Problem being "just friends" with women?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Problem being "just friends" with women?
8
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 1:00am

So I'm a 32 year old single dad of two, my son is 13, my daughter is 9 and I haven't dated anyone since my divorce back in 2000.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005

Well first off let me say, sorry about your marriage and what happened with your wife. Been there, got the T-shirt, it's never a fun situation to go through. At that time did you ever go through any sort of counseling to deal with the types of emotions you were dealing with or did you just stuff them down, I know men especially tend to try to be so strong and not ask for help but divorce and especially such a really devastating thing as an affair is a really traumatic thing to go through and sometimes it's not so easy to stuff those emotions down. Sometimes getting those feelings up and out is the best way to get over them to be able to move on to a really healthy relationship.

I think you need to take one thing at a time, this would be my advice, while I totally understand that friendships are fantastic and you want them. You have to first be okay with you and I don't think you are. I think you are still very wounded and I think you need to make sure that those wounds have healed, you need to make sure that your self esteem has remained intact. I think you might have a little more work to do within first...honestly I know it seems like it's been so long, but maybe it's because of that reason that you've kept women at bay...you are afraid to be hurt again, but I am going to be honest with you, there are no guarantees in life, you could be hurt again by the sweetest most angelic girl in the world, but you have to take risks with your heart it's the only way to find love, but I really do feel as though you have to be right with yourself first, and I just don't get from your post that you are there yet. I think you still have a little work to do and it's not a slam at all and I hope you don't take it as such. Because I went to counseling after my divorce because my self esteem was in the toilet too, my husband was running around town with his mistress rubbing it in my face and I felt like dog doo on his shoe so I have totally been where you are or were....but counseling really helped change my attitude, change my outlook etc.

Good luck =)

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Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
bump so others can see it got lost over the weekend.

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Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005

Well, first off, stop considering genitalia when looking to build friendships.


Get involved in some things that matter to you - organizations are always crying for volunteers. I see by your profile that you're a writer - join a writers' club or a book review group. I'd strongly suggest you stay away from Parents Without Partners - IME it tends to be mostly women seeking new husbands...you'd be like chum in shark infested waters.


If you actually take the time to get to know the women around you as people, not as prospective dating material. you may be surprised what it brings to your life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007

I have always done this well. It isn't that hard, forget sex and ask yourself, could I take this 24 hours a day? (Would you want to hang with a hunting buddy 24/7?) LOL Just see the person in front of you, simple stuff.


If you enjoy the girls company, but she does not make the 24 hour test, just decide in your own head, no sex, no way, period. Get it off the table so your head is clear. You will see her differently then. The why bother is some of my best friends, I hold them in extremely high value.

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

Well, I have plenty of

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003

I think there are a lot of women who mistake friendliness for interest.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Just as you have had trouble forming

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

My issue is that I have met too many wonderful women who are not "The One."