pursuing the guy - good game?
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| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:45pm |
Hi everyone,
I need some advice on whether to give up on a guy or not. I think he's kind of a special case, so here's too many details:
I'm 31 and haven't been truly single (i.e. long enough to notice) since I was 24. It's now been 6 months, not counting a brief fling-type thing, so I'm feeling so clueless!
I met a guy a few months ago - I spotted him across the room and he immediately renewed my faith that I could really like someone again - it was magic for me. We talked briefly then I didn't see him again for a month or two, but I never forgot him. I wished him back in my life, somehow, then, long story short, we ended up being roommates on a weekend group trip! The week before the trip, I randomly saw him out at a party, and he was really drunk. Got a formal apology email from him a few days later "in case he did anything out of sorts" (he didn't at all). I took it as "if i hit on you, I was just really wasted" so I figured this guy didn't like me as anything more than a friend. Plus, he was with a few girls, and one seemed like his girlfriend, so I gave up hope b/c I'm no homewrecker. Turns out she is his ex, but they are good friends now, but I found out later she was drunk and saying rude things about him to one of my friends (doubt she knew it was my friend) - and, he could hear her, and put up with it! Weird.
But over the weekend trip, we got to know each other (he's 37), he's pretty shy and really really nice, and on the last night he finally hit on me telling me he had been attracted to me for a while and so impressed with my intelligence and athletic ability, etc., meanwhile being adamant that he would be a 'total gentleman' (since remember we were sharing a hotel room) and he was, so I don't think he was just trying to hook up. He actually asked me to cuddle - kind of weird, but cute I guess. I had to convince him it was okay to kiss me (I'm pretty conservative in this area and he said he picked up on that from getting to know me). We ended up sleeping cuddled up. Sidenote, the ex called each day, and after talking to her, he seemed pouty for about 30min.
So the next day we're all smiley at each other and he says we should go to dinner when we get back from the trip. Follows up a few days later, we setup the date. I show up, he's all pouty, seems tired, no hello smile even! I try to give him opportunities to leave, but he won't take them, and we stay for 4 hours talking and he pays for everything. Then he hugs me goodnight and says "thanks for coming out". So confusing!!
We have to see each other a few nights later at a group event, so we agreed we'd see each other then. I'm determined to figure out if he likes me or not - if he changed his mind and just wants to be friends, I just want to know. He calls me that night to tell me he's going to be late, then is totally happy and chatty the whole evening, buying me beers, we go out till way late with a couple other people, he takes me home, asks me to come back with him to his place - while outside MY house! We go to my place instead. After 10 min of talking he kind of pulls me near him, we end up hugging (bungled move maybe). I go on autopilot and ask "what's going on?" and he says he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, he's bad at this dating thing (his ex told my friend he hasn't dated much), so I probed further but can't remember exactly how I posed the question. Basically he ended up saying "I don't know". So I said "if you don't know, we should be just friends". We kind of went back and forth for a few minutes about it (wish I could remember details, I had a lot of beer), but I don't think he ever said "ya okay" - he kind of fought it, weakly, but I was adamant, and he finally just left abruptly.
Okay -the last thing I want to do is just be friends with this guy!!! Why did I do that?! I'm such an idiot for getting all serious 2 seconds before I have the chance to make out with this guy again. Ugh.
I didn't hear from him for a day or so, so I email him, just trying to be honest - gave him a short apology and a lame attempt at injecting some humor into the situation, and left it at that. He emailed back immediately with a longer apology "no, it's all my fault" - that he had too much to drink and behaved "completely innappropriately". I have no idea what he's talking about - I might be conservative, but he knows personally I'm not a nun! Really, the confusion was that he's not inappropriate enough!!! :) But that's all he said - sorry in lots of ways but that's it. So I emailed him back saying no, he wasn't inappropriate, and said if he'd like to go do something sometime soon, I'd be happy to join him. I thought I ought to be pretty obvious so he knows I'm not mad at him and would like to hang out again. He's pretty shy, after all, and apparently thought he messed up? But I'm not sure if my response was clear that I still wanted to be more than friends. Seems like it should have been, but who knows.
That was 6 days ago. He never wrote back, called, nothing.
So besides being hurt by not hearing from him, I'm actually surprised he would just not respond - this guy is so focused on being nice to people and caring about how he treats them. I thought at least I'd get 'no thanks' put in a kind,nice way.
My friends think he's got ex issues, at least emotional if not physical, and i should steer clear. I agree about the ex, but he told me that he broke up with her, they're just close friends, and I do believe him. He asked me out once, he's obviously trying to continue on. Should I try again? He is the only guy I've really liked this whole 6 months, and there's something about him that makes me feel in a very strong, fate-like way that we're meant to interact more. Plus, I kind of messed up.
opinions? thanks so much for reading this!!!

I'd say ex issues and you should steer clear.
Hey all,
well, to update on this situation it's been 2 weeks and we haven't spoken. Feel free to read my initial post for the whole story - 1 date, weird shy guy, I think I screwed up, he thinks he screwed up, I left it at 'if you'd like to hang out, give me a call' and he never did. Here's my dilemma: do I try again? if so, gently or bluntly?
pros:
-Not sure if it was clear that I wanted to still be more than friends, and he might not want to be just friends
-he apparently thinks he screwed up so maybe he's embarassed
-I REALLY like this guy and don't want to miss an opportunity b/c of silly pride
-we don't see each other regularly now or run into each other anywhere, so there's no chance of a 'chance meeting'
-I've got nothing else going on, nothing to lose
cons:
-if a guy really likes a girl he'll make an a$$ of himself to get near her and this guy isn't doing that
-I did say I'd hang out with him again so he knows he won't get rejected, at least for the hanging out part, but he's still not biting
-desperation is the worst-smelling cologne
So if I decide to screw my pride and dignity and try to get in touch with this guy again because I have little to lose, now that 2 weeks have passed (longer than our 'thing' lasted) and maybe we can put all the previous confusion behind us and try to start again, how would I start?
Would you do it gently, like invite him to a group thing(con: seems like just friends which might be an issue, pro:potential to save face a bit) or bluntly, telling him I'd like to got out again (con: face unambiguous rejection, pro: at least I'll know for sure)?
thanks for any advice you have!
Goodgirl...LEAVE HIM ALONE. If he doesn't call you, don't and I repeat don't call him. If he wants you, he knows where and how to find you! You should not make him a priority. I've been through this recently and you have to find other things to do to keep your mind off him. Be okay with letting him go and knowing that in the long run you'll feel better with the choice. Think about how you'll feel if he tells you "no". Him not calling you may be his way of telling you he's not ready. I wouldn't try being friends with someone that you really don't want to be "friends" with. I hope this helps and if he does call don't play games just be straight out honest with him.
-Khloe'