PTSD from last relationship breakup :(
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|Sun, 11-03-2013 - 1:12am|
My on-and-off boyfriend of 9 years broke it off last year in August and it was incredibly hard on me. We were living together, I truly believed this was it and we would eventually get married. Without elaborating too much, the breakup came as a big shock to me and I literally had a nervous breakdown from it. He left for a week and left his loaded 9mm for me (for protection) and I had never felt so suicidal and desperate before in my life, the anxiety attacks I was having were crippling and all I could do that week was panic and cry and throw up and wonder what I was going to do... 30 years old, had lost my job a year prior so I was in college full time and collecting unemployment. I literally had constant anxiety for a week straight and couldn't function, and I couldn't tell anyone how bad it was because I was even afraid of myself. If anyone reading this has ever suffered from anxiety attacks, they are terrifying and horrible and I can't help but think the only solution is death, but I would never do anything to harm myself. I have to remind myself it will pass.... Well it's now been well over a year since the breakup. The anxiety came and went for a long time, and I thought it was gone completely until I started dating again. I started seeing a man on a regular basis and I started to develop feelings for him, which in turn started to give me massive anxiety attacks again :( While he was with me I had 2 anxiety attacks and not only was it humiliating to confess to him, it is extremely depressing for me to think that I may have to live the rest of my life with this crippling anxiety. That man has since decided that I am not ready for anything more than friendship. He was very understanding and comforting when I had the attacks but he's not looking for a woman with issues..no man is. Well that was about a month ago. Since then I started to see a new man and I spent the night with him last night... I woke up at his house and I was fine initially, but then anxiety kicked in... It seems the moment I start to like a man, I start having panic attacks. I am so terrified of having my world turned upside down again. I don't want to get hurt again. I long for the companionship of a man in my life and the affection and everything, but I am absolutely terrified of being hurt again and this fear is now ruling my everyday life. I don't want to live with this anxiety :( I am scared now that I will never be the same, and that I will never be able to love again. It's so depressing :( At least this new guy also suffers from anxiety attacks so he totally understands but it felt pretty lame telling him this morning that I was having anxiety and that it was because I like him. I can't believe this. I was in counseling for a few months to try to address this but since I got a full-time job (THANK GOD) my counselor had to end the sessions because she doesn't work after 5:00. That was a big blow, just when I thought I was getting somewhere.... I don't know what to do now. I like this guy, I really liked the last guy. I am very ready to have a man in my life, but my mind and heart are ruined. So sad....