On raising the bar

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
On raising the bar
6
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 7:55am

I finished reading "It's Not You", really good, I recommend it to all single women. It referenced another book that I'm reading now called "How to Look for Love" by Mari Ruti, but despite it's title, it's not a self-help, step-by-step cookbook for finding a man. 

In the chapter ""Why Playing Hard to Get Won't Work," she says this:
Whever a guy fails to clear our bar, we have two choices. We can lower our bar. Or we can take it elsewhere. I recommend picking up that bar and carrying it to the next hot guy who crosses your path. Not only will this give you a chance to get what you want, but it will spare you the mortification of begging for something that you can't have. It will release you from the prolonged agony of always getting less than you ask for.

and later:
It doesn't mean that you should do all the work and pursue someone who seems vague, reluctant, distant, or indifferent. I couldn't care less about who makes the first move. But if a guy isn't meeting you halfway, it's time to reassess the situation...What's the point of running after someone who doesn't return your passion?...The guys who don't want you aren't worth your attention. And the ones who do will do their best to clear your bar. You won't need to stoop to game-playing to ensure this.

So yes, I can sure relate to running after someone who is "vague, relcutant, distant, or indifferent." Yep, gonna hoist that bar up and carry it somewhere else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 10:54am
I finished the book as well. The Ruti book sounds interesting. I will read that too. I agree with the above. I realized a long time ago that the type of men described were a waste of my time. Of course, I have not had to put that to practice in a very long time, because I just don't meet men who are remotely candidates. When we finally do meet someone we are attracted to, the temptation is always there to put up with poor treatment, simply because it is so hard to meet men at our point in life. But I have learned that it is far less demoralizing to be alone. There is nothing worse than looking across the table and seeing that bland, bored look in your date's eyes. Been there, done that. If it ain't there on his part, you can't force it, any more than you can your own interest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 10:54am
I finished the book as well. The Ruti book sounds interesting. I will read that too. I agree with the above. I realized a long time ago that the type of men described were a waste of my time. Of course, I have not had to put that to practice in a very long time, because I just don't meet men who are remotely candidates. When we finally do meet someone we are attracted to, the temptation is always there to put up with poor treatment, simply because it is so hard to meet men at our point in life. But I have learned that it is far less demoralizing to be alone. There is nothing worse than looking across the table and seeing that bland, bored look in your date's eyes. Been there, done that. If it ain't there on his part, you can't force it, any more than you can your own interest.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 11:37am
I just dumped a guy like that. He never quite got why I wasn't willing to put up with half-interest. In fact, he still tries to contact me but I ignore him. He's not a bad guy. In fact, he'd be a decent friend to hang out with once in awhile. But that's not what I'm looking for so he's out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 12:17pm

When I think about the long term relationships that I have had, there was never any need for game playing or wondering--there was just obvious interest on both sides.  Of course it's not like we knew on the first date that it would be long term, but we were both expressing interest in continuing the dates and getting to know each other.  I agree that it's mortifying to chase someone who is not interested.  And I don't know why playing hard to get would even work if the person wasn't interested anyway--seems like that would have the opposite effect.

I am thinking of my friend G who I will probably see tonight at a dance.  I thought when I first met him that I might want to date him and was kind of disappointed when I figured out that his interest in me was only as a friend and he was looking for much younger women than I am.  But I also realized that we don't really want the same things.  He's looking for younger women because he's never been married or had kids so he probably needs to find a woman under 40 to have kids with--of course this plan is not working out at all for him, so I kind of sit back and look at this with amusement.  But once I got over the disappointment (quickly) then psychologically I could adjust better by just realizing that a relationship with him was never going to happen so there was no reason for me to try to chase him and try to get him to like me--better to keep him as a friend and just look for someone else to date.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 10:52pm

 One must be one with themselves

be thou assertive

  be your own hero

  speak from the heart

fear not other's reacton

be bold in face of your fears

for you only get one life

Goldfish

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 02-02-2014 - 11:02am

Because the pickings seem to be so slim as I have aged, and it's so rare that I meet a man who interests me, I know I feel a pull to give it a chance long past the time I should. This also includes men I'm not feeling "all that" about, but feel he seems so good on paper, surely if I give it enough time, passion will develop. It's the old tapes in my head saying, "Give the guy a chance." But sadly, I have learned that if it doesn't start to ignite within two to three dates, it probably won't.