Pretty miserable
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| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:42am |
Have a seat. This may take a while. :)
I'm 27, and though I'm smart, funny, and extremely sweet, I've never had a boyfriend. Not even a date. (I guess it goes without saying that I'm shy.)I'm just so tired of not REALLY mattering to anyone. (I pretty much have only casual friends,though through my 'ordeal' I've found that I have more friends than I thought.)
My specific problem: I've been friends with a guy I met on a message board for over two years,and I've liked him for nearly that long. At one point, I thought he liked me too. He didn't, I was extremely embarrassed, but we got past it. We became closer this past year and started e-mailing and hanging out. I, still interested in him, knew he didn't return my feelings (he's in love with an ex--I know, I know), but, well, I have to admit that I held out hope that he eventually would. Anyway, things were going along okay until recently. I was always the one e-mailing him, and he'd often just disappear during conversations (this wasn't a new thing. I'd often been the one to contact him on the message board--he was the one to contact me in the first place--and he didn't always reply to my messages). So about three weeks ago, I was annoyed enough to bring this up to him. His 'reasons':Why does it matter who e-mails who? And e-mail conversations just trail off. At one point, I said that maybe we just had different ideas of what friendship was. He asked me what mine were; I said "feeling that someone actually wants to talk to you(crazy, huh?)" and talking more often than every three weeks or so. He said he thought he could do that, and though I had doubts, I gave him another chance.
Fast-forward to this past Saturday. I hadn't heard from him (surprise!), I was REALLY tired of him claiming friendship and not showing it, and I was really just about at the end of my rope. I yet again e-mailed him, we talked for a couple of hours, and, at one point, he disappeared. As I said, I was used to this, but it was at a particularly odd point in the conversation to stop talking, so I e-mailed him a couple of times wondering where he was, and finally just said, "Okay; get back to me later." Sunday came without a response, and I e-mailed him again, just a question mark. No response. By Tuesday, I was SEVERELY pissed off, and e-mailed him, sarcastically saying thanks for getting back to me. I knew he was online, so after about 10 minutes of waiting for a message that never came, I, pretty enraged by this point, sent him another e-mail saying sarcastically "very nice." (Yikes. I'm cringing reliving this.)This finally got a response, asking why I got so crazy (thanks), to which I said I felt it was rude that he hadn't responded after three days. He said we'd talked for hours and didn't want to anymore, and said again that he didn't feel it was rude not to respond to me; it was just e-mail. I said again that I felt it was rude not to respond, e-mail or not, and he replied by, well, not replying. I then wrote him this:
(His name), I have to go now, but I hope you'll get back to me later so that we can discuss this like the reasonably mature, intelligent people that we are. As I said weeks ago, maybe we just have different ideas of what friendship is, and maybe they just can't be reconciled with each other; I don't know. I hope that's not the case; I've enjoyed talking to you and hanging out with you, though I'm frequently not sure if you feel the same. (And (his name), this is not a 'more than friends' issue. That's in the past.)
Sincerely,
(my name)
All right, so maybe the part about the 'more than friends' issue being in the past wasn't true. I'm not even sure at this point. Anyway, I guess not surprisingly, he didn't get back to me, and so I've spent a good part of the last 2+ days depressed, crying, and unable to concentrate. Part of me wants to e-mail him and say, "I don't deserve to be treated like this. Goodbye" and part of me says stop being a pain in the ass, give it time, and maybe he'll contact you, maybe we can work it out. (If you're wondering why I even still want him in my life, as I mentioned (WAY :)) above, I'm shy and it's not often that I really 'connect' with someone,that I can really be open with someone.) I'd appreciate advice on that, and, well, I guess some reassurance, too. Some hope that someday I will truly matter to someone--even if it's not him. (Don't worry, I'm not asking for guarantees!)
Thanks for reading all that, and thanks in advance for your responses.
Edited 3/9/2007 4:03 am ET by citymouse12

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Let me just say that I know what your mindset is because I've done this exact same thing in the past.
That said, you wrote: >All right, so maybe the part about the 'more than friends' issue being in the past wasn't true.<
Now you know what the truth is and that's the problem here. You like him and he's not responding. No one's wrong in this case - it's just the way it is.
I can see it from his point of view as well, as I've had internet "friends" who have expressed interest in me where I have no interest in them, and they insist on frequent, never-ending emails, and then get really mad when I drop it after a very frustrating while.
After romantic interest has been expressed, and the other person says "let's just be friends," sometimes it's better NOT to be friends. It hurts in the beginning, but sometimes it's better in the long run.
First of all, stop emailing him.
"First of all, stop emailing him. Leave him alone. He has made it clear that your communications are a lot more important to you than they are to him. You can't "make" him respond to your emails, and by trying to "make him," you're lessening the chance that he's ever going to talk to you again, because he will start to become annoyed (if he hasn't become annoyed already - I know I'd be EXTREMELY annoyed if someone I was talking to online sent me emails like the ones you've sent him)."
In defense of myself, it wasn't only an online...whatever you want to call it. I know you're right about leaving him alone, but, honestly, it's taking so much effort not to e-mail him and apologize for getting crazy. It's just so hard...it's not like I have much of a support system to turn to. It's not like I can just brush it off, saying, "Who cares if he likes me? Guys have liked me in the past, and they will in the future," because that's just not true. And I know happiness can only come from within, but it's hard to be happy after a lifetime of no one REALLY caring about you.
Edited 3/9/2007 2:01 pm ET by citymouse12
>And I know happiness can only come from within, but it's hard to be happy after a lifetime of no one REALLY caring about you.<
I know how you feel - my support system is very limited too. And I was never one to have a lot of friends and guys never exactly fell all over themselves to get my attention. Some girls luck out with the good physical genetics and some don't. I wasn't one of the fortunate ones.
But you still can't make someone care about you. If he's just not interested in that sort of friendship then that's just the way it is.
What I did - I started blogging just to write something. And I started doing online chats - really anything just to divert my attention.
It may be something for you and maybe not. But forcing yourself on this guy is just making you look sort of unstable to him - even if you're really not.
Hi,
First off, do you mean all your life there's no one who cares. Are you really that unfortunate? I urge you to take a piece of paper and write down everyone who cares about you. Yes, your family do count although many times I wish there's someone else (a wonderful man) who cares about me besides my family and a few close friends.
I can relate to your strong desire to have someone in your life even only as a friend. I have the same intense desire but it's for a romantic relationship b/c I do have cultivated some close friends who I can turn to when I need something (usually emotional) and of course my small family is always there for me (not so much for sharing emotion other than just being among those you know care and nurture you). Even with those few friends, at times I had need to reach out to some other people and was ignored. After a few times of this I let them go b/c even if I don't mind being ignored sometimes after a while I feel a one-way relationship is just to trying to maintain. It's tough to cultivate friends. It takes effort to reach out and compatibility and sensitivity to keep it going. All of this takes time.
In the mean time can you find a counselor? If you're still in school, you can go to one free of charge. I also know there are psychotherapy schools where one can probably find therapy for a reduced price. I'm looking into it myself. If you have family maybe spend sometimes with them, even if you can't talk to them at least being around those who love you no matter what is a comforting feeling.
I know it's hard when you don't feel cared about, but like another poster said there has to be people who have cared about you. Your family, friends, coworkers. There always is someone that has or does. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do right now. Make decisions that are in your best interest, like leaving this guy alone because you will feel worse the more you contact him. Pick up a hobby and get good at something because when you succeed then it boosts your self esteem. Throw your energy into your work so that you can move up the ladder which also boosts your self esteem. Ask some women at your work or places that you go to if they want to go out for happy hour and little by little try to get yourself out there and meet new people. You have to be a friend first before you get friends and sometimes people are shy too and want others to make the first move in asking them to go do something. You don't have to have guy friends, especially guy friends who you have a crush on who don't feel the same way. There are people out there like you who feel lonely and want friends too.
I use my blog all the time. I started it in 2003 under circumstances sort of similar to yours - I liked a guy and he didn't like me back. Or rather I should say that he "liked" me - he wanted to "just be friends." I wasn't having any of that - I told him I already had plenty of friends and I cut him out of my life. So I stayed away from him but I wrote about it.
No one else reads it. It's strictly for me. But it enables me to get my thoughts out somewhere outside of my brain.
It's funny though - I sat today and looked over my posts over the last four years. My how much has changed! And for the better, I might add.
It's not the blog that "saved" me - but it helped keep my sanity.
Hi citymouse,
My heart just aches for you.
I never had guys falling all over themselves to date me either. Plus, there were guys that I wanted to date who had no interest in me beyond friendship. But I did have some very close female friendships. I say "did" because right now, they are all married or dating and don't have time for me, so that's kind of tough. But I do have one really close married friend who does make time for me, so that's really good.
I agree with the other posters: don't contact him until he contacts you. You've made yourself clear, let him take the next step if there's going to be one.
And, as another poster suggested, I really, really urge you to seek counseling. I began counseling when I was 24 and found it to be tremendously helpful...life changing really. I have sought out counseling on and off for many years (I'm 52 now). If you can't afford it, there is probably a mental health clinic in your city that you can pay sliding scale. Plus, my city has a women's center that also offers a sliding scale. Plus, some health insurance will pay for counseling.
I think you need to get out and meet people and do some things you enjoy...get away from your computer!
Best of luck to you. —FG
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