Ready to be single, still in 10 year relationship, but seeing someone else I'm crazy about

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Ready to be single, still in 10 year relationship, but seeing someone else I'm crazy about
14
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 1:31am

Well I’m not quite single yet, but plan to be very soon. I’ve been unhappy in my 10 year relationship for about 3 years. I’m 36. He is 51. Last month I lived for the moment and hooked up with a guy I’ve known for many years. I am having an incredible time with him in and out of bed. We’ve been to dinner twice together and don’t get to see each other much because of my current situation.

The guy I’m with has no income, not even unemployment. I have wanted to end the relationship for years, but I cannot bear to make him homeless. He has no family (parents deceased, only child) so I have been weathering the storm. I still don’t know how to end it with him. But I have to because I simply love being with my new guy. He gives me everything I’ve been missing.  The thing is I don’t know how to handle it. The new guy said he’d wait. He wants to spend time with me. He wants  a relationship with me and understands it may take time for me to make a move where my SO is concerned.

How should I handle this? Should I be open and tell him I want the same as him? Or should I hold back my emotions and words until the other relationship has been terminated? And, how do I end this ? He has no place to go or income for an apartment.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

You have to end it with your long-term guy, there's no question about that.  I understand feeling responsible for his well-being, but if he's 51, he should be able to pick himself up and solve his problems on his own.  Maybe you ending things will force him to better his situation.  Do you wonder if he's just being dependent on you because you let him?  I would not allow anything to develop or happen with the new guy until you break it off. 

If I were you, I'd tell the current guy he has two weeks to find a new place to stay.  Tell him things aren't working for you anymore, and it's not fair to either of you to continue in that relationship.  I wouldn't kick him out cold-turkey, because that seems cruel, but definitely switch bedrooms once you tell him he needs to move out.  Bring home some boxes for him to pack his stuff so he knows you are serious.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Ah yes, I have a family member driving us all crazy with the same kind of situation of supporting someone's slacker rear in a relationship for a long time. Regardless of any new person in your life, this slacker needs to go. And the fact is that most likely no matter how much tough talk you might give on a board or to friends and also how much you know this guy has benefited from an extended gravy train for far too long so ending up possibly homeless is his own doing, the guilt or whatever line of bull he knows to give to keep the support going, will still override all common sense.
 
So I suggest approaching this like a business person would, it was a bad investment and time to cut losses as soon as possible - let him know that you want more out of life and someone who can support themselves so he needs to move or however that conversation goes. He's a sponge, so I doubt that will prompt him to suddenly become a man. If you're renting, it may help to find your own place and give your 30 days (in case he squats, be clear with the landlord). Also offer to cover the first one or two months of a room he finds.
 
Why give him more money? Because in the long run it's cheaper - you've been wanting out for three years and nothing has happened. Three years! So it's a way to outflank your misguided guilt and inaction by leaving him with an option to have a way to take care of himself since he can find some form of employment in that time. If you don't, this could go on for a lot longer and end up costing you more money and much worse, waste more time of your valuable life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Teraez17, has this man, the 51 y old,  in the course of your years together been in any way horrible to you? Physically or  mentally abusive, violent, controlling? Did he cheat on you, steal from you, betrayed you in any other way? Did he hurt you, badly and repeatedly, in any shape or form?

If the anwer is no..I believe you should treat him as a decent  human being that he is and not a piece of rubbish  - just because he has no job and no money. Big deal - such is life. It's is NOT all about jobs and money. Jobs get lost, and money runs out.  Some people aren't meant to be busting their guts 7 days a week 365 days a year just so that they can say they are 'employed'. Presumably when he first lost his job you made a deal, a pact, call it what you want ? That you were happy for him not to work, to support both of you, in return for him keeping house, garden, driving, moral support, cuddles, smiles, massages, love, affection, attention  -  etc etc?? Presumably he kept his side of the bargain? I remember reading something along those lines in your previous posts.

Someone suggested oh so wisely to 'give him 2 weeks notice, tell him to move to a different bedroom and bring home boxes for his stuff''.  Ehm, no. That's what you would do after a  3 months' fling, not a 10 y old r-ship with an older person who's completely dependent on you and has no family. 

He is nowhere near perfect, of course, that much is obvious.  Neither am I saying  that you should spend the rest of your life crying and agonising about how he would go on without  you. But...you had a deal and you want out of it. I don't see how he deserves the kind of treatment suggested by others. Kind of 'get lost, I'm changing suppliers'. 

I can't tell you what to do. You don't know if your new r-ship works out long term on not either, but you feel you need to give it a go, so do. I'm only going to say that I wouldn't be unnecessarily cruel to the  old bf, and that I would NOT by any means plan any happy ever afters with the new one. Wish you the best of luck. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In my opinion, I think you should treat this situation kind of like a landlord with a heart. Give him a month or two to find work and other living arrangements.

As far as the other person, I would be honest with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Why is your guy unemployed?  Did he get laid off?  Has he been looking for work or does he just sit around the house all day & do nothing?  I think knowing those things would make a difference in how I would approach this.  the economy is bad and there are people who are really trying to get a job who can't find one--I think I'd have more sympathy for that person than someone who was content to be unemployed.  Since you aren't married, I don't think you owe it to him to stay w/ him for the rest of his life.  It's sad that he has no family around but does he also have no friends?  I don't agree w/ Julia that you need to support him for the rest of his life.  are you unhappy only because he is unemployed or are there other reasons as well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since I read on your post on another board that he drinks every day & uses drugs, then I would have much less sympathy for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

'Since you aren't married, I don't think you owe it to him to stay w/ him for the rest of his life.'

So in your opinion, if they WERE married, she WOULD, owe it to him to stay? Meaning 10 years mean nothing without a piece of paper with a stamp on it? IMHO the reason why she owes him nothing is because she wisely didn't have children with him. That's why she is free to go.

'I don't agree w/ Julia that you need to support him for the rest of his life.'

I absolutely did not say anywhere in my post that the OP needs to support him for the rest of his life.  I said that she needed not be cruel to him (2 weeks' notice and boxes for his stuff)  if he treated her well for 10 years, job or no job. And I said that noone knows what will or will not happen with the new man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Someone can drink every day and even, GASP, do 'drugs' - you don't know what she means by that, it could be  a bit of grass every now and then - and still be a human being who deserves to be loved and respected. I drink every day and I used to do 'drugs' - a puff of a joint every few weeks - when I was young. How many posts on this site do we read that start with: 'He doesn't drink or do drugs and he has a great job'. And go on with: 'but he is a controlling psycho- freak and beat me black and blue  twice in the last 3 months'.

Can I just repeat:  a person is NOT a monster just because he doesn't have a job, or money,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

What I am saying is that there is a difference between a person who came to some unfortunate circumstances because they were laid off and they are trying to find a job but just can't and maybe a person who doesn't care to look for a job maybe because he is drinking and using drugs--I do happen to think the 2 are related.  I don't think that people should never drink.  I think they shouldn't drink to excess or when it interferes with their obligations.  I am just against drugs.  Yes I do think it makes a difference if people are married--that's why people are entitled to alimony if they are married.  When you get married you promise it's for richer or poorer--I don't think someone should divorce their spouse ONLY because they lost their job--I do think it could be grounds for divorce if the person who lost their job then decides that they prefer being lazy and not looking for another job, not contributing to the household in other ways, or sitting around drinking & using drugs while the other person is out working.

and by the way, before I married 2nd DH but while we were living together, he hurt himself on the job & was out of work for almost 2 yrs.  He was collecting worker's comp at first but only about $500 a week--I think it should have been more, but then the worker's comp judge decided that he had an earning capacity so it was reducted to about $100 a week--obviously not even enough to buy food for 5 people.  He was looking for a new job but it took him a while to find one & our financial circumstances were very bad.  I never thought of kicking him out because he wasn't working because it was just an unfortunate circumstance.  I know he really preferred to work--he wasn't lazy.  He also did all the grocery shopping, cooking & laundry & drove our kids around.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Julia- Giving him a couple of weeks to find a new place isn't cruel, as you keep saying. I can't help but take that as a dig toward me, given you do that often. It gets old. Throwing him out with no warning would be cold. She doesn't want to be with him anymore. No one has the right to tell her otherwise.

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