The power of no

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
The power of no
33
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:37pm
I don't know if anyone else watches How I Met Your Mother, but it's one of my favorite shows. I was watching an old episode the other day. It was all about Barney, the womanizer, trying to sleep with a woman (Jennifer Lopez) whose philosophy was not to have sex until the 17th date. She told men no regardless of the question (Do you want coffee?) or what her answer was. Barney chased her shamelessly until he had a change of heart and he ended up rejecting her. At that point, she started begging him to want her. Basically, they each only wanted what they couldn't have.

I see this a lot with guys. My FWB has resurfaced again. We went to a different karaoke place Wednesday and he was there. I got home and he texted me asking to come over. I told him no, and asked him if he realized it had been two months. He said he'd been busy w/ his kids and that now it was my "turn" to text him first. Tonight, he texts me again and I told him no again bc I was tired. He tried to convince me, but I really wasn't up to it.

He's just the most recent example in my life of a guy trying harder when I've told him no. The thing is, I'm not trying to be a challenge. If I say no, I'm just not that interested! But it seems to make guys (and I imagine women too) work a little harder. It's like the things that come easy to us don't seem as valuable at first. But really, the ones that come easy should be the ones we want.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 7:12am

It does seem that way doesn't it? Many times when a man is interested, he will doggedly pursue, even if the woman is turning him down, either because she's not interested (or not very interested) or she truly happens to be busy when he asks her out. I think our culture "gives permission" to men to do this. I think sometimes men really think a woman is playing a game with them, when really she isn't. I think intentionally putting up barriers to get the man to be more interested is really lame--I know your example was a TV comedy and an exaggeration of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 10:23am

I think if the guy is trying harder because you said no, it's because his ego is in play. He's not more interested. That's the only situation when No has a power, but who needs that ?

If a guy has confidence and is VERY interested, he could pursue when a woman refuses, but it's not because of that.

In my experience, most men wouldn't pursue if they don't hear an enthousiastic yes. Even an ambiguous answer would turn them off (example: I'm busy this week

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 11:17am
Shy, my best friend was dating a narcissist jackhole. She just dumped him. The other day, she forwarded 15 texts he'd sent her. All this after almost a week of no contact. I was thinking it was his ego(as Sireanita suggested). In my mind, he just couldn't get over the fact that she was able to walk away so easily. This girl doesn't play games. She's a relationship person. She treated him like gold and he dumped all over her - repeatedly. It amazes me that when they were dating, he treated her like an annoyance, a nuisance, a little gnat. Now he has his chance to "be free" and he's blowing up her phone with apologies and I love you's...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 11:40am

When I first met my 2nd DH I wasn't too interested in him so I made things hard for him--I wouldn't give him my phone no, just my email and I wasn't responsding to his overtures--I wasn't playing a game, though--I just wasn't interested.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 11:49am
I don't think you have to be overly enthusiastic at first to keep a guy around. If you did, I'd never have had a date because I'm just not that way. Most of the time if a guy asks for my number or to go out, my answer is a calm, "Sure." No real excitement for the most part because I don't know the guy yet. Like Music, I've started off relationships where I really wasn't interested at all, but the guy grew on me. I think for some guys, it's about their ego or the challenge, but for others I think it might be that they know getting a woman interested is difficult and they need to respectfully give us time, yet keep showing interest.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 11:54am
I know you weren't doing it on purpose, but sometimes I think a man appreciates what he has a little more, if he has to work for it. However, I guess that applies to most everything in life.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 12:26pm
Exactly. It's the whole "nothing worth having comes easy" thing. They think if you're easy (to get, and not just into bed) there must be something wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 9:01pm

I exagerated with the "enthousiastic", but at least

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 9:36pm

I do not buy "easy".

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 10:40am

Shywon-

Hi. I have to disagree a bit here. When I was 14 years old and at a dance in summer camp, I asked a girl to dance and she told me "later''. So, I asked her 4 more times that evening. Each time, she again said "'later''. Finally, I realized ''later'' for her meant never. After that embarassing experience, I would pointedly not chase after women who initially expressed a lack of interest.

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