Pride

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Pride
29
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:34pm

How much does pride get in the way of pursuing someone we like?

I went out with a guy last week, had a great time and had been hoping he'd e-mail/call to set up another date. (We hadn't seen each other in four years etc., so this was a "let's catch up" date). Partially based on advice from the boards, I decided not to e-mail him the next day to say thank you, which I usually do to reiterate my interest.

So, a week goes by and nothing. I finally e-mailed him yesterday just to say hello -- short and sweet, one line. Well, apparently that's what he was waiting for -- because he replied right away, seemed excited to hear from me, and suggested another date.

So... it got me thinking. (Some recent posts from others added to the thought process).. Are men and women all out there just waiting for the "nod" from the other person before moving ahead? I was waiting for him to show interest, and he was waiting for the same from me. Now, I didn't ask him out or suggest another date -- I still think that should be up to him in the beginning. All I did was send a simple e-mail to show a little interest and encourage further communication.

I wonder how many people never get together because their pride prevents them from actually taking the next step?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:58pm

Thanks for the clarification. I think I'm just feeling more than a little unsure about my dating skills these days, so I am more sensitive than usual. I agree that prodding and chasing are different things, and what I did was definitely a prod.

It's also an interesting distinction between "interested" and "healthy/ready/etc." I think this has gotten me in trouble in the past (getting involved with guys who didn't know how to handle responsibility, etc), and it might be a good idea for me to learn how to make this distinction and pay attention to it as a potential red flag.

Also, I always THINK that my interest is obvious, but I know from outside observers that it's not the case. I am much more subtle than I realize.

So, we'll see. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 6:05pm

Thanks. I think learning how not to get down is one of the hardest parts!

I can't tell you how many times I reply to other posters to not get down, keep trying, you just haven't met the right one, etc. Much easier said than done when the disappointment keeps happening. I am trying to keep the faith that, someday, I will not be disappointed. :)

Sorry to be a downer today. TGIF, eh?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 6:20pm

While I do not want a girl to prod me, I would appreciate some sign that she is interested. And I do not believe that it has to do with pride. Since we all sometimes misread body language or give out the wrong signals, something more conspicuous, like sending an e-mail, seems helpful.

Yeah, guys do the chasing, but we can have a little help, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 7:00pm
A little help certainly does make it easier :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 3:16am

Tallgirl, I want to reiterate that I agree with Sheri. Getting to the 1st date is the hardest part of all, take me as an example :-) I have never needed prodding from a woman to arrange a 2nd date. Even if I thought things didn’t go well on the 1st date or if I had the slightest doubt about her interest level I would still make every effort to organise a 2nd date, just to be certain.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a short and sweet (10 words or less) ‘thank you’ e-mail or text the day after the 1st date but it should be unnecessary if you were giving him good signs on the 1st date. Let me put it this way, if you thought that the 1st date went well, he *definitely* did too.

I also want to clarify the distinction between prodding and chasing. What you did was definitely a prod, not a chase. It would be a chase if he didn’t reply and you sent another e-mail or if you find that you are always the one who is making the first move. If he suggested another date then let him arrange it! It will be a chase if he needs more prodding of any kind.




Edited 4/8/2006 3:17 am ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 9:54am

I never would have gotten the second date in your situation because I wouldn't have sent any emails after the date.

But it's not my pride that makes me not email or call him after a date, even if I'm interested in him. It's that I want a guy who is willing to put in the effort. My free time is limited and I don't want to waste it chasing someone who (in my opinion) acts ambivalent!

But I don't think there's anything wrong per se emailing a guy after a date... I just think it means that you and I will end up with different types of guys.




Edited 4/8/2006 10:01 am ET by ioveranalyze
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 2:57pm
Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with emailing a quick thank you for the date, I had a great time to let the guy know that you are interested and get the ball rolling. It doesn't hurt you any to do that at the beginning when there are no feelings. If a guy just needs a slight thumbs up sometimes after a first date there is nothing really wrong with that because no matter how much self confidence we have sometimes we still doubt the situation and get nervous a little, even guys too. Now after that I would leave it up to him to contact you of course and I do like to have the man set up most of the dates and do a little bit more than half the work since it does show interest on his part and I'm not doubting his interest. I don't like to sit back too much though because then the guy will probably think that I'm not interested and I dont' want that either so it's a fine balance. If you have to email again after the 2nd date to get the ball rolling again then that probably isn't a good sign but I see no problem with the thumbs up sign after a first date because first dates are almost always awkward and nerveracking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 9:18pm

When I have a good first date with a guy, I tell him at the end of the date that I had a great time. So there's no need for me to email. If he can't follow-up after I express my thoughts face-to-face, he's not someone I'm going to be interested in.

But I agree that there's nothing wrong with sending a quick email. Especially if for whatever reason you think you might not have clearly expressed your interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: tallgirlcolo
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:11am
I just want to say, to that post, *ditto* :)

Pages