Problem Attracting Men

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Problem Attracting Men
27
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:27pm

I don't want to sound all self centered or something but I don't think I am a bad looking person at all. I've been told I have a wonderful attitude (some friends call me giggles) and I am smart with a wonderful job. I was in a relationship on and off for nine years. Now that I am back in the market, which I've been for a while, I feel like I know nothing about dating. Not only do I feel like I know nothing about dating, when I go out, chances are every old man in the place will talk to me but nobody my age will attempt a conversation. They will tell me I am gorgeous but won't stick around to talk to me. I am 31yrs old but looks 25 at times. Hahahaha! This dry spell has been going on for a while. Initially, I didn't care much since I felt like I was still finding my way around the dating world but after a year, I am freaking out!! hahaha! I know I am laughing but I am serious. I've had some guys tell me I intimidate them? How do I manage to do that without even talking to them?? I've heard that line so many times it's getting to be annoying! I just wanna date and find me a man but I guess that's gonna be one hell of a ride since wherever I go, if there are octogenarians there, they will find me and chat me up. I absolutely have no problem with that but what happen to the guys my age? Help.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:02am

All I can say is: Join the club.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 1:10pm
The guys our age (I'm 32) are all busy dating 24 year olds. I'm sure it's nothing at all you are doing wrong. It's a numbers game...the amount of quality available women who want relationships far outweighs the amount of quality available men out there IMHO. Just know that you are far from alone in your situation....it's like an epidemic these days.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:13pm

A year, don't feel bad, I haven't had a date in three. The only advice I can offer you is to stand in front of the mirror and pretend you are just walking through a mall window shopping or that you're sitting at the bar waiting on a friend (Ha, Rolling Stones song) . . . do you look approachable? Are you smiling? Do you exude confidence or insecurity? Honestly, I don't think insecurity will keep a guy away in the beginning. Once the ball gets to rolling, that's when I think it becomes an issue.

This sounds crazy, but I am not a smiler, never have been. My normal countenance actually looks a little sad or pissed off. Growing up, random people would always approach me and ask what's wrong and I never got it. It's something I have to actually *think* about doing (smiling). I always see people who are going about their mundane tasks with a smile on their face and I wonder how they do it. Is it their mindset? Did their parents stay on them to smile as they were maturing?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:15pm

I read a book once (Superflirt by Tracy Cox) that said to think about sex while you're out and that will keep a smile on your face. Unfortunately, when I'm out shopping or whatever, I'm thinking about what's on the list and thinking about sex would make me go home with only about half of it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:36pm
I am actually a giggly person and tend to smile a lot. I got to admit, I am not sure how I look like when I am walking around. I always have sun glasses if not, my eyes are pretty close to avoid the sun. I've done this even since I was back home in Africa. I tend to be a little shy but very friendly. Everybody, both men and women have told me that I look intimidating. Might I add that I am about 5'4" and probably 145lbs. Hahaha! I do wear hills a lot but I am sure the intimidation is not coming from my hight :). It's really frustrating when it seems like me being myself it not good enough any more. I have to also admit that being in a long term relationship, I've pretty much lost my dating skills and I think I am sensing a lack in the flirting department. I use to think I was such a big flirt but not anymore. I will definitely check myself out in the mirror.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:00am
I've been hit on by an octogenarian or two myself. ;) I think us younger gals make them feel spunky again or something. There used to be this old man who would hang out on karaoke night at the club/bar I frequent. He had to be about ninety years old. Lonely, too. He was always there all by himself. One night, as I was walking past him, I smiled at him, and he grabbed my hand and started dancing with me. It was an upbeat old rock song someone was doing their best not to butcher. Despite the fact that I felt a little silly dancing with someone who was old enough to be my grandfather's grandfather (God bless him, he could still move his hips), but I could tell that dancing with me just made his night. The grin on his face...oh my gosh, it was almost cute! Of course, I'd never accept a date with a gentleman that much older than me. LOL But sometimes, I just really think that elderly men really get a kick out of the young ladies. For some reason, it bothers me less than when a 50-something man tries to put the moves on me.
















Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 11:23am

The really old ones don't bother me as much either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 6:03pm
I hate to tell you this, but.....it doesn't get any better. I'm 41 and feel the same way you do. The older men will talk to us because they really don't care if it goes anyplace or not. The ones who talk to me are between 50 & 60, or late 20's early 30's. I have also been told the same thing that you have and I don't see myself that way at all. Hang in there and don't give up. The man for you is looking for YOU, NOT your looking for him. Good luck.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 6:34pm

In Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" she talks about being taught a meditation by a healer in Bali. He calls it the smiling meditation where you smile when you are sitting and doing you slow, deep breathing with your eyes closed.

I like that for I believe to be truly spiritual is to be happy and in joy.

How does your face look when you are having a good time? when you think of something that really touches your heart? when you are happy? Do that face.

Mark, who needs more practice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 6:41pm

I asked my male and female friends the same thing. Why when all of my friends say 'I'm all this and that', how come men don't approach me? They'll give the stock reply, 'You're hot. They're initmidated by you.' You know the stuff your friends tell you, because they don't have an answer. Actually one did tell me to talk less and just smile. Great - I'm too chatty!

All I could find out is we need to approach men more ourselves. Most men are shy to approach women so we need to make it really clear when we want them to talk to us. They are so probably over being rejected by women too, we need to help them along. We want things the old-fashioned way when men approached women to dance in the dancehalls of my grandma's days. We'll it's not that world anymore. So we need to be possibly a little more proactive.

Also getting men in enviroments where they feel comfortable is a good thing, and not the gym. A lot of men I have asked about meeting people in the gym get annoyed when women approach them there. Basically, they think we're after one thing. I did find when I was running in local races the men were super friendly after the race. They were in an environment where they felt comfortable and also had an automatic topic of conversation. I found men then to be super chatty, but I just started dating the awful-ex so I never really took it too far. One guy was a NASA engineer and cute to boot. So in retrospect of that I am joining a running club and going to race again. I want to be like-minded people and this seems the way to do it.

Beach

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