Question about saving it for marriage
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Question about saving it for marriage
| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 1:39pm |
On The Bachelor series, there is this woman who is 23 and told the Bachelor she is saving herself for marriage. She seems to believe this will enhance her value in his eyes. He told her he never would have asked her if she was a virgin or not, in the first place (it didn't matter to him).
Do men these days really care? Do they want that woman who is saving herself? DO women want a man who is saving himself?

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'I think you can get an idea of your sexual compatibility with someone without actually having sex'
I agree with this. the guy i lost my virginity to i dated for 7 months before we had intercourse...we obviously had chemistry. We did do oral sex after about 3 months though. However oral sex and intercourse are 2 very different thigns to me. I think intercourse is more intimate. I know not everyone shares that opinion with me, but that's how i feel
I dated another guy over the summer who i never had sex with and oh yes there was chemistry. We never even got as far as oral, but i would be very turned on while we were kissing, etc...he was too.
Anyways, this day in age, i think most men would be suprised to find a virgin over the age of 20. I dont know if this would be a plus for them, or wouldnt care. I have heard some guys say that they would not want to seriously date a virgin. They said they would rather have someone with experience. I'm sure there are plenty of men and women who would love to deflower someone and have that be it though. I would be suprised if I met a guy over 20 or 25 who was a virgin...I dont know how i'd feel about it. Depended on how i felt about him i suppose. Many girls do think this is a gift they are sharing (when they give it up) but as far as the Bachelor goes...i dont think he'd be picking someone based on the fact that they are a virgin. He might like this girl's other qualities...but as he said it wont aid in his decision.
You cannot correlate higher divorce rates with pre-marital sex, there is nothing backing up this claim, no study to date supporting this.
However studies will show that women are much less likely to marry for financial reasons. They are able to support themselves and therefore are much more choosy about the people they are involved with. A study in the 1950's concluded that only 25% of married women were in love with their husbands, while 75% of men were in love with their wives. Women were staying married because they had no other choice, which is sad.
Sex provides a different level of intimacy, not one that you can classify as 'better'. Cuddling close and falling asleep is one level, being able to talk about anything is another, and sex is obviously another. Each level of intimacy is soooooo different but still can be classified as intimacy.
You also made a good point that your sexual desires at 20 and 40 years of age will differ, and that's correct. As a couple you'll have to work through those changes, however most like to keep those differences minimal in the beginning.
"Just look at the fact that people who live together before marriage are MORE likely to divorce than people who don't live together before marriage. I think marital stability is about commitment, compromise, communication and a bit of luck ! Iri"
You are right about this fact. Although statistically when you look at the research and data, it has not shown to be the most valid. This is because those who live together before marriage tend to focus less on what thier religion dictates. Most of those who do not live together before marriage, typically are religous and tend to stay together because they do not believe in divorce. So we can look at the data and see what we want to see, but when you look at the actual facts, you can see why the data is skewed.
Iri, I totally agree with you, well said.
"Humans have been marrying for centuries without finding out whether they are sexually compatible first. Somehow the human race has survived. Besides - since people have become sexually active BEFORE marriage the divorce rate has gone up. I think what is going on is people are mistaking sex for love. Also- sex is very affected by life situations - what meds you are on, your hormones, how much stress you are under. Just because you are sexually compatible with someone when you are 25, that doesn't mean you will still be compatible at 45. A marriage is about commitment and working through problems - not about always getting what YOU want, or what HE wants. Just my take on the sexual compatibility issue. Iri"
I think the women's movement has really changed marriage in our society. Women used to not go to college, they'd marry right out of high school and live happily or unhappily ever after. I agree with the other poster who also said that women are able to support themselves so as sad it sounds there's less need for them to get married. They probably are more picky these days...but men seem to be just as picky in choosing a life partner. People seem to put more emphasis and get all stressed out about having a great, happy marriage these days. The sex has to be all the time, the husband has to be there emotionally all the time and bring home the bacon, the wife has to be doting and have a career. I didnt live in the 50's, but do you really think books like, he's not that into you or, message boards like these existed? no. It just seemed like people married their high school sweetheart and that was that. No questions of, is she/he the one or is this person the best choice, i can go online and find so many others. Dating and marriage seems so much more complicated than it once was. Sometimes i dont know which way was better. It's great that women have opportunities to be whoever they want these days...but what about women who just want to be housewives? Many men look down on that today. They want an ambitious woman and they also want her to be supermom too. It's hard...lots of competition out there. on top of that they all seem to want someoen who is really fit and a size 2 or 4 who always is glammed up...i notice women put much more emphasis on looks these days than they used to...there's so many beauty procedures to have done, such a need to stay thin and get a masters degree, own your own place...at least that's how my city is. Sometimes i get tired of this rat race, but i feel like i have to keep up.
Ahh..that was quite a rant...what did it have to do about saving it for marriage again? Oh yeah i dont think saving it for marriage matters these days...sorry.
>>I think a point that Iri is trying to make is that, let's say acouple has sexual relationship before they get married. This couple is trying to see if the are compatible. They decide after several sessions that they are. Everything else fits to like morals, beliefs, similat intersts, etc. So they decide to get married. After 10 years of marriage, things are not the same, one of the spouses drive changes. Is the marriage suppossed to end, because the sex is not the same? We obviously change overtime, and I believe she is saying that sex shouldn't define a marriage, and that overtime we will change.<<
What if their interests change in that time? Their beliefs? Their morals?
Marriages end for more than just the sex, most of the time.
Also, whether or not you have sex prior to getting married, your sex life is likely to change in 20 years. In fact, many older couples claim to have BETTER sex lives with their spouses later in the marriage due to fewer inhibitions, etc. Studies have also shown that married people are more content with their sex lives than singles and have more sex than singles - regardless of if they slept together before or after marriage.
I don't think anybody was saying that you should use sex as the ONLY criterion for marriage but, for many of us (no, not all Iri), it is ONE important factor. (for me, other factors include love, respect, conversation, enjoying his company, optimistic attitude, similar beliefs about raising children...and the list goes on)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
"It's great that women have opportunities to be whoever they want these days...but what about women who just want to be housewives? Many men look down on that today. They want an ambitious woman and they also want her to be supermom too. It's hard...lots of competition out there. on top of that they all seem to want someoen who is really fit and a size 2 or 4 who always is glammed up...i notice women put much more emphasis on looks these days than they used to...there's so many beauty procedures to have done, such a need to stay thin and get a masters degree, own your own place...at least that's how my city is. Sometimes i get tired of this rat race, but i feel like i have to keep up."
I agree with you here. Coming from a guy though, I don't really care if I have an ambitous career woman. I just want someone who's happy where she is in life. if she wants to be a teacher, artist, lawyer, doctor, construction worker,or a stay at home mom, that's fine with me. We all are differetn and have different talents to add. I do agree there is alot of pressure out there for women to look a certain way, and my heart goes out to you, because hat's not right. Love is being replaced by lust. We seem to be more concerned about loving someone based on conditions, and that's sad. It seems we are becoming a shame based society, and our worth is based on what others think and what society says. The result of this shame is perfectionism, anger, judgement, feelings of inaduecy, low-self esteem, etc. It seems that we are judged based on our individual achievements, career, grades, body, type, etc. Sometimes the heart gets overlooked. I'm sorry that it has come to that, and it's stinks that love has become competitive.
I agree with you tallgirl. Sex is an important part of marriage, I won't argue with you there. But just because you have sex before marriage doesn't mean your going to find out if your successfully sexually compatible. Marriage is meant to be till the end of this life. We take an oath to love for better or worse, till death do us part. So I can see where studies show that sex gets better as we age. People probably do feel more comfortable with each others bodies and the shame is probably not as strong. I also agree wih you that sex is not the only criterion for a successful marriage, it's just one part of the puzzle. I don' think that Iri is saying that sex is not important, I think her argument is geared more towards sex before marriage and the lack of committment that is involved in some of those relationships.
"Studies have also shown that married people are more content with their sex lives than singles and have more sex than singles"
I believe this. Good point.
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