Randomness

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Randomness
7
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 3:56pm

I was listening to morning radio chatter while on the road today, and this particular show was urging people to call in with "good advice gone bad" stories.  I remembered it when reading about Free's conundrum about whether or not to be the persuer or the persued (esp in the very early stages of dating - so confusing).  Anyway, a girl called in and said that someone had given her the advice to offer to pay for one of her dates.  She said that she really liked this one guy and decided to take the advice.  It ended up working out in the end, as they are now official, but she found out later, that he took the gesture as a sign that she just wanted to be friends.  I know this is a topic that could be debated ad nauseum, but that thought never would have entered my mind and so obviously, I found it interesting.  Thought perhaps you would too . . . it definitely made me think.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: cfk_3
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 4:36pm

CFK

What I am thinking is that maybe dating is way different now than it was back years ago.. Rules have changed and people have changed. Now most of the books and gurus say one thing but then we might do something different and its all so nutty... I still have no idea what the right thing to do is..

Well sunday when I was on my date I just played it all by ear and when we went to get some food we saw Friendlys right in front of where we were by the park so I just said oh; there is Friendlys and I know that place is so inexpensive so it wouldnt break any guys pocket book.. But when I said that he said oh; I dont like fast food or Friendlys so I said I dont either (yeah) and that was a good thing.. So instead we found a small restauran not expensive with some good food so we compromised.. When we were done with the meal he took the check and paid but said oh; can you leave the tip so I said sure.. So I think it worked out well  but I am assuming it depends on the situation and the people..

Communication I guess is always the key ..but who knows its still add nauseum (lol)

I am not a person who needs to or wants to be wined and dined or have alot of money spent on me but that is me.. I was enjoying my day in a park with a nice guy but I love that so it didnt bother me much...A picnic lunch is even fine with me..

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: cfk_3
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 6:58pm
On my first date with my last boyfriend (ages ago), I offered to pay my half on the first date. He was pretty blunt and told me he knew that it was a test or something along those lines and refused to let me pay. On our second date, I offered to pick up the tab and he told me that he knew what that meant- that I wasn't planning on seeing him again. He had some pretty set ideas on the subject. He didn't let me pay often, even when he was unemployed. He was just too proud, I guess. He was also a jerk, so maybe that was part of it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 8:52pm

Shy, that guy sounds like a jerk--I think people should be a lot more polite about it no matter how things work out.

I always feel funny about not offering to pay but I have this really beautiful friend who told me that on the first date, I shoud not even offer.  So when I went out on Sat. I didn't really know what to do cause first of all, I wasn't totally sure whether it was a date or friends.  So when we were talking beforehand, the guy says to me that he was reconsidering going to the first dance that we talked about cause it cost $40--now I really wouldn't want him spending $80 anyway but it got me thinking oh, he must expect me to pay then.  So first we met at Au Bon Pain and we were just having coffee & pastry (actually only he ordered the pastry) so I just let him pay--I figured that would be bad if he couldn't fork over $2.50 for the coffee.  Then he cut the pastry in half and insisted that I have half of it.  (Was it Free who mentioned the OLD where the guy wouldn't even buy her her own lunch and didn't offer to buy but just gave her half of his stuff?)  So then when we got to the bar where the band was playing, it was a $10 cover charge.  I was entering first, so I just pulled out my wallet and he didn't say anything or offer to pay, but when we got drinks, he did buy the drinks so it was shared.  But it's very confusing to know what to do.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: cfk_3
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 9:21am

I've read a lot about this topic (is anyone surprised?) and it seems that I read more often that the man should pay on the first few dates. I've also read that some men will interpret a woman paying on the first few dates as a signal that she's not interested.

In my own experience, the guy generally pays. Sometimes (especially if I'm not interested) I offer to make a contribution and they've generally refused. I think it depends on the date. On one first date, the guy paid for dinner, but then I paid for frozen yogurt when we walked around afterwards (I know this is far from equal). On a date with a different guy, he paid for the tour and lunch, and I paid for dessert and coffee at another restaurant. On a date with another guy, I offered to pay, and he took a while to study the bill and told me the amount I should pay. I was really turned off by the way he handled it. Yes, I offered, but he was so precise about it. Perhaps that seems unfair of me, but what can I say? Things didn't work out anyway later on.

My philosophy is that the guy should do the asking and pay for the first handful of dates. If things develop, then I think you should take turns paying (not splitting the bill each time), or find other ways to "pay" like buying theater tickets. I think it also depends on how much money you both make. If he's pulling down a six-figure income and you're making $35K a year, I'm thinking he shouldn't be quibbling about paying for dinner.

Frankly, I want to be courted, and that includes having the guy pursue me and pay for our dates. I'm sorry if that sounds old-fashioned, but let me tell you: I used to be more of a pay-half kind of woman, a woman who would call guys up, a woman who would pursue. I don't do that anymore because for me, it doesn't work. Without fail, for me, if a guy is interested, he will call and ask me out. If I turn the tables on him, and he's not interested, it just makes things confusing.  

And at my age, if a man is not financially solvent enough to spring for dinner (and my fabulous company of course) it doesn't bode well for our future.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 10:05am

I do think it goes back to the old "he's just not into you" thing--if a guy wants to date you, he will call you & figure out a way to get your interest.  If the woman has to pursue him a lot, he is probably not that interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 10:37am

OMG.. There are way too many things in this dating world to try and deciper..but yes if a guy likes you and he has no money for courting and the two of you want to make a go of it then alot of compromsing has to be done..

At this stage of my life being almost 59 and in this world where men are paying child support, alimony and lost things due to divorce and maybe either just work and are not rich I would highly doubt that I am going to be wined and dined and taken on vacations but that isme..

I dont know many rich men and the cirlce of friends I know and have are just average so most of them are not paying for expensive dates.

Now yes if I met a guy who was making a ton of money and I had limited and he could pay of course I would let him but I havent run into any rich men as of late.. Then you get the rich guy who is cheap or the poor guy who is generous and yes it boils down to if the two people like each other they will find a way to make it work..

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 8:13pm

@ FG, I agree & your wit is ever amusing.   @ Shy, that guy, was he insecure?  Sounds a little like it.  @ Free & @ Music, it can get confusing.  I am not at the same place financially as most of my friends or potential dates.  When I don't have $, I stay home so, if a guy asks me out and then expects me to go dutch, depending on the venue . . . Well, for example, I used to go out with an attorney.  I thought we were dating but when I look back, I think he was just hanging out.  Ha!  Anyway, one night I offered to pay, he let me, I saw our tab and almost fainted.  I brown bagged it @ work until my next check came ;)  I do think most of it comes out in the wash, as Music suggested by switching it up, and, if all of the other elements are there, things will usually fall into place.  If two ppl stop dating over who pays for what & when, there is something else going on . . . Or not going on, in my opinion.