Pretty miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Pretty miserable
14
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:42am

Have a seat. This may take a while. :)

I'm 27, and though I'm smart, funny, and extremely sweet, I've never had a boyfriend. Not even a date. (I guess it goes without saying that I'm shy.)I'm just so tired of not REALLY mattering to anyone. (I pretty much have only casual friends,though through my 'ordeal' I've found that I have more friends than I thought.)

My specific problem: I've been friends with a guy I met on a message board for over two years,and I've liked him for nearly that long. At one point, I thought he liked me too. He didn't, I was extremely embarrassed, but we got past it. We became closer this past year and started e-mailing and hanging out. I, still interested in him, knew he didn't return my feelings (he's in love with an ex--I know, I know), but, well, I have to admit that I held out hope that he eventually would. Anyway, things were going along okay until recently. I was always the one e-mailing him, and he'd often just disappear during conversations (this wasn't a new thing. I'd often been the one to contact him on the message board--he was the one to contact me in the first place--and he didn't always reply to my messages). So about three weeks ago, I was annoyed enough to bring this up to him. His 'reasons':Why does it matter who e-mails who? And e-mail conversations just trail off. At one point, I said that maybe we just had different ideas of what friendship was. He asked me what mine were; I said "feeling that someone actually wants to talk to you(crazy, huh?)" and talking more often than every three weeks or so. He said he thought he could do that, and though I had doubts, I gave him another chance.

Fast-forward to this past Saturday. I hadn't heard from him (surprise!), I was REALLY tired of him claiming friendship and not showing it, and I was really just about at the end of my rope. I yet again e-mailed him, we talked for a couple of hours, and, at one point, he disappeared. As I said, I was used to this, but it was at a particularly odd point in the conversation to stop talking, so I e-mailed him a couple of times wondering where he was, and finally just said, "Okay; get back to me later." Sunday came without a response, and I e-mailed him again, just a question mark. No response. By Tuesday, I was SEVERELY pissed off, and e-mailed him, sarcastically saying thanks for getting back to me. I knew he was online, so after about 10 minutes of waiting for a message that never came, I, pretty enraged by this point, sent him another e-mail saying sarcastically "very nice." (Yikes. I'm cringing reliving this.)This finally got a response, asking why I got so crazy (thanks), to which I said I felt it was rude that he hadn't responded after three days. He said we'd talked for hours and didn't want to anymore, and said again that he didn't feel it was rude not to respond to me; it was just e-mail. I said again that I felt it was rude not to respond, e-mail or not, and he replied by, well, not replying. I then wrote him this:

(His name), I have to go now, but I hope you'll get back to me later so that we can discuss this like the reasonably mature, intelligent people that we are. As I said weeks ago, maybe we just have different ideas of what friendship is, and maybe they just can't be reconciled with each other; I don't know. I hope that's not the case; I've enjoyed talking to you and hanging out with you, though I'm frequently not sure if you feel the same. (And (his name), this is not a 'more than friends' issue. That's in the past.)

Sincerely,
(my name)

All right, so maybe the part about the 'more than friends' issue being in the past wasn't true. I'm not even sure at this point. Anyway, I guess not surprisingly, he didn't get back to me, and so I've spent a good part of the last 2+ days depressed, crying, and unable to concentrate. Part of me wants to e-mail him and say, "I don't deserve to be treated like this. Goodbye" and part of me says stop being a pain in the ass, give it time, and maybe he'll contact you, maybe we can work it out. (If you're wondering why I even still want him in my life, as I mentioned (WAY :)) above, I'm shy and it's not often that I really 'connect' with someone,that I can really be open with someone.) I'd appreciate advice on that, and, well, I guess some reassurance, too. Some hope that someday I will truly matter to someone--even if it's not him. (Don't worry, I'm not asking for guarantees!)

Thanks for reading all that, and thanks in advance for your responses.




Edited 3/9/2007 4:03 am ET by citymouse12

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 12:14pm
I believe that if you are a professional, cute, well-mannered person, then you should not be wasting time with him, because it seems like he does not want your time. There are men out there that will want you and love you, there are those that will play games. Women do the same thing. I want to matter to someone, and someone to matter to me, and I try very hard to make things happen, but I too have had many girlfriends and never had a steady for years on end. The most I have had is 11 months. I just turned twenty eight today and I am a passenger in the same boat as you are. I too want to feel like a belong. Perhaps this helps you. Feel free to comment on the board and I will get back to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:41pm
I know, intellectually, that he's a waste of my time. It's just hard to let go of someone you felt connected to, which, as I said, doesn't happen that often. Oh, and hope you're having a happy birthday! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 5:49pm
Well, you say you felt connected to him, but now you're not. Sometimes you have to find the strength to move out of the relationship that isn't going anywhere. Perhaps you need to find someone who is on your intellectual level. I for one am looking and would like to have someone who sparks my intellect. If I may ask, with your permission, what is your name and where do you live?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 8:17pm

I think you should just cut your losses. He's obviously not giving you what you want and by you contacting him over and over again - you are just pushing him further away. I am sorry he didn't return what you felt for him, but that just means there's someone else out there for you.

As far as being shy - at 27 - I know how hard it is to meet someone. If you feel comfortable, join a volunteer group in your area - you can meet other people your age and make friendships. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else.

I am not sure where you are at - but see if there is a local Jaycees chapter out your way. Or if you like animals, volunteer at a shelter.

Be strong... you'll pull through, but first you have to let go.

~Sarah

Pages