and you move on to what you really really want..

this guy sounded like he wanted booty and you rejected so either he will move on or you will move on or like trenner said the cycle continues..

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 12:33pm
It's not game playing. We don't all fall for someone so easily, and not everyone makes the best first impression. I've told several guys no at first (or sent those signals) because I honestly wasn't interested. After getting to know them better, I was far more open to the idea. I think it's a good thing that I'm willing to give a guy a second chance.

You have to remember- we don't all deal with the opposite sex in the same way nor do we all have the same ideas about how a relationship forms. You and I could react the exact same way to a man and my reaction could mean something completely different from yours.

I do believe my last sentence in the original post was that we should just go for the ones that come easy, but I'm not naive enough to think things always go the way they should.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 2:35pm

What do you do then when you initially didn't find a guy that appealing but after you get to know him a while, you decide you like him more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 2:40pm

yes; I wonder that also?
I dont quite understand your logic Shy...........

I am old school and if a guy asks me out and I like him I go.. If I dont like him I dont go and if we like each other we keep going out.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 4:32pm
You don't have to understand my logic. The truth is, no guy has actually asked me out in a long, long, long time. Most of them just flirt and either I flirt back or I don't. If I decide later that I want to change my mind and I do want to flirt, I have no problem making that known.

I just need time to make my decision, and most men are not willing to do that. The ones who are are the lucky ones.

Anyways- I wasn't really commenting on my current situation. I know he just wants sex. It's been my observation with men in general, though, that a lot of them want what they can't have more than they want what comes easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 7:20pm

Shy, I'm just catching up on reading this thread.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 7:37pm
Marina, I've stated more than once that my question was NOT about the guy or my situation. I know it's just sex. I wouldn't have allowed anything to happen if I thought he wanted more.

I was commenting on dating/men/women in general. I don't have an issue. I was just doing my job- creating conversation- and relating it to my life. It was not meant to imply that I was at odds with the guy at all. I'm not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 11:33pm
As my husband once told me, the fun is in the game - not the reward. Chasing a woman and trying to work her down when she says no is a challenge, and it's fun to play. If you say yes, the game isn't there to play anymore.
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