Really Last Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Really Last Question
4
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:19pm

A few days ago I talked about how when I meet some one I am interested in, I would tell myself, "Perhaps I should not bother her," and discourages myself from approaching.

Yesterday I stumbled upon one of Stanley Milgrim's essay in which he discussed how, to protect himself or herself from over-stimulation, a city-dweller carries an unfriendly, impersonal appearance, and disregards what does not deserve his or her attention. Moreover, he mentioned that these norms of non-involvement are so powerful that people are unwilling to break them. As as New Yorker, every day I experience and practice these norms of non-involvement.

The essay made me think that, although I do have rejection-anxieties, perhaps I am less uncomfortable with approaching the woman than with doing it in front of other people. For example, once when we were alone, I told a girl that I had a crush on her with full knowledge that she would turn me down, but at other times, when we were in front of others, it felt so nerve-wrecking to even make small talks.

If it is the case that I am afraid of approaching a woman in front of others, why am I telling myself that she does not want to be bothered? Do you see how I can put those ideas together?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:55am
Don't listen to your inner voice, ignore it. If you see a girl who you may be interested in, go up, make a quick introduction, explain that you have to run, and leave your number with her or get hers telling her that you would like to get together at a future date in order to get to know one another better. If she is open to such then the next time you two are together, it will be more intimate and you can choose a place where you will not feel so exposed to the atmosphere. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 1:34pm

Non-involvement is so common these days. Has it always been like this? Maybe to a certain extent, but with cell phones, ipods, and other similar technology, I see this personal isolation everywhere - it's not contained by urban areas.

Myself, for example, when I go to the gym, I put on my headphones. I may or may not be listening to anything. Usually I am, but at other times I just don't want to be bothered.
I have also heard of women being on a cell phone when out, say, in a coffee shop; sometimes she is talking to someone and sometimes she is just pretending so she is not approached.

I don't live in a high-density urban area, but eye contact, and contact in general, between people even here is rare.

How do you silence that inner voice? I dunno. I guess each circumstance would have to be different and read differently. But if you see a woman wearing headphones, wearing sunglasses or has her nose stuck in a book - my inner voice would probably tell me she doesn't want to be approached either. Maybe our voices would be incorrect, but that's what my gut tells me, because that's how *I* act when I don't want to be bothered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:43pm
I have decide to not think about this. I am getting sick and tired of thinking and analyzing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:04pm
Well then, don't think - just do!