Ready to be single, still in 10 year relationship, but seeing someone else I'm crazy about

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Ready to be single, still in 10 year relationship, but seeing someone else I'm crazy about
14
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 1:31am

Well I’m not quite single yet, but plan to be very soon. I’ve been unhappy in my 10 year relationship for about 3 years. I’m 36. He is 51. Last month I lived for the moment and hooked up with a guy I’ve known for many years. I am having an incredible time with him in and out of bed. We’ve been to dinner twice together and don’t get to see each other much because of my current situation.

The guy I’m with has no income, not even unemployment. I have wanted to end the relationship for years, but I cannot bear to make him homeless. He has no family (parents deceased, only child) so I have been weathering the storm. I still don’t know how to end it with him. But I have to because I simply love being with my new guy. He gives me everything I’ve been missing.  The thing is I don’t know how to handle it. The new guy said he’d wait. He wants to spend time with me. He wants  a relationship with me and understands it may take time for me to make a move where my SO is concerned.

How should I handle this? Should I be open and tell him I want the same as him? Or should I hold back my emotions and words until the other relationship has been terminated? And, how do I end this ? He has no place to go or income for an apartment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

In the US, you get a percentage of your income (can't remember but I think it's 50%, which is also taxable) and I think the maximum is 2 yrs--then yes, you are totally on your own.  The gov't will not pay for your rent, you could be living on the street or lucky to find a room in a homeless shelter.  If you have kids you are entitled to welfare beneftis, but now they have put caps on that which I think is also 2 yrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Teraez, any updates? What's happening? Did you tell the old bf that you're leaving?

How's it going with the 38 y old?

Just curious..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

Julia never said the OP shouldnt leave this guy. But she did, very rightly, say that *giving him an out in 2 weeks ultimatum and bringing boxes for him to pack* is NOT a way to handle parting ways in a 10 years long relationship. With all respect Shywon, from what ive gathered here, you have not yet been in a very long term, living together-relationship, so you just cannot know. It is WAY more difficult than that, and such separation should be treated with delicacy, consideration and understanding.. its a long and painfull process..

And no, the obligation to stay or not to stay with your LT partner has nothing to do with a stamp on a piece of paper, but all to do with your inner self.. it comes from within you, married or not.. and has all to do with the actuall nature, essence of your relationship, your *togetherness* for all the years..

Last but not least: sorry people, but its difficult for me here in Germany to immagine, how one can be left completely without income in case of unemployment. As per law here,  you get 63% of your last income for the first year of unemployment, and then your rent gets paid (up to a certain amount of course) plus you get a certain amount of spending money per month, unlimited,  till you find a job..

 

P. S. If I were in the situation of this guy, no job, no money and, as it seems, no gf soon too,  i would be drinking too, ha..ha...

RL

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Julia- Giving him a couple of weeks to find a new place isn't cruel, as you keep saying. I can't help but take that as a dig toward me, given you do that often. It gets old. Throwing him out with no warning would be cold. She doesn't want to be with him anymore. No one has the right to tell her otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

What I am saying is that there is a difference between a person who came to some unfortunate circumstances because they were laid off and they are trying to find a job but just can't and maybe a person who doesn't care to look for a job maybe because he is drinking and using drugs--I do happen to think the 2 are related.  I don't think that people should never drink.  I think they shouldn't drink to excess or when it interferes with their obligations.  I am just against drugs.  Yes I do think it makes a difference if people are married--that's why people are entitled to alimony if they are married.  When you get married you promise it's for richer or poorer--I don't think someone should divorce their spouse ONLY because they lost their job--I do think it could be grounds for divorce if the person who lost their job then decides that they prefer being lazy and not looking for another job, not contributing to the household in other ways, or sitting around drinking & using drugs while the other person is out working.

and by the way, before I married 2nd DH but while we were living together, he hurt himself on the job & was out of work for almost 2 yrs.  He was collecting worker's comp at first but only about $500 a week--I think it should have been more, but then the worker's comp judge decided that he had an earning capacity so it was reducted to about $100 a week--obviously not even enough to buy food for 5 people.  He was looking for a new job but it took him a while to find one & our financial circumstances were very bad.  I never thought of kicking him out because he wasn't working because it was just an unfortunate circumstance.  I know he really preferred to work--he wasn't lazy.  He also did all the grocery shopping, cooking & laundry & drove our kids around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Someone can drink every day and even, GASP, do 'drugs' - you don't know what she means by that, it could be  a bit of grass every now and then - and still be a human being who deserves to be loved and respected. I drink every day and I used to do 'drugs' - a puff of a joint every few weeks - when I was young. How many posts on this site do we read that start with: 'He doesn't drink or do drugs and he has a great job'. And go on with: 'but he is a controlling psycho- freak and beat me black and blue  twice in the last 3 months'.

Can I just repeat:  a person is NOT a monster just because he doesn't have a job, or money,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

'Since you aren't married, I don't think you owe it to him to stay w/ him for the rest of his life.'

So in your opinion, if they WERE married, she WOULD, owe it to him to stay? Meaning 10 years mean nothing without a piece of paper with a stamp on it? IMHO the reason why she owes him nothing is because she wisely didn't have children with him. That's why she is free to go.

'I don't agree w/ Julia that you need to support him for the rest of his life.'

I absolutely did not say anywhere in my post that the OP needs to support him for the rest of his life.  I said that she needed not be cruel to him (2 weeks' notice and boxes for his stuff)  if he treated her well for 10 years, job or no job. And I said that noone knows what will or will not happen with the new man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since I read on your post on another board that he drinks every day & uses drugs, then I would have much less sympathy for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Why is your guy unemployed?  Did he get laid off?  Has he been looking for work or does he just sit around the house all day & do nothing?  I think knowing those things would make a difference in how I would approach this.  the economy is bad and there are people who are really trying to get a job who can't find one--I think I'd have more sympathy for that person than someone who was content to be unemployed.  Since you aren't married, I don't think you owe it to him to stay w/ him for the rest of his life.  It's sad that he has no family around but does he also have no friends?  I don't agree w/ Julia that you need to support him for the rest of his life.  are you unhappy only because he is unemployed or are there other reasons as well?

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