Pride

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Pride
29
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:34pm

How much does pride get in the way of pursuing someone we like?

I went out with a guy last week, had a great time and had been hoping he'd e-mail/call to set up another date. (We hadn't seen each other in four years etc., so this was a "let's catch up" date). Partially based on advice from the boards, I decided not to e-mail him the next day to say thank you, which I usually do to reiterate my interest.

So, a week goes by and nothing. I finally e-mailed him yesterday just to say hello -- short and sweet, one line. Well, apparently that's what he was waiting for -- because he replied right away, seemed excited to hear from me, and suggested another date.

So... it got me thinking. (Some recent posts from others added to the thought process).. Are men and women all out there just waiting for the "nod" from the other person before moving ahead? I was waiting for him to show interest, and he was waiting for the same from me. Now, I didn't ask him out or suggest another date -- I still think that should be up to him in the beginning. All I did was send a simple e-mail to show a little interest and encourage further communication.

I wonder how many people never get together because their pride prevents them from actually taking the next step?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:42pm
Why are you bummed??? If he seemed excited and seemed interested in going out again, then go with it. Each person is different and will react differently in different siuations. Just go out, have fun and see what happens. If he indeed is not interested, then move on. Have fun in the meantime...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:46pm
Again, I agree with Sheri.
I don't like prodding a guy either. I find that if I have to prod someone to get him to ask me out again,I'd have to keep doing it. His interest is probably luke warm to none.
I don't really think it's a matter of pride at all.
I know guys who are really interested in getting to know someone and they will call and call. One guy who was interested in me, I used to swear he had esp because I'd find myself looking at the phone wondering if he was going to call and sure enough he would wanting to see me. That's what I like. There's no confusing. If he's not calling me, then I worry.
Another thing is I don't like to feel as though I have to chase a guy to go out with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:25pm
Personally, I don't feel like sending a small email after a date to let them know you are interested is prodding or even chasing them. I do feel there is some degree of pride involved with some guys and you do need to give them the "green flag". The last guy I dated, even though it did not work out between us, was excited the next day when I emailed him. He had thought I was not interested and thought there was no hope, until I emailed him. He even said that he was excited to see that the feelings were mutual, but did not intend to follow up before because he THOUGHT it was obvious that I was not interested, which was not the case at all. I have to say this has been my experience. There will be guys who appreciate the "green flag" and those who do not need it in order to proceed. But to say that EVERY guy is the same and reacts the same is like saying that all women love chocolate, which is just a generalization.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:33pm

I do believe that a guy who is truly interested in me, but who does NOT proceed because he's not sure whether I'm interested in him isn't emotionally healthy by my definition. It is my firm belief that an emotionally healthy man will take that risk.

I do understand that not everyone has the same definition I do, but I want someone who is emotionally healthy by *my* definition ;-).

But then, I also would leave no doubt as to my interest level at the end of a date (as in, saying something like, in a very warm, enthusiastic tone, "I had a great time, thank you SO much, I'd really love to do this again"), so that may have something to do with my feeling the way I do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:51pm
I guess the point I am trying to make, is that not all guys can read women all that well. I know I am hard to read so by making it a little clearer for them to read me, but sending a small email, usally works like a charm. i just don't want TallGirl to get discouraged, since I have been in situations similar and it has worked out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 4:17pm

kcole - I'm bummed because everyone seems to be saying that I'm chasing this guy, and he's not really interested because he didn't make the effort to contact me after the first date.

Although I was annoyed to have to be the one to e-mail him, I didn't feel like it was chasing to send a short "hello" e-mail.

I also am very difficult to read. I have had countless people tell me I am hard to approach, hard to read, etc. Plus, the way this guy and I reconnected -- I think it was hard for both of us to tell if it was a networking, get back in touch with an old colleague thing - or a real date. By all standard definitions, it definitely was a "date" and we discussed all sorts of non-professional topics. I said thanks at the end of the evening and made it clear that I was happy to see him - but I'm not so sure I made it clear that I was interesed in more than a networking/friend-type relationship.

SIGH. Just when I think I have this whole thing figured out, I get thrown for another loop. Getting excited about anybody seems to be the kiss of death for me.

So, I'm bummed.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:06pm
Hey I am on your side here... I don't feel like sending an email is chasing a guy and I feel you did the right thing. I just did not want you to get discouraged by everyone's opinions when your situtaion could end up working out. I hope it does work out :) Good luck and keep up the good thoughts! It's worked for me, so I don't see any reason why it shouldn't for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:25pm

Thanks. I know you were expressing an opinion taking my side, in effect. My explanation for my discouragement was just a reaction to the general idea from this thread and others that it's really all up to the guy -- and if he's not doing it, he's not interested. I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were saying that.

I definitely welcome all opinions and appreciate Hal and Sheri's input as well. I do get discouraged sometimes, though, at facing what may be the truth of the matter -- that guys really do want to, and will, do the chasing when they're interested.

I know I'm a great catch -- not perfect by any means, but definitely worth chasing. Just feeling like nobody's really up for the chase right now. After 17 years in the dating world, it's getting more and more difficult to muster the energy and endurance it takes to brave the battle and try to make sense of the conflicting opinions out there. I guess I'm losing confidence a bit.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:40pm

There was no doubt in my mind that we agreed on this :)

Dating is hard. It does get harder as we get older for sure, not easier. For example, I was blown off by a guy this week. He called me Saturday and made a date for this week. Told me he would call either Monday or Tuesday. No call. The day of our date, no call either. AND he decided that being online all evening the night we were supposed to go out was a good idea. I have never been blown off before, but decided to not get all bent up about it. Just goes to show, you can be in your late 20s and 30s and still act 13!

I guess in your situation, only time will tell how this will work out. Try not to get too down about it. I have faith it will work out and if it doesn't, you will find somebody more worth your time :)

Calie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:43pm

For me, it's TOTALLY not a matter of whether you are "chasing" him or not...that's really neither here nor there.

Besides, that's NOT what I was saying...I personally don't think it's "chasing", either, to send an email (prodding being a completely different thing from chasing), but that's really not the point. The point I was trying to make is, if a guy's interested, available, and healthy, there's no *need* to send an email. I apologize if that came across as me saying you were chasing him...that wasn't my intent.

And I want to make clear that my intent was to say that he may well be *interested*, but he might not really be available for a relationship, or he might not be emotionally healthy. If a guy's not calling, it's for one or more of those reasons.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I also don't want to be misunderstood ;-).

And if you truly feel you didn't give him clear signals about your interest level, then maybe there's more wiggle room on the emotional health issue ;-). As I said in one of my posts, I practically raise a 10 foot banner showing my interest ;-), so perhaps my expectations are skewed because of this.

Sheri